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Regret of not having been "sexually abused"/ Am I insane ?

 
 
Tue 15 Sep, 2015 10:43 am
Hello.

I'm a fifteen-year-old girl (this can seem a bit surprising x) ). English is not my native language, therefore I beg your pardon if I had made mistakes (my post could be a bit long, therefore I hope I will not bother you too much ^^)

I don't think child molestors are bad people. I mean I don't think "sexual abuse" should be considered as a crime, nor as an offence or whatsoever. (I must add that I have never experienced a sexual relation with an adult - even when I was younger)

When I was a child I shared the view that the majority of people have about peadophilia, but mainly for I didn't know better. The fact is even back then I somehow felt like people were preying too much upon pedophiles. I couldn't figure out how something could be that bad .Abducters though still frightened me. Yet even then (and I may sound insensitive) I didn't think kidnapped children deserved so much of people's attention. I someway thought without truthfully knowing it that children could be more harmed by non-sexually assaults (or words).

By the time I was 11 I read an article of a blog which was not for once denigrating peadophiles. It was basically saying that children were more "harmed" by the parents' actions and words following the discovery of the sexual act than by the act itself. I read for the first time that peadophilia could actually not be harmful. I was first schocked, and I told myself that the writer of the article "was just a peadophile himself" and that I shouldn't think more about it.

Afterwards yet I kept feeling strange. I realised that I didn't actually think much of the writer but of his words. It occured to me that he liked children and that he didn't really want to harm them - and I felt wrong with this fact. It seemed like my parents lied to me about all that.

I started reading all the abuse cases I could find on the internet. There was always something that I felt was wrong. The majority of cases involved mild touches ; the victims would not speak up, the abuse would have to be discovered by a third to stop, the victims would not run away from their abuser... All the more so as the victims would never give his/her feelings. I honestly thought it was only make-up stories for it seemed too odd to me to not tell a hurtful act and that it had to be somebody else to report it (I was still believing that molestation necessarily implied physical pain). I eventually gave up those readings.

Some time later, at almost 12, I began to exclusively fantasise about child molestation. I must add that I had been having sexual thoughts way before my previous readings. Those fantasms were already about rape, but they were involving two adults - I had been fantasised about male-rape (I read that it's a normal thing).
Suddenly though I started to bring a child instead of the original young adult male who was being raped.
I didn't think much of that, really. I didn't even remember my readings anymore. In my fantasms the child was somewhat consenting and I didn't think it was wrong.


By 13 I started to look upon sexual abuse forums to provide for my fantasms (please be kind, I know it seems really wrong, but I was young and, I know, a bit insensitive). I eventually found out that children could feel sexual pleasure and that they could even orgasm during molestation. They could even ask for it.

(I confess that my reaction to this discovery is a bit strange)

By the first times I felt glad. I could finally explain these mysteries : "Children don't tell their abuse because they actually enjoy it." (that was my thinking). This fact was new to me, so I decided to make some searches about it.

I read that it was only physical responses to simuli and that pleasure didn't actually mean anything. It was also written that children can ask ofr it because they don't know it's wrong.
That statement intially annoyed me for I thought that there could be nothing wrong if there were not harm nor obligation. I believed nothing could be bad if there's enjoyment, and that there is only wrongness when you want to see it.

By that time I began to feel jealous of sexually abused children. I was reading a lot of molestation stories and I was asking myself why none of this had have never happened to me. Even now I am sure that I would have liked it.

Now I have been stopping reading molestation stories (but I still fantasise on these). The fact is not for I have eventually figured it is not good for the victims, but for I could feel extremely jealous (I must add that I can feely jealous of both the peadophile and the child). (Please I know it does sound sensitive and inappropriate, but that's just the way it is)

Am I insane to feel this way ?
 
BillRM
 
  0  
Tue 15 Sep, 2015 11:00 am
@PetiteMarquise,
Quote:
Am I insane to feel this way ?


Assuming your posting is for real all I can said is no one is responsible for their fantasies and in fact women rape fantasies are not at all uncommon from the studies I had read about.

Never before hear of pedophile rape fantasies before your posting but I would think that such fantasies would fall under the same class as other rape fantasies.

If it continue to be a source of worry perhaps you should look into seeing a counselor but no you are not insane.
PetiteMarquise
 
  0  
Tue 15 Sep, 2015 11:15 am
@BillRM,
First of all thank you for reading and answering. =)

Yes this post is real.

The fact is that I'm also jealous of the peadophiles, it's not only a rape fantasm.

But you've gotten me a bit relieved, so thank you. =)
boomerang
 
  2  
Tue 15 Sep, 2015 11:22 am
@PetiteMarquise,
Quote:
I'm also jealous of the peadophiles


So are you thinking you might want to abuse children?

