7
   

Favorite Quotes on the blue (humor) side of things....

 
 
Reply Sat 14 Jan, 2012 09:22 am
Any particularly funny yet raunchy quotes that tickle your funny bone amongst other things but you hesitate to share on say Edgar's wonderful quote thread but you are too embarrassed to post there?

I'll go first and break the ice:


Quote:
I masturbate because I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f**k me.

Bo Burnham, stand-up comedian, Words, words, words (2010).
 
contrex
 
  2  
Reply Sat 14 Jan, 2012 09:32 am
@tsarstepan,
My wife refused to have sex with me because she said I was dull in bed; my mistress also; I went to a prostitute but she refunded my money as "It wasn't really sex"; I finally tried masturbation but my hand went to sleep. (Contrex, 2012)
0 Replies
 
izzythepush
 
  2  
Reply Sat 14 Jan, 2012 10:15 am
I'm trying to cut down on smoking and masturbation. I'm down to 20 a day, now I've just got to do something about the smoking.
BumbleBeeBoogie
 
  1  
Reply Sat 14 Jan, 2012 10:46 am
@izzythepush,
Here's a question for the ladies: Are you a philematophobe? If you're a woman who hates to be kissed, you are.

BBB
0 Replies
 
roger
 
  1  
Reply Sat 14 Jan, 2012 02:36 pm
@tsarstepan,
My favorite remains the entertainer with a light crowd that wasn't receptive to the performance. The theater was neither full nor empty. He described it as a sort of half vast audience.
panzade
 
  1  
Reply Sun 15 Jan, 2012 10:12 am
@roger,
We often ask our audience if they want a slow, fast or half-fast song.
0 Replies
 
edgarblythe
 
  2  
Reply Sun 15 Jan, 2012 12:20 pm
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."

-- Groucho Marx

0 Replies
 
eurocelticyankee
 
  3  
Reply Sun 15 Jan, 2012 01:25 pm
If you use the electric vibrator near water, you will come and go at the same time. ~Louise Sammons
roger
 
  4  
Reply Sun 15 Jan, 2012 02:39 pm
@eurocelticyankee,
I once read the instructions on a new toaster. It told me not to use it while bathing. Dang, I was going to use it to keep the water from getting cold during a long soak.

At least it had instructions - in 6 languages. My computer came with a large, multifolded sheet of pictures that basically showed you how to plug it in.
0 Replies
 
panzade
 
  5  
Reply Mon 16 Jan, 2012 04:08 pm
I don't drink water, fish **** in it-W. C. Fields
DrewDad
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 Jan, 2012 10:08 am
@panzade,
This made me think of Slappy:

http://failblog.org/2012/01/16/epic-fail-photos-lol-how-would-you-know-that/
0 Replies
 
Lustig Andrei
 
  2  
Reply Sat 21 Jan, 2012 12:48 am
Dorothy Parker was once asked by a New Yorker editor why she had missed a deadline. She answered: "Because I was too f**king busy." Pause. "And vice versa."
panzade
 
  1  
Reply Sat 21 Jan, 2012 01:52 am
@Lustig Andrei,
She be clever.
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  3  
Reply Sat 21 Jan, 2012 02:06 am
@Lustig Andrei,
She also said: "One more drink and I'll be under the host."
0 Replies
 
roger
 
  3  
Reply Sat 21 Jan, 2012 02:32 am
@Lustig Andrei,
She could also lead a horticulture, but she couldn't make her think.
0 Replies
 
panzade
 
  4  
Reply Sat 21 Jan, 2012 08:32 am
John Montagu to John Wilkes:

"Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox"

Wilkes replied:

"That depends, my lord, on whether I embrace your lordship's principles or your mistress"
tsarstepan
 
  1  
Reply Thu 26 Jan, 2012 07:01 am
@panzade,
Quote:
I’m deeply excited to co-host the WGA Awards with Zooey Deschanel. She has that rare combination in that she’s beautiful, funny, and smells good. Without writers, movies and TV would be worse than untreated syphilis, so I’m thrilled to hand these fine people awards for their great work.

Joel McHale
panzade
 
  1  
Reply Thu 26 Jan, 2012 08:06 pm
@tsarstepan,
That's a great quote. I had to look him up.
0 Replies
 
panzade
 
  3  
Reply Thu 26 Jan, 2012 08:09 pm
...Of course there's the queen of ribald(Mae West) who said "A hard man is good to find"
0 Replies
 
Ceili
 
  1  
Reply Thu 26 Jan, 2012 08:21 pm
"He/she should've been a swallow"..
Credit my friend Scotty.
 

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