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How can i improve my descriptive essay?

 
 
boy3005
 
Reply Wed 23 Oct, 2013 10:26 am
Teacher's Comment: I'd wish to see a bit more vivid,specific detail. You describe practically nothing in detail. This is a rather slight paper, that doesn't really support the dominant impression.

How can i provide more vivid specific details, where should i provide them...im kinda of lost. I know you guys dont want to read a boring essay but please help me out. Thank you.
I don't mind criticisms. In fact, please do.

This is after i corrected everything my teacher crossed out.

Essay:
Have you ever been in a crowded and dirty place, one that makes your skin crawl with disgust and terror? I have and that was during my trip to Main Street for the doctor’s appointment. Main Street, Flushing is a disaster area. Streets are filled with traffic and crowds. The sanitation is absolutely terrible and people are ignorant and rude. Main Street is not a place that you would want to attend daily or at all.

Main Street is appetizing for its food but the crowds can a hassle and infuriating. Near the long rusty bridge which serves as the entrance to inner part of Main Street. One smells by the sweet and mouthwatering fragrance of meat buns, coming from green food stand under the bridge named “AA Plaza” with long and busy lines of people waiting to order. ( He wrote underdeveloped paragraph here what else can I write about beside specific examples of main street's food)

Everything turned for the worse after the bridge. The strong and odious odor of gasoline and smoke from cars and food carts lingered in the air and replaced the sweet fragrance of food. There was nothing to see besides glass and concrete buildings ruined by graffiti and large advertisements. The crowds doubled in size and the place got rowdier as car drivers engaged in constant beeping. Food was scattered on the street due to careless customers and employees. Stop lights were either flicking in a random way, broken, or delayed leading people to misdirection.

Further on, the situation was far worse. Children screeching and screaming like bats at night. Employees were shouting in a repetitive way to attract customers. The scents of smoke and gasoline were now overwhelmed temporally by a stinky stench from the inside of the supermarket likely from the seafood inside. Far more disgusting and disturbing was the white feces lying around in the streets.

Crowds seemed everlasting and the heavy smell of gasoline and smoke never seem to disappear. Tired of the crowds and smells, I decided Main Street wasn’t a place that I want to be in any longer as I swiftly went to my doctor’s appointment and left the streets.
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Type: Question • Score: 14 • Views: 1,847 • Replies: 3
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PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Wed 23 Oct, 2013 10:39 am
You described the environment well, but not the "crowds." What specifically did you see in the people that made you feel so disgusted?
boy3005
 
  1  
Reply Wed 23 Oct, 2013 11:22 am
@PUNKEY,
It's not the people that disgusted me. It was rather the streets. My teacher told me to be specific at certain parts like what the employees were shouting and what the advertisements say. So im wondering if i was providing enough vivid and specific details for what I see in the streets. If not, can you tell me what details are not specific/vivid enough?
0 Replies
 
OmSigDAVID
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 Dec, 2013 05:42 am
@boy3005,
boy3005 wrote:

Teacher's Comment: I'd wish to see a bit more vivid,specific detail. You describe practically nothing in detail. This is a rather slight paper, that doesn't really support the dominant impression.

How can i provide more vivid specific details, where should i provide them...im kinda of lost. I know you guys dont want to read a boring essay but please help me out. Thank you.
I don't mind criticisms. In fact, please do.

This is after i corrected everything my teacher crossed out.
I used to drive thru that area occasionally, Main St. Flushing
b4 I left NY
.

Essay:
Have you ever been in a crowded and dirty place, one that makes your skin crawl with disgust and terror? I have and that was during my trip to Main Street for a medical appointment. Main Street, Flushing is a disaster area. Streets are filled with traffic and crowds. The sanitation is absolutely terrible and people are ignorant and rude. Main Street is not a desirable place to attend.

Main Street is appetizing for its food but the crowds can be a hassle and infuriating. Near the long rusty bridge which serves as the entrance to inner part of Main Street.???[That is not a sentence.] One smells the sweet and mouthwatering fragrance of meat buns, coming from a green food stand under the bridge named “AA Plaza” with long and busy lines of people waiting to order. ( He wrote underdeveloped paragraph here; what else can I write about beside specific examples of main street's food)

Everything turned for the worse after the bridge. The strong, repulsive odors of gasoline and smoke from cars and food carts lingered in the air and replaced the sweet fragrance of the food. There was nothing to see besides glass and concrete buildings ruined by graffiti and large advertisements. The crowds doubled in size and the place got rowdier as car drivers engaged in constant beeping. Food was scattered on the street due to careless customers and employees. Stop lights were either flickering in a random way, broken, or delayed leading people to frustration.

Further on, the situation was far worse. Children screeching and screaming like bats at night. [Do bats make noise at night??] Employees repetitively were shouting to attract customers. The scents of smoke and gasoline were now overwhelmed temporally [temporarily?] by a stench from inside the supermarket, likely from its seafood.

Crowds seemed everlasting and the heavy smell of gasoline and smoke never seemed to disappear. Tired of the crowds and smells, I decided Main Street wasn’t a place that I want to be in any longer as I swiftly went to my doctor’s appointment and left the streets.


U might wanna use a computer-based thesaurus
to play with some words like "terror"
.
0 Replies
 
 

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