What do you think of this story so far?

Reply Fri 1 Nov, 2013 09:10 am
Emery slammed her back against the wall and slid down to the floor. Her body trembled and her breath came out ragged. Her tear stained eyes looked down at her shaking hands. She looked back up, he was there. Her broken voice cried out with internal pain as he stood there.
His spiked black hair stood still as the wind beat through it. His ocean blue eyes looked at her with pity. His strong build and 5’9 height was the same as always except for one thing….
Emery stopped screaming so she could yell, “Go! Leave me in my grief!! You’re not him..you’re not him.. he’s- he’s-“ she couldn’t hold back the sobs any longer. She banged her head against the wall as she cried uncontrollably.
He’s never coming back.
The memories started to come back and torment her again, and she was too weak to stop them…
“Night, please! Please stop running so we can talk about this!!!”
Emery painfully ran faster and she suddenly made a right turn then an immediate left. She dove into the thick shadows of night and pressed her shaking body against the building. With her hand covering her mouth she listened for his footsteps. Luckily he was still running fast enough that she could hear him pass the path. Emery removed her hand and allowed herself to take many deep breaths. With her breathing under control her body slowly stopped shaking from the strain of her previous speed.
‘Finally lost him,’ her mind still didn’t seem convinced as her thought s did.
Because she felt the cold air pierce her sweaty clothes she wrapped her arms around her stomach to stay warm.
The darkness covered her like a blanket but somehow the moonlight cut through and bathed her in its light. Her bluish- grey eyes squinted and a cold breeze swept through and tried to carry away her brown hair. Emery used the light and wind as a reason to start heading back to her fortress. With a hand pushing on the wall for support, she rose and started walking back the way she had come.

She returned her arms to their previous place against her chest. She wasn’t going to let the cold consume her.
Her short sleeved t-shirt quivered as the wind pursued her. Luckily she had put on jeans before she went to the market.
Her eyes glistened with tears as she walked. How was she going to recover what she had lost? She briefly squeezed her eyes shut as she thought of the impossibility to keep the information a secret from her servants for a long period of time. She had to find it.
Emery stubbornly clenched her jaw. Even if that woman was correct about him being the only way to finding it she would not follow him. He would not be her ally after his betrayal.
‘Deceitful little-‘ her nasty thoughts were interrupted when she spotted something slightly headed of her on the ground. ‘What is that..no-no please don’t be a shadow. ‘ It moved an arm. She bolted.
She didn’t have to look behind her to know who was on her tail. Every muscle in her body screamed at her to stop. ‘Gotta keep going.’
She clenched her teeth in strain. ‘Almost home. Just a few more miles…’
Something was closing in off in the distance. Emery didn’t know what it was but she smelled magic at work. In a blink of an eye it crashed into her. A gasp escaped her lips as felt herself fall backwards into darkness.
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Type: Question • Score: 1 • Views: 1,215 • Replies: 3

Reply Fri 1 Nov, 2013 11:10 am
To me, Guess, it seems overly turgid. However don't let me discourage you

Incidentally it aids readability, at least in this environment, to carriage return between paras. Doing so also sometimes better reveals where consecutive paras might be combined
Reply Fri 1 Nov, 2013 11:33 am
Okay I will take what you have said and use it to better my story later on Smile thanks
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Reply Fri 1 Nov, 2013 11:58 am
Dale wrote:
carriage return between paras.

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