Massholes Unite! Handbook for drivers from MASS DMV....

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Mass driver
avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with NH plates. With no insurance, the other operator has nothing to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that
your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal
violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to
strengthen your leg muscles.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good
way to prevent other drivers from exiting or entering the freeway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and
are not enforceable in MA during rush hour, especially on 93.

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that an Mass driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. Mass is the home of
high-speed slalom-driving; thanks to the Department of Public Works,
which puts deep pot-holes (like inverted ski moguls) in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.

12. It is tradition to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do
not move three milliseconds before the light turns green.

13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is
important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away. Wearing
your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

14. Remember that the goal of every Mass driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

15. 'Flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture
should always be returned.

16. The mandatory and required cell-phone is held up to your ear with
the left hand to ensure that you do not inadvertently activate the turn
signals and startle other drivers.

17. Razors, coffee or donuts are to be carried in the right hand, except when driving in the North End of Boston. The proper posture, for blending in there, is to talk with both hands while facing a real or
imaginary rear seat passenger.

18. If you see a whole bunch of yellow or white stripes painted on the
road, parallel to the road, they indicate that that location is a spot
favored by suiciders. It is important to speed up as you approach them to help prevent more suicides from occurring there.

19) If there is a traffic jam due to an accident, immediately work your
way over to the rescue lane and proceed to the scene of the accident at top speed.

20) If a driver is observed throwing nervous glances into his or her mirror or behind them, they must be flanked tightly and escorted to the far left lane so that they won't have their nervous breakdown on an exit and cause a traffic jam.

Thank you.

Registrar
Massachusetts Motor Vehicle Department