Regret of not having been "sexually abused"/ Am I insane ?

Hello.

I'm a fifteen-year-old girl (this can seem a bit surprising x) ). English is not my native language, therefore I beg your pardon if I had made mistakes (my post could be a bit long, therefore I hope I will not bother you too much ^^)

I don't think child molestors are bad people. I mean I don't think "sexual abuse" should be considered as a crime, nor as an offence or whatsoever. (I must add that I have never experienced a sexual relation with an adult - even when I was younger)

When I was a child I shared the view that the majority of people have about peadophilia, but mainly for I didn't know better. The fact is even back then I somehow felt like people were preying too much upon pedophiles. I couldn't figure out how something could be that bad .Abducters though still frightened me. Yet even then (and I may sound insensitive) I didn't think kidnapped children deserved so much of people's attention. I someway thought without truthfully knowing it that children could be more harmed by non-sexually assaults (or words).

By the time I was 11 I read an article of a blog which was not for once denigrating peadophiles. It was basically saying that children were more "harmed" by the parents' actions and words following the discovery of the sexual act than by the act itself. I read for the first time that peadophilia could actually not be harmful. I was first schocked, and I told myself that the writer of the article "was just a peadophile himself" and that I shouldn't think more about it.

Afterwards yet I kept feeling strange. I realised that I didn't actually think much of the writer but of his words. It occured to me that he liked children and that he didn't really want to harm them - and I felt wrong with this fact. It seemed like my parents lied to me about all that.

I started reading all the abuse cases I could find on the internet. There was always something that I felt was wrong. The majority of cases involved mild touches ; the victims would not speak up, the abuse would have to be discovered by a third to stop, the victims would not run away from their abuser... All the more so as the victims would never give his/her feelings. I honestly thought it was only make-up stories for it seemed too odd to me to not tell a hurtful act and that it had to be somebody else to report it (I was still believing that molestation necessarily implied physical pain). I eventually gave up those readings.

Some time later, at almost 12, I began to exclusively fantasise about child molestation. I must add that I had been having sexual thoughts way before my previous readings. Those fantasms were already about rape, but they were involving two adults - I had been fantasised about male-rape (I read that it's a normal thing).
Suddenly though I started to bring a child instead of the original young adult male who was being raped.
I didn't think much of that, really. I didn't even remember my readings anymore. In my fantasms the child was somewhat consenting and I didn't think it was wrong.


By 13 I started to look upon sexual abuse forums to provide for my fantasms (please be kind, I know it seems really wrong, but I was young and, I know, a bit insensitive). I eventually found out that children could feel sexual pleasure and that they could even orgasm during molestation. They could even ask for it.

(I confess that my reaction to this discovery is a bit strange)

By the first times I felt glad. I could finally explain these mysteries : "Children don't tell their abuse because they actually enjoy it." (that was my thinking). This fact was new to me, so I decided to make some searches about it.

I read that it was only physical responses to simuli and that pleasure didn't actually mean anything. It was also written that children can ask ofr it because they don't know it's wrong.
That statement intially annoyed me for I thought that there could be nothing wrong if there were not harm nor obligation. I believed nothing could be bad if there's enjoyment, and that there is only wrongness when you want to see it.

By that time I began to feel jealous of sexually abused children. I was reading a lot of molestation stories and I was asking myself why none of this had have never happened to me. Even now I am sure that I would have liked it.

Now I have been stopping reading molestation stories (but I still fantasise on these). The fact is not for I have eventually figured it is not good for the victims, but for I could feel extremely jealous (I must add that I can feely jealous of both the peadophile and the child). (Please I know it does sound sensitive and inappropriate, but that's just the way it is)

Am I insane to feel this way ?