1st for 2004!! Just don't QUOTE ME...

He certainly looks older than he did last year.
Mark Cox, BBC TV tennis.

Celtic manager David Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve.
John Greig (1986)

It's just like a knee injury - except it's in the head.
Ray Perkins

There is a commotion in the stands, I think it has something to do with a fat lady...I've just been informed that the fat lady is the Queen of Holland.
J. 'Dizzy' Dean US TV baseball.

"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs"

"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes."

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces"

"They've picked their heads up off the ground and they now have a lot to carry on their shoulders"

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw"

"I know where he should have put his flag up, and he'd have got plenty of help"

RON COLEMAN

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my god, what have I just said?!?"

US TV commentator.

"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."

Harry Carpenter BBC TV 1977.

"She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning

"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix

"And David is now metaphorically laughing all the way to the flag."
MURRAY WALKER, BBC2

"And for those of you who watched the last programme (Fanny and Johnny Craddock), I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's"
David Coleman at the start of Match of The Day

"I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's completely different"
Kevin Keegan

"... and he crosses the line with the ball almost mesmerically tied to his foot with a ball of string..."
IAN DARKE, Radio 5

Richard Whiteley: You don't sound very Scottish. Contestant: That's because I'm from Liverpool.
Countdown, Channel 4

RAPIST: I THOUGHT SHE WAS MY WIFE
Star

DEAD MAN INJURED IN CRASH
Irish Times

Oh my!

"We apologise for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
(Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious"
(Alan Minter)

"The Port Elizabeth ground is more of a circle than an oval. It's long and square"
(Trevor Bailey)

"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball"
(John Francombe)

"Watch the time -it gives you an indication of how fast they are running" (Ron Pickering)

"A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin" (Jo Sheldon)

"The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation"
(Ron Pickering)

"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him"
(Stuart Pearson)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"
(Terry Venables)

"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - absolutely round."
(Tony Crozier)

All hail the mighty Murray Walker!

'Oh thats the Forti, and, it looks like, err, its Roberto Moreno's car , the err Brazilian .. I was going to say the elderly Brazilian , he's only 36 but he's actually the oldest driver in the race at the present moment, though he's just retired from it!'

(talking about bumps and puddles in the circuit, which Jonathan Palmer used to test on when McLaren had Honda engines.....) ".....and there's few [drivers] that know them more and even less better than you Jonathan....."

"So Bernie [Ecclestone], in the seventeen years since you bought McLaren, which of your many achievements do you think was the most memorable ?" Bernie Answers, "Well I don't remember buying McLaren." [Bernie Ecclestone used to own the Brabham team].

Murray: There's a fiery glow coming from the back of the Ferrari James: No Murray, that's his rear safety light.

"That's 55 laps completed by both Prost and Berger and and and and and the expeeerrrienced Alain Prost is really responding."

"And the first five places are filled by five different cars."

Funny man, sorely missed by all fans of idiocy.