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Looking for feedback and advice on college transfer admissions essay

 
 
Reply Sat 9 Feb, 2013 04:21 pm
Hi, I'd love some feedback on my transfer personal statement essay. Thanks for reading it and any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you!

Here is the prompt, right now my essay is 1000 words.

Personal statement

You are required to complete a personal statement as part of your transfer application. This is a critical part of your application, both for admission and scholarship consideration.
Personal statement (750 - 1,000 words)

The personal statement should be a comprehensive essay outlining significant aspects of your academic and personal history, particularly those that provide context for your academic achievements and educational choices. Quality of writing and depth of content both contribute toward a meaningful and relevant personal statement.

You must address the following topics: (required)

Academic History: Tell us about your academic career to date, describing your performance, educational path and choices. Describe any situations that may have had a significant positive or negative impact on your academic progress and or curricular choices. If you had a significant break in your education, or changed career paths, please explain.
Your Major and/or Career Goals: Tell us about your intended major and career aspirations. Describe your plans for preparing for your intended major. What led you to choose this major? If you are undecided, what type(s) of career(s) or major(s) are you most interested in exploring? How will UW Tacoma help you attain your academic, career, and/or personal goals?
Cultural Understanding: Thoughtfully describe the ways in which culture has had an impact on your life and what you have learned about yourself and society as a result. How has your own cultural history enriched and/or challenged you? NOTE: Culture may be defined broadly.
Educational Challenges / Personal Hardships: Describe any personal or imposed challenges or hardships you have overcome in pursuing your education.

You may address the following topics if they apply to you: (optional)

Community, Military, or Volunteer Service: Describe your community, military, or volunteer service, including leadership, awards, or increased levels of responsibility.
Experiential Learning: Describe your involvement in research, artistic or athletic endeavors, and/or work (paid or volunteer), as they have contributed to your academic, career, or personal goals.

Personal Statement

"Keomp Yu Teoga, Milae,” meaning "computers are the future" in English, still echoes in my ears. These were very frequent words of my uncle Yo Jin, who was a computer engineer by profession and the person who introduced me to computers when I was just the tender age of six. With my uncle's profound influence, I too gradually developed a strong passion for computers. I was born in South Korea, my mother’s homeland, but my family would not stay there for long as I was born with a cranial condition, craniosynostosis, which is caused by a premature fusion in in one or more of the fibrous sutures of the skull.

My father, who was in the Air Force at the time, was advised to have our family stationed in Tacoma, Washington so I could receive medical treatment by some of the top cranial surgeons in the world at Madigan Hospital. We all felt very fortunate because the doctors discovered my condition before it was too late allowing me to be cured completely. However, I became aware of this illness only when my parents told me about it years later. This story made a tremendous impact on shaping my personality in a positive way and I began to strive hard to be the best person I could possibly be and to make the most out of every day.

When I began the seventh grade, this was a drive that would propel me through my middle school years and beyond. I attended elementary school in South Korea but my family moved back to Tacoma when I began middle school. Therefore, I didn’t have any friends at the time and dealt with a great deal of bullying. There were times when I felt like giving up, but living in South Korea, my uncle taught me the value of education, which is of paramount importance in Korean culture. With that in mind, giving up was not an option and the bullying actually became a major motivator for me to succeed. I focused on my schoolwork, continued to learn more about computers, and got involved in sports. I played various sports in school but there was one in particular that I became extremely passionate about and that was professional wrestling.

During my senior year of high school, I enrolled in the Running Start program at Tacoma Community College to get the opportunity to immerse myself in the college atmosphere and loved it. There was only one issue. I wasn’t completely sure I would be going to college right away. Like a lot of students that graduate high school, I was asking myself the question, “What’s next?” Not because I didn’t have an idea of what I wanted to do, but because there were two career goals that I was extremely passionate about pursuing, computer science and professional wrestling. I saw pro wrestling on TV for the first time when I was eight years old and my childhood dream was to perform on WWE television one day. I was so driven that I had no doubts whatsoever my dream would one day become a reality. At the time, I honestly believed that I could strive to become a pro wrestler and go to college concurrently, but as time went on, that became more and more unrealistic.

