The Book of Questions - Approached for $$, What to do?

I'd give that stranger the dollar. As for the haggard-looking stranger, I'd take him to McDonalds and tell him/her to order any food they want, and I'll pay for it. ** Several years ago, I was at McDonalds, and the guy in front of me asked the cashier how much it would cost for an order of french fries. He counted his change, and said, he didn't have enough. I should have said, go ahead and order the fries, I'll pay for it. It's bothered me ever since that I didn't offer it.

Bum or well dressed guy, I would have given the dollar. This reminds me of a day in which I was accosted in front of a convenience store by an obvious street person. "Please: enough to buy a sandwich. Please." I smiled and said, "You aren't going to buy a sandwich." I handed him about three dollars (don't recall exactly) and left him to make his own decision about what he needed most." A gift, once relinquished, no longer belongs to the giver," is my motto.

I've had various opinions on this over time. I'm back to giving the dollar.

I used to live in a mecca for beachgoers, Venice, California. Hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions, walk those streets in the summer. Tourists galore, gang folks on summer weekends in throbbing cars, and a genuine respite for homeless from across the US since it was a liberal community generally, and relatively warm temp wise as a lot of the rest of the US got colder. Street people were all around, and if you aren't so well off yourself you can't keep forking out dollars. I got a little cold about it, there are only so many times a day you can deal with it on your own street or set of blocks, especially when you have seen interviews of large numbers there, about 80% having travelled with their last dollars to get there. Why was it all on us?

At the same time, my father was a mentally ill older man and I can easily see him on the street in despair, though that exact thing didn't happen, and I can envision myself there, also easily, and we don't know I won't be.

Mostly I have believed in supporting shelters and service centers and still do, but would like to see more services to get people help.

Now to take care of that first qualm, the why all on us?, I would like to see much more local help everywhere, so that the thousands wouldn't flock to the middle of San Francisco or the beach in LA.

And and and. Much more in treatment availability, much more in support for people who are capable of change, and much more in support when people are beyond change.

Fie on all the billions going elsewhere.

Happens a lot - the latter, anyway - doesn't it?

I often give something, a euro, or two.

But just as often I avoid their gaze when I see them coming, so they won't ask me, this time.

What can I say? I live downtown, work downtown. Someone asks me for a buck like that several times every day. You become hardened. If you'd give them all something, you'd be in trouble yourself - and sometimes, you honestly just dont wanna be bothered.

I comfort myself with the thought that I probably give more often than most others. And unlike most others, I dont automatically presume they're lying and gonna spend it all on booze or drugs.

One night, a girl asked my gf and me for money to stay in the sleep-inn - I told her that I knew the sleep-inn was already closed. But she explained that there was another place, and indeed, we went there and it was true. Paid her the eight euro (or whatever it was) for the room and learnt something new about this town. And not to judge too quickly.

Still, I'm not gonna do that for the next one, too, and then the next one. You get to look past them, much of the time. Yet, they're people. Not necessarily bad people. Just people who failed. And Lord knows that I could be among them - any time. So at least I always try to smile even when I say no - until they start following me on my way and keep asking.

It really sucks. There's so many of 'em. They didn't use to be there ten or fifteen years ago, not in these numbers. Housing corporations have become stricter in enforcing rent payments, they throw the failures out in the street more quickly. Budget cuts on psychiatric care mean that so many of the "untreatable" cases are now wandering the streets. Rejected asylum-seekers are no longer housed until there's a way to get them home, in many towns they're just put out in the street. There's no longer the ever-patient welfare net that there used to be. Basically, people who fail now really just get out on the street. What can we do, apart from vote against the people who are responsible for all of the above, and give out the occasional alms?

<frustrated>

Yeah, nodding, nimh.

nimh
I've gone through the same emotions and arguments myself. Seems they will always be there. When I can't help, which sometimes happens, I comfort myself knowing someone else eventually will.

I really think we respond differently to numbers. If there are too many out there begging for money, we have more of a tendency to ignore them. If it's one or two once in awhile, it's easier to respond with a dollar or two. It's really sad, you know. When I travel to third world countries, and get approached by beggers, and I always refuse. I even remember walking through the underground walkway to St Basil's church on Red Square when a woman with a baby begged me for money, but I refused her. I'll probably remember that incident for the rest of my life.

In both cases it would depend on whether or not the person looked me in the eye. If a panhandler looks you in the eye it usually means they're legit. If they won't look directly at me I won't give them anything.

how do you define "legit", though, fishin'?

I give if the man/woman is not drunk, otherwise they tend to scare me off. I give as often as I can to the foodbank and other charities. I have often thrown in a few cents for a person who couldn't afford something standing ahead of me in line. We don't have the number of homeless where I live, the winters prohit anyone but the hardy.

Nodding at both Osso and nimh.

I knew some kids in high school who panhandled. They had run away from home, yes, but from affluent suburban communities, because they thought living on the street was more "real." Pshaw. Having a choice in the matter automatically negates the reality of it.

Madison had a lot of these types, and I would get really mad at them. Would occasionally stop to talk to them; "Why are you here? No... no... don't bullshit me. Really, why are you here?" I was really truly poor myself at the time, really truly had hardly anything to spare, was constantly thinking about where my next dollar would come from. Had some LOUD conversations. The kind that draw a curious crowd.

