Favorite Quotes on the blue (humor) side of things....

NSFW Forums: Quotes, Humor, Raunchy Humor, Blue Humor
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Any particularly funny yet raunchy quotes that tickle your funny bone amongst other things but you hesitate to share on say Edgar's wonderful quote thread but you are too embarrassed to post there?

I'll go first and break the ice:

Quote:

I masturbate because I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f**k me.

Bo Burnham, stand-up comedian, Words, words, words (2010).

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Type: Discussion • Score: 7 • Views: 11,140 • Replies: 23

@tsarstepan,

My wife refused to have sex with me because she said I was dull in bed; my mistress also; I went to a prostitute but she refunded my money as "It wasn't really sex"; I finally tried masturbation but my hand went to sleep. (Contrex, 2012)

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I'm trying to cut down on smoking and masturbation. I'm down to 20 a day, now I've just got to do something about the smoking.

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@izzythepush,

Here's a question for the ladies: Are you a philematophobe? If you're a woman who hates to be kissed, you are.

BBB

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@tsarstepan,

My favorite remains the entertainer with a light crowd that wasn't receptive to the performance. The theater was neither full nor empty. He described it as a sort of half vast audience.

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@roger,

We often ask our audience if they want a slow, fast or half-fast song.

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Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."

-- Groucho Marx

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If you use the electric vibrator near water, you will come and go at the same time. ~Louise Sammons

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@eurocelticyankee,

I once read the instructions on a new toaster. It told me not to use it while bathing. Dang, I was going to use it to keep the water from getting cold during a long soak.

At least it had instructions - in 6 languages. My computer came with a large, multifolded sheet of pictures that basically showed you how to plug it in.

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I don't drink water, fish **** in it-W. C. Fields

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@panzade,

This made me think of Slappy:

http://failblog.org/2012/01/16/epic-fail-photos-lol-how-would-you-know-that/

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Dorothy Parker was once asked by a New Yorker editor why she had missed a deadline. She answered: "Because I was too f**king busy." Pause. "And vice versa."

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@Lustig Andrei,

She be clever.

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@Lustig Andrei,

She also said: "One more drink and I'll be under the host."

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@Lustig Andrei,

She could also lead a horticulture, but she couldn't make her think.

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John Montagu to John Wilkes:

"Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox"

Wilkes replied:

"That depends, my lord, on whether I embrace your lordship's principles or your mistress"

1 Reply

@panzade,

Quote:

I’m deeply excited to co-host the WGA Awards with Zooey Deschanel. She has that rare combination in that she’s beautiful, funny, and smells good. Without writers, movies and TV would be worse than untreated syphilis, so I’m thrilled to hand these fine people awards for their great work.

Joel McHale

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@tsarstepan,

That's a great quote. I had to look him up.

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...Of course there's the queen of ribald(Mae West) who said "A hard man is good to find"

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"He/she should've been a swallow"..
Credit my friend Scotty.

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Favorite Quotes on the blue (humor) side of things....

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