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an introduction for capital punishment

Forums: Original Writing, Capital Punishment, Essay
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mehdi1
 
Reply Tue 23 Jul, 2013 12:18 pm
hi.i have written an introduction for capital punishment and I am willing to know my mistakes.

Should we put capital punishment to death? in modern and civilized societies,supporters of capital punishment has decreased in number considerably and critics considers it inhumane and barbaric but I believe this attitude is unrealistic and romantic and ignores the human nature and it is harmful to the society.This essay will discuss the issue in details.

please be honest and helpful.what do you think of my first sentence?do you find my essay misleading or ambiguous?
I m learning how to write an essay and my teacher wanted me to focus on introduction part.when I showed my paper to her,she thought that my first sentence was misleading and not clear enough and she said if I m going to to start my essay like that,i need to explain it and make it clear in my subsequent sentences but I think that my first sentence is clear enough and my subsequent sentences makes it crystal clear and reader isnot dumb.what do you think?
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Type: Question • Score: 3 • Views: 3,529 • Replies: 12
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edgarblythe
 
  1  
Reply Tue 23 Jul, 2013 01:27 pm
@mehdi1,
Write it up in your native language and then get a translation. It will be much easier to read.
mehdi1
 
  1  
Reply Tue 23 Jul, 2013 01:30 pm
@edgarblythe,
do you have difficulty understading what I have written?
edgarblythe
 
  2  
Reply Tue 23 Jul, 2013 01:53 pm
@mehdi1,
I get the gist of it, but to be successful you will need a better presentation.
contrex
 
  2  
Reply Tue 23 Jul, 2013 01:56 pm
Should we put capital punishment to death? in (Should be In - we start sentences with capital letters) modern and civilized societies,(put a space after a comma)supporters of capital punishment has (have - 'supporters' is plural) decreased in number considerably and critics considers (consider - 'critics' is plural) it inhumane and barbaric but I believe this attitude is unrealistic and romantic and ignores the (delete 'the') human nature and (that) it is harmful to the (delete 'the) society.(Put a space after a period. Also, the preceding sentence is much too long)This essay will discuss the issue in details. (in detail)
dalehileman
 
  1  
Reply Tue 23 Jul, 2013 02:34 pm
@mehdi1,
Should we put capital punishment to death? In modern and civilized societies, supporters of capital punishment have decreased in number considerably while critics considers it inhumane and barbaric; but I believe this attitude is unrealistic and romantic, ignoring human nature and harmful to society. This essay will discuss the issue in detail

Quote:
.what do you think of my first sentence?
I like it Mehdi

Quote:
do you find my essay misleading or ambiguous?
I'd have to read the entire essay

mehdi1
 
  0  
Reply Tue 23 Jul, 2013 02:50 pm
@contrex,
thank you so much contrex.
I think I made a mistake that you didn't notice.
supporters of capital punishment have decreased considerably in number.
I was told this is correct.Is it right?
mehdi1
 
  0  
Reply Tue 23 Jul, 2013 02:54 pm
@dalehileman,
I asked what you think of my first sentence since,as I explained in my first post,my teacher criticized it and said it is ambiguous and misleading but I disagreed with her so you think my first sentence is clear and interesting and my teacher is wrong.
mehdi1
 
  0  
Reply Tue 23 Jul, 2013 02:59 pm
@edgarblythe,
I m aware of my big mistakes.i m taking my first steps in writing an essay and this is my first English essay that I have tried to write based on what I have learned academicly.
edgarblythe
 
  1  
Reply Tue 23 Jul, 2013 03:11 pm
@mehdi1,
Understand, I am being a friendly commentator here. What I offer is only suggestion and it is up to you to make a final choice.
contrex
 
  1  
Reply Tue 23 Jul, 2013 03:47 pm
@mehdi1,
mehdi1 wrote:
I think I made a mistake that you didn't notice.
supporters of capital punishment have decreased considerably in number.
I was told this is correct.Is it right?


If you mean the word order, then you didn't make a mistake. All these are OK:

have decreased considerably in number
have decreased in number considerably
have considerably decreased in number


0 Replies
 
mehdi1
 
  1  
Reply Tue 23 Jul, 2013 04:11 pm
@edgarblythe,
I really appreciate it and I m aware of your good intentions and I listen to your suggestions openly but I just need more specific and detailed advices about what went wrong and and how I can improve.for example I asked a few questions and I would like to get as many answers as possible.
0 Replies
 
dalehileman
 
  1  
Reply Tue 23 Jul, 2013 04:32 pm
@mehdi1,
Quote:
you think my first sentence is clear and interesting and my teacher is wrong.
I do
0 Replies
 
 

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