After I graduated high school, I enrolled at Pierce Community College and began going to pro wrestling school. I was able to maintain my grades and excel in pro wrestling training for a while, but as time went on, I realized that I wouldn’t be able to give 100 percent effort into both at the same time. I started to receive offers to wrestle across the country and felt a burning desire in my heart that this was what I wanted to do. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make, but I decided to pursue professional wrestling full time and to put all of my focus and effort into it.

I found a great deal of success as a pro wrestler, but still had a thirst for knowledge as it pertained to computer science and read numerous books on software development. Interestingly enough, I developed programs using the Java language that assisted in advancing my pro wrestling career and continued to maintain a deep passion for both. In 2010, after years of perseverance, I got the opportunity to live out my childhood dream and performed on WWE television. I broke down in tears that night when the realization that all the hard work and sacrifice had finally paid off. I knew in that moment that anything I put my heart and mind towards achieving could be accomplished, no matter how impossible it may seem. Two years later, I made the decision to retire from pro wrestling to go back to school to pursue my other lifelong passion, computer science.

I’ve had an obsession with computers ever since my uncle Yo Jin introduced me to them. I re-enrolled at PCC in 2012 and am currently attending Shoreline Community College as well in order to take CS 141: Intro to Object-Oriented Programming which isn’t offered at PCC. It’s a three hour commute each day but I know this is what I want do and am willing to do anything to accomplish it. I’ll be graduating with an Associate of Arts (AA-DTA) degree from PCC Spring quarter and The University of Washington Tacoma is my top transfer choice. My personal goal is to major in Computer Science and Systems and to graduate with high academic achievements from UW Tacoma. I intend to pursue internships while in school in order to gain as much experience and expertise as possible and plan to get a job at a highly reputable company when I graduate. I feel that I can contribute greatly to the UW Tacoma campus and community and would be greatly honored if given the opportunity.

Thank you so much for reading and your consideration,
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ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sat 9 Feb, 2013 05:40 pm
@theapocalypse,
None of us here will fix your statement. You want to start out as a cheater?
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Sat 9 Feb, 2013 06:05 pm
@theapocalypse,
I don't consider feedback to be cheating. However, as osso stated, we will definitely not write your essay for you.

I like the start with Korean.

Don't use "tender age"; it's a cliché.

When did you learn about your condition? That seems to be missing. Learning at age 17 is different from learning about it at age 3.

The chronology is a bit confusing - did you move here for treatment, or was it just a visit? Because otherwise it just looks like you moved, you went back sometime and then back and the reader cannot follow that.

It's also a bit unclear how programming in Java assisted your pro wrestling career. Did you build an app? Use it to manage fan mail? Something else? Assume the reader knows what Java is, but not the specifics.

And the same is true of your wrestling career. Assume the reader is familiar with the WWE but you will need to provide some specifics. Also, you will need to address the widely-held perception of WWE as being a hotbed of cheating, fakery and steroid use. Get across that you worked and trained hard, and did not take shortcuts. Own up to it as theater, and possibly even work that in, as theater is a well-known avenue to poise and overall confidence. You've performed in front of people on TV (and in person). Get that out there as that is something that a lot of your fellow applicants have not done.

Will you come back with a rewrite so we can peek again?

theapocalypse wrote:

...

Personal Statement

"Keomp Yu Teoga, Milae,” meaning "computers are the future" in English, still echoes in my ears. These were very frequent words of my uncle Yo Jin, who was a computer engineer by profession and the person who introduced me to computers when I was just the tender age of six. With my uncle's profound influence, I too gradually developed a strong passion for computers. I was born in South Korea, my mother’s homeland, but my family would not stay there for long as I was born with a cranial condition, craniosynostosis, which is caused by a premature fusion in in one or more of the fibrous sutures of the skull.

