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Sexually unsatisfied, damaging our relationship

 
 
Reply Thu 13 Oct, 2011 09:02 pm
My girlfriend and I recently got engaged, we've been together for 6 years. Neither of us had been sexually active before we started dating. I feel a bit uncomfortable about our sex life: since we first had sex every new thing (positions, oral etc.) that we tried was my idea - please don't misinterpret this as me forcing anything on her, it has never been at all like that. I have spent heaps of time learning about what she likes and what she might like and have had great success.

The reason that I feel uncomfortable is that if I hadn't suggested these things, would anything except missionary position sex ever happened? I feel like my needs are greater than hers, she enjoys everything that we do and I feel like I know her body so well, it is so easy for me to get her turned on and to make her orgasm. But I don't feel like this is reciprocated, she has no idea about how to pleasure me, always waits for me to initiate everything (and gets upset when I don't instead of trying to get things started herself). I also want to try anal but she refuses - I understand that she is a bit afraid of it as i'm pretty well endowed but at the same time if she won't do it with me then its never going to happen.

I have tried to talk to her about this so many times before, it is painful to go through because she gets upset, cries and says she will try harder and then I feel like I must be some kind of insensitive pervert and just suppress my sexual dissatisfaction and hope that things will improve.

5 years later and no great improvements. I don't know how to make any progress, I've tried talking about what I like so she can do better but I can't teach her how to **** a man. It makes me feel bad about myself that she is not willing to go to any real lengths to make things better after have spent so much time doing the same for her - why is it that I am not worth the effort? It's making me have second thoughts about getting married because I don't really like the idea of being sexually unsatisfied for the rest of my life and that maybe she doesn't really love me because if she did surely that would motivate her to want to make me happy. The more I tell her about what I want the less pleasure I get from what she does as I don't think sex should be about taking instructions.

Apart from the sex our relationship is great. Relationships are about sacrifice but I feel like it is only me who is making the sacrifices. If anyone has any advice or has had any similar experiences I'd really appreciate it, thanks for reading.
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Thu 13 Oct, 2011 09:09 pm
You two have very different sexual appetites.

Accept that or move on.

(The fact that she cries - or you make her cry - when this is discussed tells me that if you don't go to counseling, this will not get better, for sure)
0 Replies
 
Pemerson
 
  1  
Reply Thu 13 Oct, 2011 09:27 pm
@That-Guy,
Good idea. Move right on, out of her life. Dickheads don't make good impressions, ever, and you are a dickhead.
That-Guy
 
  0  
Reply Thu 13 Oct, 2011 09:37 pm
@Pemerson,
I really don't appreciate the attitude in these replies. If you have something constructive to say I'd love to hear it.

What do you mean by 'you are a dickhead'? I don't make her cry, she cries if she drops her lipstick - just an emotional type.
Pemerson
 
  2  
Reply Thu 13 Oct, 2011 09:47 pm
@That-Guy,
You don't appear to be interested in other character traits about this girl, the one you love?? It could be you are making her very nervous, that you are using her.
That-Guy
 
  1  
Reply Thu 13 Oct, 2011 10:01 pm
@Pemerson,
I think maybe I haven't explained myself clearly enough. I don't need to talk about other character traits because she has no other flaws. I love this girl with every fibre of my being.

The closing line on this post is that our relationship is great and I really mean it. I am very happy in every other area, I can't imagine being with anyone else and I never have and don't ever want to be, this might be why I'm feeling like this because she is the only woman I've ever been with and I would like to know if this is normal. It is just our sex life which is disappointing to me and her lack of interest in trying for me that makes it hard and makes me feel unattractive and like she doesn't really care but I also know this is not true, I just want to know what is going on. I have been quite down lately and I think that this is why.

I'm not trying to say that I'm using this as an excuse to end the relationship, I'm just at a point where I'm looking for advice from others with experience about whether I can expect any change, if there are some strategies that might be more effective.

