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I am pregnant by my MM

 
 
Reply Fri 9 Aug, 2013 10:10 pm
I am married, 35 , in an affair with a MM and pregnant with his baby. I have not heard anything from him in more than 15 days. He knows I am pregnant with his baby. He initially wanted me to get an abortion but changed his mind when I argued with him about it. He was sending me sporadic emails since he found out and we agreed that I keep the baby but I have not heard from him since his last contact with me (a phone call for only 5 mins!) and this was 3 weeks ago.
What am I supposed to do? I am an emotional wreck. I do not have the energy and the strength to do my routine activities at home and at work. I am always crying and running out of excuses for my crying bouts. I am always nauseous and feeling sick waiting for his call or even just an e-mail. My husband thinks this is own baby and not the MM.

 
contrex
 
  2  
Reply Sat 10 Aug, 2013 12:40 am
What is an MM?
jespah
 
  6  
Reply Sat 10 Aug, 2013 04:31 am
@contrex,
contrex, MM = married man.

This child is the product of an affair.

Now, advice to the original poster -
  1. Tell your husband WTF is going on. There is every possibility that he will leave you over this. But you need to tell him because (a) it's going to come out at some point, anyway, and you would have at least a chance of not being rejected and (b ) it's monumentally unfair to ask him to shoulder the financial and emotional burdens of a child that is not his and (c ) wackier things have happened and it may turn out that this child is, biologically, your husband's. But he should still know about the affair and he should still know that there are doubts. And he should be given the opportunity to walk away or adopt this child or whatever he wants to do, but he needs to be presented with all of the facts so that he can make an informed decision. Do it now, before he gets too emotionally invested. The man deserves that much.
  2. When affairs end (and this one has ended, even if you do not acknowledge that yet), I usually tell people to avoid all contact and delete nostalgic junk and contact information. But there is a child here and so all bets are off. Now it is a financial responsibility. Time for you to leave a phone message for this jerk that says something along the lines of, this is your child, you cannot hide from that. I fully expect you to man up and take financial and emotional responsibility. If you cannot, I will see to it that a court requires you to do so. You have 10 days.
  3. Is #2 not nice? You betcha. But denial and delaying are not going to put shoes on that kid's feet. In particular, if your husband leaves you, you are going to need this money. I recognize that it may be tough and it may feel unromantic and mercenary to think and behave this way, but you need to become the advocate for this child. And that means, during that 10-day period (or 30, or whatever, but give him a set amount of time. Don't let him dick you around forever), retain the services of an attorney. You may or may not need a lawyer, but at least start getting that duck lined up. BTW, you will not need to tell this guy's wife. If he agrees to pay, then she will know once she sees the $$ going out of their checking account every month. If he does not agree to pay, then she'll learn when he's served with a subpoena.
  4. Seriously consider counseling, either alone or marriage counseling if your husband decides to stay with you. Find out what was missing from your marriage that made it attractive for you to not only stray but get involved enough so as to get pregnant. And also develop some coping mechanisms. This will not necessarily be a happy ending. But at least it can be an ending where everyone is honest and above board, and this child – who is innocent in all of this, let's not forget - does not starve, and has a chance at life.


Also - lest anyone think I am here to shame anyone, etc., or blame the baby daddy or whatever - bottom line, this is a kid who needs a home, an education, etc. There is every chance that this child will grow up in poverty if this woman's husband leaves her in the lurch, as it seems the baby daddy is doing, too. And I absolutely favor telling the husband, and it should be Job One. As in, turn off the computer, right now, and tell him. Because a child deserves to know his parents (and their genetically-carried diseases, at the barest minimum) and a person who may be on the hook for a good million $$ in support should know if the person they are supporting is a blood relative or not.
BillRM
 
  2  
Reply Sat 10 Aug, 2013 04:47 am
What a god damn mess and it is the baby that is in the cross hairs of anything that will go wrong here.

Off hand, I can not see too must likelihood of things going even semi good either unless she have a saint for a husband.
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Aug, 2013 04:58 am
@stuck080813,
How long were you involved with MM. ? How long were you involved with the affair?

For the most part affairs occur when partners are not happy with their relationship. All be it that they don't bother trying to fix it they go outside for adventure instead. Anyway, does he have children do you?

From my experience purely with Forums an affair is exactly that, there is no love just lust and the want and desire that either party isn't getting at home.

If he is now ignoring you, he wants to stay with his other half. As he always did. In my opinion.

I appreciate you see love ... I don't think he does given the time frame that he hasn't contacted you.

So what are you going to do?

Your husband does not deserve to think that the child is his, given that he /s he is not.

What ever the future. He deserves to know the truth and if your MM doesn't come back? You need to realise this is a human being, a little one, that needs so much love and feeling a part of a life.

