Ya that is kinda strange but so long as you dont fantasize about hurting people without their consent I would not worry about it. It is not possible to know what is going on with you without getting to know you but the most likely thing is that you dont have a good level of human contact, either not enough or not good enough quality, and for you negative contact would be better than nothing, so you desire it.
It occured to me that he liked children and that he didn't really want to harm them - and I felt wrong with this fact. It seemed like my parents lied to me about all that.
there are sadists who want to hurt the children they have sex with, but that is rare. Mostly they are trying to get their needs met, they dont want to hurt anyone. Adults lie to kids all the time, get used to it, figure out for yourself what is true and what is not true.
I read for the first time that peadophilia could actually not be harmful. I was first shocked,
We cant get good numbers because the people who run this society dont want us to have good numbers, but in my experience the level of trauma from Childhood Sexual Abuse and adult rape runs the gamut from none to incapacitation. Nobody knows why different people react differently though it is true that how others react (family,police friends and so on) makes a big difference, and these people can add trauma, sometimes a lot. I think that CSA tends to carry more trauma than adult rape, and I think in both cases those who have the worst time are those who are smart and those who have a habit of over thinking things.
I would recommend that at some point you try role playing, when you are with your mate act like you are a child being raped by a much older guy. This will probably get you off big time. If so you will get some of what you want, and no one will get hurt.