If you are just here to insult someone that is feeling vulnerable then go ahead, I have had worse. Am I a dickhead because I try as hard as a possibly can to please her and am upset that it is not reciprocated? If you have something helpful to say to me then please go ahead
hawkeye10
 
  -1  
Reply Thu 13 Oct, 2011 10:16 pm
@That-Guy,
Things are highly unlikely to get better. The most obvious solution is the normal solution, which is to go ahead a marry her and get your sex needs met outside of the marriage.
CoastalRat
 
  3  
Reply Fri 14 Oct, 2011 06:07 am
@That-Guy,
I get exactly what you are saying. Your fiancee seems to be much like my wife. I accepted the idea early on in our marriage that I would always be the one to initiate anything new in the bedroom. Over the years, I've come to know what my wife will go for and what she won't. I've accepted this because I love her and our relationship is based on much more than just sex.

I don't think you should make this a big deal. Continue to encourage her to spread her wings, so to speak. Keep the communication open with her but don't overly bug her about it. Over time, she may well change. But in the meantime, enjoy what you have and be thankful that she at least is willing to try things that you initiate. Worked for me and I've been married for almost 30 years. (And the sex is still great. lol)

0 Replies
 
Green Witch
 
  1  
Reply Fri 14 Oct, 2011 07:06 am
Is it that when you ask for things she doesn't do them or is it you tell her what you want, she does them, and then you have to ask again next time? I'm a little confused on that point. I would not pressure her to do anything she doesn't want to do (ie: anal - very painful and makes a woman constipated), but I would think she would find something in your preferences that would be fine with her too.

0 Replies
 
firefly
 
  3  
Reply Fri 14 Oct, 2011 10:26 pm
@That-Guy,
I'm confused about why you find the relationship sexually unsatisfying. Just because she prefers that you take the initiative, or because you're the one to suggest new things, why does that make the sex unsatisfying? What do you mean by, "she has no idea about how to pleasure me"? Is she totally passive when you have sex? Are you failing to be aroused, or having difficulty maintaining an erection or achieving orgasm? In what way are you "unsatisfied"?
Quote:
I've tried talking about what I like so she can do better but I can't teach her how to **** a man

What is it you think she should know about "how to **** a man"? What is it that she's not doing for you? Do you need her to be more seductive or teasing or aggressive? Who are you comparing her to? A porn movie? A fantasy?
Quote:
The more I tell her about what I want the less pleasure I get from what she does as I don't think sex should be about taking instructions.

But sex can be partly about taking instructions. Everyone's needs are different, people are aroused and turned on by different things, and communicating these things to a partner--"instructing" them--is important. Is it that you are bothered by her lack of spontaneity? Do you need her to show she wants you?
Quote:
Relationships are about sacrifice but I feel like it is only me who is making the sacrifices.

Apart from not experiencing anal sex, which she is entitled to decline, even if she loves you, exactly what are you sacrificing? What are you giving up in the sexual relationship?
Quote:
It's making me have second thoughts about getting married because I don't really like the idea of being sexually unsatisfied for the rest of my life and that maybe she doesn't really love me because if she did surely that would motivate her to want to make me happy.

Look, I think you might be getting cold feet about the idea of marriage. Neither you nor your partner were sexually experienced before your relationship. And now you've been together for 6 years, which is longer than some people even stay married. Even though you're not married, you might be going through "the seven year itch"-- you may be considering other options, like what it would be like sexually to be with another woman, or whether to leave the relationship. Maybe some of the initial passion and excitement in your relationship has dimmed after all these years. Maybe the idea of marriage vows and "forsaking all others" is freaking you out because you've never sexually been with any others, and you're wondering what you're missing out on.