My father, who was in the Air Force at the time, was advised to have our family stationed in Tacoma, Washington so I could receive medical treatment by some of the top cranial surgeons in the world at Madigan Hospital. We all felt very fortunate because the doctors discovered my condition before it was too late allowing me to be cured completely. However, I became aware of this illness only when my parents told me about it years later. This story made a tremendous impact on shaping my personality in a positive way and I began to strive hard to be the best person I could possibly be and to make the most out of every day.

When I began the seventh grade, this was a drive that would propel me through my middle school years and beyond. I attended elementary school in South Korea but my family moved back to Tacoma when I began middle school. Therefore, I didn’t have any friends at the time and dealt with a great deal of bullying. There were times when I felt like giving up, but living in South Korea, my uncle taught me the value of education, which is of paramount importance in Korean culture. With that in mind, giving up was not an option and the bullying actually became a major motivator for me to succeed. I focused on my schoolwork, continued to learn more about computers, and got involved in sports. I played various sports in school but there was one in particular that I became extremely passionate about and that was professional wrestling.

During my senior year of high school, I enrolled in the Running Start program at Tacoma Community College to get the opportunity to immerse myself in the college atmosphere and loved it. There was only one issue. I wasn’t completely sure I would be going to college right away. Like a lot of students that graduate high school, I was asking myself the question, “What’s next?” Not because I didn’t have an idea of what I wanted to do, but because there were two career goals that I was extremely passionate about pursuing, computer science and professional wrestling. I saw pro wrestling on TV for the first time when I was eight years old and my childhood dream was to perform on WWE television one day. I was so driven that I had no doubts whatsoever my dream would one day become a reality. At the time, I honestly believed that I could strive to become a pro wrestler and go to college concurrently, but as time went on, that became more and more unrealistic.

After I graduated high school, I enrolled at Pierce Community College and began going to pro wrestling school. I was able to maintain my grades and excel in pro wrestling training for a while, but as time went on, I realized that I wouldn’t be able to give 100 percent effort into both at the same time. I started to receive offers to wrestle across the country and felt a burning desire in my heart that this was what I wanted to do. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make, but I decided to pursue professional wrestling full time and to put all of my focus and effort into it.

I found a great deal of success as a pro wrestler, but still had a thirst for knowledge as it pertained to computer science and read numerous books on software development. Interestingly enough, I developed programs using the Java language that assisted in advancing my pro wrestling career and continued to maintain a deep passion for both. In 2010, after years of perseverance, I got the opportunity to live out my childhood dream and performed on WWE television. I broke down in tears that night when the realization that all the hard work and sacrifice had finally paid off. I knew in that moment that anything I put my heart and mind towards achieving could be accomplished, no matter how impossible it may seem. Two years later, I made the decision to retire from pro wrestling to go back to school to pursue my other lifelong passion, computer science.

I’ve had an obsession with computers ever since my uncle Yo Jin introduced me to them. I re-enrolled at PCC in 2012 and am currently attending Shoreline Community College as well in order to take CS 141: Intro to Object-Oriented Programming which isn’t offered at PCC. It’s a three hour commute each day but I know this is what I want do and am willing to do anything to accomplish it. I’ll be graduating with an Associate of Arts (AA-DTA) degree from PCC Spring quarter and The University of Washington Tacoma is my top transfer choice. My personal goal is to major in Computer Science and Systems and to graduate with high academic achievements from UW Tacoma. I intend to pursue internships while in school in order to gain as much experience and expertise as possible and plan to get a job at a highly reputable company when I graduate. I feel that I can contribute greatly to the UW Tacoma campus and community and would be greatly honored if given the opportunity.

Thank you so much for reading and your consideration,
theapocalypse
 
  1  
Reply Sat 9 Feb, 2013 06:09 pm
@jespah,
Thanks a ton for the feedback, of course I'm not expecting a rewrite of my essay, just was looking for feedback as I find it tough to revise my own writing. Thank you again, will make revisions and repost.
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Sat 9 Feb, 2013 06:14 pm
@theapocalypse,
Understood - it's often easier when someone who doesn't know the subject looks it over.

May I ask which handle you used in the WWE?
0 Replies
 
 

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