An (Un)Healthy Obsession?

mmmmm

so what I'm getting at is that we all have different ways of dealing with interests

That is an interesting and curious way to be.

I'm going to have to think a bit on the idea of mastery......

I think this is where you will find your answer. When he returns to school, if his school work, friendships or chores suffer, then there might be a problem. If he's able to manage his time and responsibilities, then leave the kid alone and let him enjoy the sport and camaraderie with other golfers.

If you're still worried, you might consider going out to the course once in awhile to hit some balls so you can get a feel for what's going on. Make it an occasional family event where all three of you spend the day on the course.

The most common way that people get seriously hurt in golf (still rare compared to injuries in other sports) is staying out too long in thunder storms, with long metal rods (golf clubs) in their hands...

When it gets in the way of him accomplishing goals outside of golf that he wants to accomplish. Until that happens, I would relax. Classical piano-playing, one obsession of my own youth has done me no harm. Science, my other obsession, has been very good to me financially and intellectually. I wouldn't have gotten as far as I have without being obsessive about it. If Mo likes golf enough to make an obsession out of it, good for him!

PS: OmSigDavid doesn't seem to be around, so I'll ask the question instead: Is Mo neglecting his BB gun because of golf? That would seem to be a big red flag.

You're right -- only time will tell.

I just don't want to set it up so that it is harder for him to return to the routine of school.

He doesn't have a BB gun!

The gun thing was never an obsession that required hours a day, even at it's peak. It was more like the shark and snake obsession where he wanted to learn all he could and then he dropped it. He never got a gun (or a shark); he did have a few pellet guns (and a beta fish).

I got obsessed with reading the sports pages and then lots of library books on sports history (also medical history, a different strong interest) when I was thirteen. My father had taken me to the horseraces at Hollywood Park. And that was after I had been, the year before, at a neighbor friend's house back in Chicago and walked in the room with that family watching the Kentucky Derby - wow. I've followed sports most of my life, skipping the interest for some years here and there, and here I am now playing a2k fantasy baseball.

My father and uncle took me and my cousin to play golf at Rancho Park, every weekend for quite a while. Once a year there was an L A Open at Rancho. I got to follow Arnold Palmer around, a big deal for me, but also others. I didn't have playmates in those years as I was the new girl at school (a couple of bus rides away) and in contrast to my last neighborhood, no kids around. So.. I read many hours a day, probably too many, a fair amount of that about sports. Still do that, though I did branch out into living life once I got to the magic day of turning sixteen - work, new friends, lots of new interests.

How were you, obsession wise, Boom, when you first got interested in photography?

Edit to add: as an only child, with only a relatively short exposure to playing with other children - those five years in Chicago - I was generally more comfortable around adults.

Time will tell. See what happens after school starts.

If it still continues...

The cost alone should be a limiting factor in how often Mo can play a round or hit a bucket of balls. Is Mo financing this on his own or are you supporting him in this endeavor? To the extent that you can monetarily control it, perhaps you should do so. That might also encourage him to earn some money, save it, sacrifice spending on other things if golf is that important to him, etc. Passions are great, but you have to be able to afford them, that's reality.

And maybe Mr B should try to put a limit on the number of golf-related texts per day that Mo sends him--what Mo wants to do on his own re playing golf is one thing, but badgering Mr B about it is another. Let them set up some regular schedule of when they will play together, and stick to it, just to set some temporary boundaries to limit the daily text badgering to play more often. It's great they share this mutual interest, but Mr B's time schedule, and other commitments and interests, differs from Mo's, and being badgered by texts all day can be quite annoying, and that's reality too.

Boom, without revealing anything critical to your ID, tell us something about yourself: Age, sex (presume f), relationship to Mo, nationality, ed., work, motives, etc. My guess: subliminal jealousy

Yes, very. One of our sons enjoys the obsession , is healthy, normal in every other respect

That's the reaction we likewise accrue

At 34 of course ours doesn't require such interventions. However he's engaged and we have yet to assess his mate's possible reaction

A black widow dropping from an overhanging branch

Doubtless your ref is to this years' weather at the northeast and its effect upon the sport

When does a pass time tip into obsession? When does an obsession become unhealthy?

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20111013101119AAEuhji

Sorry Boom just couldn't resist
It becomes unhealthy when yardwork suffers, as my obsession with these dumb forums

I didn't know you were such a sports nut, osso!



That's a good question. I'll probably have to talk it over with my mom to get a good answer because I was only about 7 when I first became interested. As I recall it, it was more of a smolder than an obsession. I really loved working in the darkroom but I didn't feel compelled to do it every day, even at the height of my love affair with it.

Would that make us those kind of soul crushing parents that make their kids put away their silly games and dreams and focus on becoming something more "professional"?