You describe a sexually responsive partner. You've said, "she enjoys everything that we do" and you say she achieves orgasm. The only thing you've mentioned she won't do is anal intercourse, and that's something many women prefer not to do because it can be painful, or for other reasons. Some women don't like to perform oral sex either. Other women are more aroused by having oral sex performed on them than they are by vaginal intercourse. Everyone is wired differently, they respond to different types of stimulation, some things turn them off, some turn them on. None of this may have anything to do with whether they love the person and it's somewhat unreasonable to demand, "If you loved me, you would...". Some people are more adventurous, or creative, or lusty than others.

Unless you can be more explicit about what you feel you're "sacrificing" in your current sexual relationship, and what needs aren't being satisfied, it's hard to tell whether you're being reasonable in what you expect in a long term sexual relationship, or how your current relationship might be realistically improved. You have a partner you say you love and with whom you want to spend the rest of your life, and your biggest complaint, that you've clearly identified ,is that she tends to be somewhat passive and depends on you to take the initiative sexually--which, all things considered, seems relatively minor, and something which shouldn't be leaving you feeling so unsatisfied or as though you are making "sacrifices". If you can be more explicit about what's missing for you, sexually, I'd find it much easier to understand your problem.

Offhand, it sounds like you and your partner might benefit from seeing a marriage counselor, preferably one who might also have training as a sex therapist. Your girlfriend may well be feeling pressured by your sexual needs and demands, and bothered by the fact that she's not living up to what you expect from her. And you feel sexually dissatisfied and as though you're sacrificing something you feel entitled to. That's not a good way to start a marriage. Those are things you could both benefit from exploring and working out. And, if you haven't been able to work these things out by yourselves in 6 years, you need some professional help. And you haven't yet said anything in this thread that makes me feel you can't work these things out--you haven't described any insurmountable problems--particularly with the help of a good therapist.














0 Replies
 
Pemerson
 
  1  
Reply Sun 16 Oct, 2011 08:27 pm
Some people come to this forum, make up tall tales that make no sense, then ask for "advice." Because, from this person's description, which is rife with contradictions, the advice would make no sense either.

If this story is actually true, the two of you definitely need to see a counselor. In this particular situation, what you describe doesn't appear to be love. You could have taken Punkey's advice and simply move on.
0 Replies
 
Ceili
 
  2  
Reply Sun 16 Oct, 2011 09:10 pm
I know a lot of women who could totally see eye to eye with this. I think some of the answers would have been different if the questioner had been female. Sexual disfunction is a big problem in many marriages, it's not something to be sneered at. There are a million reasons for sexual hang-ups. I suggest a sexual therapist. or
Have you ever watched porn with her? Seriously. Maybe some soft porn, the stuff made for the ladies... It might give her an idea or two. Good luck.
0 Replies
 
catejohansen
 
  0  
Reply Tue 18 Oct, 2011 01:43 pm
@That-Guy,
Have you actually shown her what pleasures you? She sounds like she's shy and maybe a bit reserved and could even feel inadequate. Inadequate especially knowing that she is NOT pleasing you the way you want her too because that seems to be the feedback she's been getting.
I'm not faulting you per se but it does take two. You may try more positive feedback for the things she does do well. Offer her some suggestions that would turn you on. Show her how you like to be touched. And along the way, let her know how good she makes you feel when she does do those things.
As far as initiating sex, that could start with her learning how to seduce you at the very basic levels. She may simply NOT know how to be seductive. For example, if she knows that a certain outfit, perfume, lipstick, dance, etc. arouses you because you’ve told her it does/shown her it does she may be more apt to repeat and build from there.

Women are highly emotionally/mentally sexually so you have to try to understand how she works on those levels. Knowing how to please her physically isn’t enough.

You could also play games that may help the pressure around sex. For example, play any game from poker to monopoly where the winner gets to choose the sexual favor of choice...then let her win. Wink
-Cate
0 Replies
 
livinglife27
 
  0  
Reply Sat 5 Nov, 2011 07:40 am
@That-Guy,
It's brave of you to confront the issue, but you're absolutely right about doing so. You might want to start by giving her some positivecomments - you could tell her what you like about her (sexually), and ask her if there's anything she'dlike to do to enrich/improve/expand your sex-life.