If you had an affair then things are not right at home. If you bring this child into this World make sure he/she has all the love he / she needs and deserves.
0 Replies
 
rosborne979
 
  2  
Reply Sat 10 Aug, 2013 04:59 am
@stuck080813,
When the baby is born is it going to look anything like your husband or is it going to be an instant giveaway? ... just kidding Wink

The obvious right thing to do is just to tell everyone the truth and let the chips fall where they may. But since you were already having an affair you will probably choose the path of subterfuge. If so, prepare for a life of constant guilt and stress dreading the day when your child needs an organ transplant from a genetic donor and the whole net of lies you'll have to spin will ensnare you.

By the way, if the married man initially wanted you to get an abortion and you argued with him, it doesn't mean he changed his mind (even if he says so), it probably means he just got tired of arguing with you.

(Summary: Put the baby's needs first, endure the payment that will have to come from your actions, move on, and try not to make the same mistakes again.)
0 Replies
 
Frank Apisa
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Aug, 2013 05:00 am
In most (probably, all) states here in the US...the legal "father" of the child will be your legal husband, regardless of biology. Not really sure...some research will have to be done that I'm not especially interested in doing.
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Aug, 2013 06:34 am
@Frank Apisa,
I
Quote:
n most (probably, all) states here in the US...the legal "father" of the child will be your legal husband, regardless of biology. Not really sure...some research will have to be done that I'm not especially interested in doing.


No that simple the presume father is the husband however and even more fun if the man does not know about the situation at once an take legal steps not to be consider the father he will need to paid the lady child support even if it then come out that he is not the father in most states.

She might wish to do some research to how long she would need to fool her husband before he can not get out of supporting the child in her state as somehow I do not think that her MM is going to offer her any support.

Love indeed.............
0 Replies
 
JPB
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Aug, 2013 07:29 am
@Frank Apisa,
Definitely true in some states. Minnesota for example:
Quote:
The law presumes that a husband is the "legal" father of a child born to his wife during the marriage.
If a woman is married and has a child by someone other than her husband, Minnesota law automatically presumes that her husband is the father and he will be legally responsible for the child until paternity is established with the other man. The biological father has no legal rights or financial obligations to the child, unless he is established to be the "legal" father.

ehBeth
 
  4  
Reply Sat 10 Aug, 2013 07:45 am
@stuck080813,
1. listen to Jespah

2. listen to Jespah

get on with your life


(p.s. you are no longer in an affair with a MM. that is over)
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Aug, 2013 07:50 am
Is there ANY chance that this could be your husband's baby?

Your lover has spoken. He wants nothing to do with this unwanted pregnancy.
You can count him out on all accounts . . .

You will have to establish paternity before you can do anything else. Have you told your husband about the pregnancy (not the affair, just about the pregnancy)?
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sat 10 Aug, 2013 08:00 am
@PUNKEY,
Punkey - read the original post. She says her husband thinks this is his child.

Read.
0 Replies
 
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Aug, 2013 08:05 am
@JPB,
The state does not care for the most part who is the real father as long as it can find someone to paid the bills other then the state.

An once more in a large numbers of states the husband would have to legally challenge his fatherhood within a very narrow time window as otherwise it will no longer matter.

So she can find out this time window and hope she can pass the baby as her husband until the time window for him being able to challenge his fatherhood to have pass.
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Aug, 2013 09:37 am
@BillRM,
Below in an interesting New York time article on the state of the laws for children born inside a marriage by cheating wives


0 Replies
 
IRFRANK
 
  2  
Reply Sun 11 Aug, 2013 06:37 am
@jespah,
That must be the most complete and correct advise I've ever seen here.
contrex
 
  1  
Reply Sun 11 Aug, 2013 07:40 am
I am slightly taken aback by the thought that the OP is so used to having it away with married men that she has a standard abbreviation ("MM") for them. Or is this just the way younger people write these days?

jespah
 
  1  
Reply Sun 11 Aug, 2013 08:44 am
@IRFRANK,
Hey, thanks!

PS contrex - I've seen the MM abbreviation elsewhere.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 11 Aug, 2013 01:49 pm
@contrex,
MM is a standard abbreviations - similiar (but obviously different) to DH, DMIL, OM, SO etc

about 10/15 years ago I used to participate in a food board that was all about abbreviations for describing relationships - took me ages to figure it out who people were talking about
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 11 Aug, 2013 01:50 pm
@contrex,
nothing to do with younger people using those abbreviations - the average age of the posters on that food board was over 50 at that time
Rockhead
 
  1  
Reply Sun 11 Aug, 2013 01:52 pm
@ehBeth,
I assumed she was banging her postal carrier...

(I ruled out Mickey Mouse)
0 Replies
 
 

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