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Does this sound like Pedophilia to you?

 
 
Reply Sun 9 Dec, 2012 07:24 am
Sun 9 Dec, 2012 07:20 am
I became suspicious of my boyfriend when he was playing with his niece and placed her doll between his legs resting on his privates as if he wanted to gage her reaction. I didn't ask him about it but the behavior struck me as Odd.

He also has several pictures of the 6 yr. old girl who lives across the street from him on his camera. She is fully clothed in the photos and they were all taken in one day. I was surprised that a 49 yr. old man would have these pictures. He refers to this little girl as his friend. There were a couple of occasions where he said he had been riding bikes with this little girl last spring. Every time he sees her he mentions her, talks about how cute she is, almost gets excited when he sees her. When I finally got the courage to ask about the photos my boyfriend became very defensive and said I was accusing him of being a criminal. We worked through all of it and I let it go.

At Thanksgiving we were at his brother's house out of town where the 5 yr old niece lives. My boyfriend played incessantly with this little girl. I noticed him stroking her leg with the back of his index finger below her knee--It struck me as questionable affection. Then a few minutes later I noticed him stroking her face and cupping her chin. Just seemed like a lot of affection to be giving one child in one short period of time. The next day he played with her again the entire day. Thee was one point where I was helping in the Kitchen and he was alone with her. As I was walking toward the bathroom I noticed that he had her lying between his legs with the back of her head resting on his crotch. He was stroking her forehead. Later that night I told him I wanted to leave early as we were supposed to spend another day and another night. I broke up with him because all of this was too much.

Last thing: When I first started dating him I went to his workplace there were probably 10-15 pictures of toddlers -1 his nice-the other his friend's daughter. who are not his children--I asked him why he had so many pictures of children? I asked if he wanted kids--he went ballistic on me stating that Iwas accusing him of pedophilia.
 
Ragman
 
  2  
Reply Sun 9 Dec, 2012 08:04 am
@genivive,
Sad, but you did the right thing.

I can only say this: I like children, generally find them cute. I've a few pics of my close friend's grandkids. When I am around small children (relatives and/or friends) I'm engaged for like 10-20 mins and then that's it. I'm sutre it varies as others might engage a bit longer but it's all in the WAY they engage.

You've underlined some behavior that is very questionable and, FWIW, I think others will agree.

IMHO, you did the right thing. Don't look back.
genivive
 
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Reply Sun 9 Dec, 2012 08:18 am
@Ragman,
Thank you Ragman for your kind reply.
Ragman
 
  2  
Reply Sun 9 Dec, 2012 08:29 am
@genivive,
I will add that I don't know enough to label it pedophilia, per see. However, it seems wholly inappropriate behavior. Enough so, I'd have done just what you did.
jespah
 
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Reply Sun 9 Dec, 2012 09:18 am
@Ragman,
It looks an awful lot like it's quacking like that kind of a duck.
genivive
 
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Reply Sun 9 Dec, 2012 09:29 am
@jespah,
The behavior certainly pushes the boundaries of healthy interaction with children. The duck is quacking, but I don't know if anyone can say that it is with certainty pedophilia. I guess I should have labeled my question differently.
Thanks for your thoughts jespah.
Butrflynet
 
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Reply Sun 9 Dec, 2012 01:57 pm
@genivive,
Do you think you need to/should alert the families of these children to your observations?
ossobuco
 
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Reply Sun 9 Dec, 2012 02:12 pm
@Butrflynet,
I agree with Butrflynet's question, while of course worrying that could be invasive with nothing wrong going on - but I'd still warn them. It seems at the least "philia", especially with the crotch hold maneuver.

Legally, I don't know if that's something that could be taken as slander, but I wouldn't care - I would simply describe what you saw.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sun 9 Dec, 2012 02:24 pm
@ossobuco,
I'll add that my reaction is instinctive and that I too don't know where some borderline of affection to disturbed person happens. Maybe he was held that way, and not in an abuse situation.
0 Replies
 
Enchanted1
 
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Reply Thu 4 Jul, 2013 12:35 pm
@genivive,
It is okay for men to spend appropriate time with children, as kids are engaging. However I would be concerned with lying against his crotch, you knew your boyfriend and you did what you felt right for you. I don't know was he ? Attracted to photo's of children.
0 Replies
 
Tabs
 
  0  
Reply Tue 23 Jul, 2013 01:41 am
@genivive,
I would have to say no, what you describe is not an accurate depiction of pedophilia. Quite the contrary, the traits you describe are characteristic of most normal healthy grandfathers enthusiastic about what is important to them in life. Usually if a man is comfortable displaying pictures of his loved ones, or kids who happen to be friends of his, and if he showers a child with affection in full view of everyone, this is not typical behavior of a dangerous pedophile. If he had photos that he kept hidden and secret, that would be a red flag. A pedophile won't risk drawing attention to his victims by sharing them at the workplace. Pedophiles tend to try to hide their odd behavior from view of others, for example the doll resting between his legs, or massaging her, or holding her in his lap. It sounds wholesome and innocent to me. A child abuser would be mindful of the fact this behavior suggestively reveals his pedophilia, and therefore you wouldn't see it. Pedophiles do not want to be caught feeling aroused around kids. If he is comfortable with a child in his lap and clearly not aroused or awkward about it, then he is not a dangerous pedophile. Awkwardness in giving or receiving affection with children is the red flag.