Hopefully, she'll then ask you the same question in return. Then you could start suggesting the things you want to try. It sounds like you've made a lot of effort to get to know her and give her pleasure, which is great.

Hopefully she can now make the same effort for you!
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sat 5 Nov, 2011 08:35 am
You have a girl that you say you "love every fiber" of her being, but you are bored in bed with her, or at least wish that she were more "exciting" (whatever that means) in bed. You haven't really explained it, but I know what you mean.

Only you will be able to determine how important of a thing this is going to be in the coming years.

While sex may seem very important now, in later years the companionship, like values and togetherness will become the basis of the relationship.

There's no such thing as the "perfect" person. Tradeoffs are common in marriage relationships.




0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Sat 5 Nov, 2011 10:19 am
Pemerson, you have misunderstood this poster and are coming across as judgemental and heavy-handed.

To the OP (I forget your name):

I understand where you're coming from. I spent 20 years with a man like that. It is extremely frustrating. I eventually left him, although not for that reason, but it certainly added to my frustrations with him.

I don't know what to tell you except she is what she appears to be. If she's not as interested is sex as you are, she never will be. You need someone who likes sex as much as you do, who's as interested in pleasuring you and trying out new things. It's a huge part of a relationship, as I found out and it's very important to me. My new husband tells me 99% of the women he was with were passive and traditional. Nobody ever initiated anything or touched him of their own volition. He came to believe all women were like that. But we're not. Some of us have a healthy sexual appetite and like to try various things. I think you may love her, but if you're this frustrated after 5 or 6 years, imagine 20 more.

I think you need to move on and find someone who feels as you do. Seriously. If not, you may be moving on later, when you have kids, etc.

Edit: I just want to say that it's very unfair of her to not make the efforts you need. Perhaps watch some soft porn together, as ceili suggested, to show her what you need. And I would ignore the crying if she cries at the drop of a lipstick. She needs to meet you half-way and that's that.
hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Sat 5 Nov, 2011 11:08 am
@Mame,
Quote:
You need someone who likes sex as much as you do, who's as interested in pleasuring you and trying out new things
Which can easily be accomplished with affairs, or prostitutes.
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Sat 5 Nov, 2011 11:39 am
@hawkeye10,
Yes, it can, but is that your advice?
0 Replies
 
hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Sat 5 Nov, 2011 11:46 am
@hawkeye10,
Quote:
Yes, it can, but is that your advice?


hawkeye10 wrote:

Things are highly unlikely to get better. The most obvious solution is the normal solution, which is to go ahead a marry her and get your sex needs met outside of the marriage.


I dont believe in cheating so what I would do is tell the woman that I want to marry her, but that sex is important to me and if we dont get on the same page in the future I will need her permission to go outside of the relationship for it. I dont know how many women would go for that, would not cancel the wedding under those conditions, but some would not.
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  2  
Reply Sat 5 Nov, 2011 02:52 pm
@That-Guy,
If she likes oral on her, then she's not closed minded, however, you taught her that, showed her and she's "ok" with that.

You talk about her giving to you and the frustration that she doesn't and that you can't teach her to excuse me, "make love" to you, yes you can... By not referring to it as her f'n you, perhaps she has values of herself and doesn't want to be referred to as that "tart" that just fd you, in her mind... Perhaps she views that as porn, perhaps you watch porn and want her to act in that fashion after all f'n, anal sounds to me, that your viewing and wanting her to act out your fantasies.

Anal is not for everyone and we own our bodies, respect her wishes.

As for getting on top? Maybe she is shy, or like I said, maybe you make it sound like porn.

Maybe you are making it feel like fn instead of her making love to you...

What man doesn't want a lady to walk next to be with and a tart in bed, the only way that happens is if the lady feels like a lady all the time and is loved.
0 Replies
 
 

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