Godzilla Will Not Return

ODO ISLAND, Pacific Ocean – Godzilla—the giant, radioactive mutant sea creature of cinema infamy—said yesterday that he will not return from his 15-year-long retirement, defying many who expected his imminent return to America. The Japanese Destroyer-of-Cities says he will continue spending his days idly, relaxing off the coast of Odo Island, because he “doesn’t believe [his] services are really needed at this time, since America’s infrastructure is falling apart just fine on its own.”

Godzilla, communicating via Skype, told reporters that at one point he did indeed consider mounting a comeback. “There were a few months in late 2008 and early 2009 when it looked like America’s roads, bridges and buildings might get rebuilt—and, as you know, there’s nothing I like more than violently demolishing recently-renovated infrastructure.

“But since then, the whole issue has just fallen off the radar,” the monster continued. “America’s infrastructure is in such bad shape, smashing it would just be too easy. I can’t work unless I feel challenged, you know?”

Godzilla—who was last seen destroying the New York skyline in 1998, when he enjoyed a brief but public flirtation with rapper and producer Sean “Puffy” Combs— said that he made his final decision when he heard that two US bridges—one in Missouri, and a heavily-trafficked bridge in Washington state—had collapsed in less than a week. Remarkably, no one was killed in either incident, but Godzilla said “it just goes to show you how shitty the bridges in America have become. Why waste my time pummeling them when they’re just going to self-destruct anyway?”

Indeed, an investigation conducted by the Associated Press found that thousands of bridges across the United States are vulnerable to similar collapse, and the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) called the Washington collapse a “wake-up call.” Despite the fact that around 66,000 American bridges—crossed by millions of people each day—are considered “structurally deficient,” public spending on infrastructure has “plummeted” since 2008, and is currently at a 20-year low.

Godzilla cited the latter figure when he announced his decision. “I mean, come on,” he said. “Even I think that’s disgraceful, and I absolutely despise bridges.”

With his plans for reemergence postponed indefinitely, Godzilla says he wants to focus on his many hobbies, which include performance fire-breathing, “yard-saling” for used TVs to smash, and, “admittedly, spending way too much time playing Candy Crush Saga.”