It is quite common and natural for a 50 yr. old man to adore children and play with them for hours, and sometimes smother them with hugs and kisses. There's nothing wrong with it so long as the child is happy and the parents are fully aware.
MrJones
 
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Reply Tue 14 Nov, 2017 03:54 pm
@genivive,
Individually, on their own, each of these distinct occurrences could be quite innocent, but collectively they do sound potentially dangerous. I think women (and all people really) should always trust their instincts.

Although you've come here for help about how this has affected you, I would encourage you to seek social services. You might be the first person to pick up on something that later on became serious. You wouldn't have to interact with your ex boyfriend and you could request they didn't identify you. You'd stay anonymous. And it doesn't matter if this stuff happened years ago. It's still relevant today.

Trust me, I know a lot about this and you might save a child from an experience they never forget. If you're wrong, no harm done. It's the job of social services to keep an eye on certain people and only take action when suspicions are confirmed. E.g. if another person confirmed something that upon cross referencing with your report led them to identify a crime. Social services aren't stupid and they won't jeopardise legal action by going to the police without real evidence.

Better to be safe than sorry. Don't just think about yourself. It'll also help remove a load off your shoulders and social services can help you make sense of a lot more stuff than all the people on the internet put together. That's their speciality and responsibility.
0 Replies
 
MrJones
 
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Reply Tue 14 Nov, 2017 04:05 pm
@Tabs,
I honestly don't know if this is just innocent affection or not, but a common precursor to sexual assault is grooming. Grooming typically involves all the things in the original post.

This man is a bit young to be a grandfather and the children he is interacting with are not related to him. I wonder if their parents are even aware that their children interact with him and would be comfortable with it. We also have to respect their parents regardless of whether this behaviour is wholly innocent or not.

It would be horrible if social services careened in and damaged this man's life without any evidence. I don't think that would happen. And surely, it's a worse possibility if a child is harmed. Better to be safe than sorry.

A common mistake is people think pedophiles are aware of where their actions are taking them. They often aren't. So, potentially this man could be going down a path that will lead to a crime being committed. Better to catch it early and save potential victims and the potential perpetrator before it's too late.

What can complicate things is that the OP had, at one time, an emotional connection to this man that became so damaged that they broke up. You might think that disqualifies her word. It doesn't. Social services are able to distinguish the facts from pure speculation. I'd recommend she goes to them and not delay any longer.
bill from tx
 
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Reply Tue 23 Oct, 2018 11:46 am
@MrJones,
well al de la.....I am totally amazed at the timid shy and for sure immature talk of apparently grown adults here.....can we really look at the problem of pedoism ie….how it has evolved and what has generated the sorry morbib atmosphere of this subject matter...so ok maybe I am the only down to earth honest person alive as I cant seem meet or hear of males that think like I do......first ….all males are pedos and all females are also....see none of you have ever considered that have you....why why why not...scared huh...bawahha ha he he.....so to prove my point as lately as the forties and fifties...it was ok for girls to marry at fifteen....then the new laws of sexual assault came to happen and 18 was set in concrete as the age to be subjected to sexuality of all kinds.....so were all the males at that time pedos when the new laws went into effect....sure they were right....society has spoken and its 18 now to not be underage....well la de da....do I really need to speak about this matter any further....oh ok but we are talking about nine or ten ...well othere might say no I am thinking about up to nine is too young.....give me a break everyone is a pedo and you guys all feel guilt and shame when you are honest and all the others are not honest....and media has given the sexy side of young girls for the world to see...are they not guilty also as I remember before the sixties and seventies that little girls were innocent and was not even considred to be sexually attractive to any male in those years including me....so ok...now you are embarrassed to say hey man that sounds right to me....so all you nive honest guys have a nice day....just gotta luv you although you are sorta dumb....bill FROM TX......DONT BEG TO BE GUILTY
bill from tx
 
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Reply Tue 23 Oct, 2018 11:58 am
@bill from tx,
ok…..so if the law changes to 21 to be an adult and free to be physically sexual and not underage....I cant stop laughing.....if they change it today before the sun goes down....then from that minute on every one is a pedo because they see 18 through 21 as great to have sex with....damned pedo.s huh....sick sic
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