You might want to listen to this: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/522/tarred-and-feathered
PetiteMarquise
 
  0  
Tue 15 Sep, 2015 11:39 am
@boomerang,
Thank your for your answer. =)

I don't think I want to have sexual acts with children... I don't actually know very well (but I do have a molestation fantasm).

Thank you for your link. That's sad you can't have your own opinion about something... I mean, that's just freedom (Furthermore I don't act on my fantasms, I have never done something to a child).

boomerang
 
  1  
Tue 15 Sep, 2015 11:44 am
@PetiteMarquise,
That's what the episode on This American Life is about -- having the feelings but not acting on them. There is a man who runs a support group to help people who feel that way.

I don't feel that way. I can't even imagine feeling that way towards kids. I understand that there are people who do feel like that and it would be good if there was more help available to them so that maybe they wouldn't hurt kids.
PetiteMarquise
 
  0  
Tue 15 Sep, 2015 12:03 pm
@boomerang,
Well may I make it clear : I hate child rape.

However I don't think sexual touches on a child are necessarily hurtful - you just have to look in the internet ; there can be good experiences.

Whatever it be I don't think I will act on my fantasms.

Thank you for your answer anyway. =)
BillRM
 
  2  
Tue 15 Sep, 2015 01:26 pm
@PetiteMarquise,
Quote:
However I don't think sexual touches on a child are necessarily hurtful - you just have to look in the internet ; there can be good experiences.


Well all three girls who mother was a friend of my mother when I was growing up and who was molested by their father had problems all their lives with relationships so I would not count of internet claims that adults/children sex is not harmful.
hawkeye10
 
  -1  
Tue 15 Sep, 2015 02:26 pm
@PetiteMarquise,
Ya that is kinda strange but so long as you dont fantasize about hurting people without their consent I would not worry about it. It is not possible to know what is going on with you without getting to know you but the most likely thing is that you dont have a good level of human contact, either not enough or not good enough quality, and for you negative contact would be better than nothing, so you desire it.

Quote:
It occured to me that he liked children and that he didn't really want to harm them - and I felt wrong with this fact. It seemed like my parents lied to me about all that.
there are sadists who want to hurt the children they have sex with, but that is rare. Mostly they are trying to get their needs met, they dont want to hurt anyone. Adults lie to kids all the time, get used to it, figure out for yourself what is true and what is not true.

Quote:
I read for the first time that peadophilia could actually not be harmful. I was first shocked,
We cant get good numbers because the people who run this society dont want us to have good numbers, but in my experience the level of trauma from Childhood Sexual Abuse and adult rape runs the gamut from none to incapacitation. Nobody knows why different people react differently though it is true that how others react (family,police friends and so on) makes a big difference, and these people can add trauma, sometimes a lot. I think that CSA tends to carry more trauma than adult rape, and I think in both cases those who have the worst time are those who are smart and those who have a habit of over thinking things.


I would recommend that at some point you try role playing, when you are with your mate act like you are a child being raped by a much older guy. This will probably get you off big time. If so you will get some of what you want, and no one will get hurt.
PetiteMarquise
 
  -1  
Tue 15 Sep, 2015 03:01 pm
@BillRM,
I'm sorry for that. Their father may have not been mild enough ; he may have forced them. Again I do not want force. Actually the most preferable case would be the child asking for it - and the adult answering.

And I maintain that you should get a better view in the internet ; you'd find a lot of accounts of good experiences - why would you assume that they're all made-up by peadophiles ?

Anyway thank you for your answer. =)
PetiteMarquise
 
  0  
Tue 15 Sep, 2015 03:21 pm
@hawkeye10,
Thank your for reading and answering. =)

Well I haven't had a lot of physical love from my parents, therefore it could come from that. Nonetheless I do think that I would have liked to have intercourse with an adult - but not with a relative ; I'd write somebody like a friend of my parents.

Oh I'm not mad with my parents anymore. That was only my feeling back then I was 11, and fortunately I've grown out of it. I know most pedophiles are not bad people.

I do think that trauma totally comes from others' reactions. If the intercourse were made mildy and with consent of both the adult and the child there would be no consequences. However if someone comes and says to the child that sexual acts between a grown-up and a underage are bad, forbidden, disgusting - or whatever - the child will obviously turn his/her experiences into something of equally bad, forbidden and disgusting. He/She will forget the pleasure, the tenderness, the love... And finally live his/her life with culpability.