I'm not trying to be a wise guy by asking this. I'd really like to know.

Mo's pretty good about paying for things he wants -- he payed for his own bike not long ago, for instance. He paid to get his ear pierced. But he hasn't yet had to pay for golf....

Maybe we need to rethink the allowance thing. He's never received an allowance since doing things around the house are expected of all family members. He has to pick up extra chores in order to earn money.

I'm jealous?

I could go play golf all day, every day, if I wanted to.

Hey boomer,

My reading of this is that you're worried that he's using golf as an escape -- and therefore wondering/ worrying about what he's escaping from.

It sounds like there has been some social stuff that hasn't been going that well for him (videogame people being nice in person but mean online, keeping his head down and just doing his work and getting home at school). The golf course is nice and uncomplicated.

So, the uneasiness (spidey senses) might be that you're trying to figure out whether you just allow the escape, or if there is a need to address what he's escaping from. Making sure he has a chance to have interactions with peers he's comfortable with, that sort of thing.

I still still still struggle with the whole laissez faire/ proactive thing. Every single thing we do or don't do has an effect of some sort.

(enjoying the thread)

I was never a data memorizer - I was in it for the stories, about horses or golfers or baseball players, etc.

I think it's a stage he's going through as well as his personality. I think ehBeth hit the nail on the head. You mentioned he read about sharks and snakes until he learned all about them and then dropped it.

I used to take my son golfing starting when he was 10. He loved it... we'd play 2 rounds on the miniature course on the weekends and do the twilight thing a couple or three times a week during the summers. I loved it, too, and he was fun to golf with. When he was 15, he moved with his dad to another town and the golf club there had a teen membership - $160/yr for unlimited golf. For his Christmas and B'day gift that year, I bought him a beautiful set of clubs. He played two full founds of golf a day most days during the summer. At 30 this year, he still loves golfing and plays 2 or 3 times a week. He's no longer obsessed with it, however. He has a life outside of golf!

I don't think there's anything wrong with what he's doing. He may like golf or love it, but he certainly seems to want to master it. And it's a healthy 'obsession' if it is, indeed, an obsession. And I'm sure it'll taper off.

I see. Then let me rephrase my question: Is the golf obsession harming any pursuit of his that is, or ought to be, more important to him than golf? That's where I would draw the line if I were a parent; from what you've written so far, I can't tell whether or not that's the case with Mo.

(Disclaimer: From earlier discussions, I'm fairly certain that several posters in this thread are glad I'm not anyone's parent. Whether they're right or wrong is a separate issue. Still, you may want to keep this in mind if you're ever tempted to consider any parenting advice I give. )

PS: If the root of your concern is that Mo's personality might be vulnerable to addiction, don't try to change his personality. I don't think you can change it. What I think you can do, though, is teach him how to act on his personality. For example, you can teach him how to form and cultivate habits that are constructive, or at least non-self-destructive (like golf). You can also teach him how to tell if an addiction is taking over his life, how to think about his trigger-action-reward cycle, and how to manage it accordingly. Come to think about it, this is the kind of issue that school counsellors spend a lot of their time helping students with. So if you and Mo both trust "Ben" the counsellor, how about calling up "Ben" and talking it through with him?

I agree with almost everything everyone else has said. But I can offer one point. If obsession was something to be avoided, we'd have no doctors, lawyers, scientists, successful business men......you get the idea. I think Thomas is right. It's not whether it's obsessive, but how he uses it that matters. Which is basically what everyone else here has said. Obsessive compulsive behavior can be used for the benefit of the person. In that case, it's called a sublimation and is among the highest forms of defensive mechanisms known to man. We all have to defend against the pain of conflict and uncertainty. So defense is not avoidable. It's how we defend and gratify that makes the difference between helpful and hurtful. It sounds to me like Mo has found something that interests him for now. It may turn into something he can use later or not. But it sounds like he needs something now. And I can't hear how it's hurting him as yet. He sounds like a son to be proud of.

School is actually going great. He loves this school and he's doing really, really well. There have been a few social problems but it's middle school so some problems are expected.

But I don't think the golf course is uncomplicated. I think it's very complicated. He knows the only way he can play on it at his age is to exhibit a lot of self control -- and his self control and his ability to deal with frustration has skyrocketed since he's been playing a lot.

I really see a lot of positive things happening.

But it's also a beautiful Saturday and he hasn't called his friends at all. He hasn't ridden his beloved bicycle. Except for 30 minutes for lunch he's been at the course since 9:00 this morning. (Played 18 holes, hit a bucket of balls and hit the practice area to work on his short game.)

So I like what it seems to be doing for him but I just don't know if he's completely overboard with it.