That's sad. He/She could just remember it as a good memory.
PetiteMarquise
 
  0  
Tue 15 Sep, 2015 03:42 pm
(I can't edit my last post, sorry)

And I have thought about having these kind of games... Depsite all that my urges are still there.
FOUND SOUL
 
  3  
Tue 15 Sep, 2015 04:12 pm
@PetiteMarquise,
Hawkeye wrote:-

Quote:
I would recommend that at some point you try role playing, when you are with your mate act like you are a child being raped by a much older guy. This will probably get you off big time. If so you will get some of what you want, and no one will get hurt.


Quote:
And I have thought about having these kind of games... Depsite all that my urges are still there.


I'm gathering from Hawkeye's answer that he does not believe that you are only 15. Your strength of conversation, words used. Occasional spell error.

Regardless of what your age may be. The more you read about one said topic in the light in which you "want" to read it, the more you will believe it to be factual. I would broaden your horizon and delve into reading where it does affect a child, does hurt them, physically and mentally, whilst that may confuse your mind, I think it's important to get out of this trail of "it doesn't".

BillRM
 
  3  
Tue 15 Sep, 2015 04:23 pm
@PetiteMarquise,
Quote:
And I maintain that you should get a better view in the internet ; you'd find a lot of accounts of good experiences - why would you assume that they're all made-up by peadophiles ?


Why would you not assume they are likely made up by pedophiles such as members of NAMBLA [North American Man Boy Love Association]?

In any case, adults have no right to experiment on children in a sexual manner in the hope they will not be harm.

You are not responsible once more for your fantasies or desires but you are hundreds percent responsible for your actions toward children.

Next your attempts to try to sell the idea that sexual molesting of children might not be harmful have my eyebrows raised about your possible reasons for posting here in the first place.
hawkeye10
 
  2  
Tue 15 Sep, 2015 04:37 pm
@PetiteMarquise,
Quote:
I do think that trauma totally comes from others' reactions.

Obviously that is not true, we know this because there are many victims who are traumatized even though no one in their lives were ever told of the abuse.
hawkeye10
 
  0  
Tue 15 Sep, 2015 04:38 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
Quote:
I'm gathering from Hawkeye's answer that he does not believe that you are only 15

That is a strange assumption given that I advocate for a AOC of 15.
hawkeye10
 
  0  
Tue 15 Sep, 2015 04:44 pm
@BillRM,
Quote:
You are not responsible once more for your fantasies or desires but you are hundreds percent responsible for your actions toward children.

exactly

Quote:
In any case, adults have no right to experiment on children in a sexual manner in the hope they will not be harm.
However things get clouded when a teen pursues sex with an adult, and it certainly happens, though how common it is we dont know because we are not allowed to talk about it. I say that anyone 15 or older should be legally able to have the sex they want, and if they want sex with an older person fine. This idea that no 15 year old could know what they want, that they must of have been manipulated by the adult, is a fabrication. Serious people can disagree on the wisdom of allowing this freedom because there is the chance of harm, but in my analysis the benefits outweigh the risks.
BillRM
 
  2  
Tue 15 Sep, 2015 04:56 pm
@hawkeye10,
Quote:
I say that anyone 15 or older should be legally able to have the sex they want, and if they want sex with an older person fine


Hmm we do not give a fifteen years old the right to consent to a blinding contact or drink/smoke or sign up for the US military so to me sex in that age group is somewhat of a gay area with special note of when we are talking about sex with a must older adult.

Quote:
, but in my analysis the benefits outweigh the risks.


How about the risk of a 15 years old girl becoming pregnant by some 30 years old deadbeat?

Kind of a lot of harm to three generations, the girl parents who will likely need to raised the child, the girl who future is likely to be far more limited as far as such things as advance education is concern and the child itself.

Things are never simple.
FOUND SOUL
 
  2  
Wed 16 Sep, 2015 03:00 am
@hawkeye10,
Have you ever been used? Smile


Seems the OP didn't state that he/she was 15 after that comment. However, has replied to everyone after their comments.

Makes one wonder sometimes.



0 Replies
 
PetiteMarquise
 
  0  
Wed 16 Sep, 2015 04:52 am
Good morning everybody. =)

First of all thank you for your answers. I've read each one of your posts. I will answer them later for I have no time right now.

May I however add someting : I am 15 and I'm French. I don't live in America, threfore I was sleeping when you posted your answers (and you must be sleeping while I'm writing mine).

I posted here to get some help to ease my jealousy, for it has became a real pain (I can get stomacaches and nearly faint). Yet I also have to post my opnions on this subject to make you know the complete story.

And If you think that I'm older... Well, I suppose I have to be glad of my English. =p

Merci beaucoup de vos réponses ( ;D ). I will answer later. =)
 

 
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