Of course, I also know people who came from genuinely horrible situations, abuse, etc., where running away was not the same sort of a choice, it was a matter of survival.

And I also have a friend who did it for the experience -- not so much a fashion, the docs with long dingy skirts and lots of eyeliner, but because she wanted to know what it was like. Squatted somewhere in NYC for a while. She's a documentary maker, very interested in the perspective of the "other", of giving a microphone to those who usually don't have a voice.

Anyway... this vignette, by itself, I'd give the dollar to either one. But yes, it makes a big difference if there are a lot of people asking.

I see that we are all a bunch of soft touches on this thread. (Except Fishin' maybe. ) Good. So am I. The person's appearance would make no difference to me. If I have a dollar or some change to spare, I'll part with it. CI has a good point about the frequency of distribution, though. The occasional panhandler is ok, but when you're stopped on every street corner every day (as I was on my visit to San Francisco last week), you develop a feeling of 'I already gave,' even though, of course, you didn't give to that particular party.

My own personal favorite experience with a panhandler happened in New York a couple of years ago. I was walking past the Museum of Modern Art (back when it was still in Manhattan, before the big renovation closed it doen for the forseeable future) and a young black man, healthy and sober looking, sidled up to me and said, "Sir, would you consider donating to the United Negro Pizza fund?"

"Huh?" I said, or words to that effect.

"Yes, really, I'm starving for a slice of pizza," he said, smiling. I cracked up and gave him two or three dollars, whatever singles I had on me at the moment. For all I know, the money went toward crack instead of pizza but, as edgarblythe says, once it's out of my hands, it's no longer mine and it's none of my business how it's spent.

I've had down-and-outers ask me for change "so I can get something to eat." If I can spare it, I'll give the man a dollar and say, "Get yourself a beer. You look like you need it."

Once I got the response, "You look like you've been there yourself." I have and I told him so.

Not to the well-dressed guy. This is the same guy who pushed me on the train, splashed me with a puddle in his BMW and won't give me a raise. I have contempt for suits. I also consider that he isn't far from where he came from - either his home, office, restaurant, or store - when he went looking for his wallet. Let him go back and look for it and make a phone call. pppbbttthhh. (OK, so tomorrow's Monday and I'm already not looking forward to it. Damn offices..)

As for Mr. Dirty Shiny, I have the regulars at the train and downtown. They're more pleasant to me than anyone else I meet in those places. Sometimes they'll tell a joke, make a compliment, sincerely wish me a nice day. That's worth a dollar. Not to mention, the relatives and friends I've given money to don't always use it for a purpose that I 'approve' of, but they ask for it anyway to 'pay rent' or whatever. Sometimes I give it, sometimes I don't.

Maybe instead of the guy in the suit they should compare it to a favorite uncle, who drinks too much and bets on the horses. Then it's apples and apples.

And fishin does great impersonations. Sometimes I give him $2!

A few other experiences:

In Rome on the metro - a kid of about ten came through the car. Stood about a third the way through and sang a song.
Started holding out his hand for money. I'm from Venice, I've given, kept my hands out of my pocket. Most of the other people, italians, in that car gave. I felt ashamed.

Zingari in Rome (gypsies). Long stories, I have been clustered by gypsies (yes, mother and two children, baby thrust in my face, son going for pocket, mother with other hand getting into my purse... all when I was trying to find a bathroom, that was on the first trip). Watching gypsies at the metro flutter up in their filmy clothes as well dressed businessmen squeezed onto the morning metro - as the overcoated ones sardined themselves into the car the gypsies came up behind and went for the pockets. In that case we watched, a kind of theater.

When we were trying to cross a major intersection, at Porta San Paolo I think it was, down by the Protestant Cemetary, a woman was lying in the road with her hand out along the cobblestones. By the time we timorously got across the intersection, a long time it took us, she had moved to the other side of the road, lain down, put her hand out....

I've read more about the gypsies since and have sympathy for them, at least sometimes.

In where was it, maybe Vigevano, I stopped to listen to a Roma man play a violin, rather beautifully to me. I gave him a bunch of lire, let's say $5. worth. We talked a little. He asked me in italian where I was from. I speak italian very badly. I said California. His eyes lit up. He told me he wanted to be from California. He was from Romania. I said Oh, from Romania! He said he wanted to be from California. I said but you are from Romania. He said he wanted to be from California; I said but you are from Romania... well, we ended up laughing and and I saw him in a few other places in town playing and we waved. I figured later that I was mixing up from and to, as in da California, which I think of as 'from'. I hope he didn't think I was telling him to go back to Romania. Anyway, he played lovely songs.

This always gets me. I am never comfortable with myself whether I'm giving or not giving. One morning at a walmart parking lot a guy asked me for some change to ridge the bus or something, and he was that haggard looking guy. At first, I didn't want to be bothered - didn't want to have anything to do with it. I said no and walked way. 10 paces later I'm turning around and calling the guy and digging frantically around in my pockets for the change that I know equals at least 2 bus rides. He said something about his car. I was so pricked in my spirit that I didn't give the money the first time that I would have thought about that guy all day long and into the night no doubt.

There are also times when I say no or avoid eye contact (I work downtown) so I won't get it this time. I feel like a real heel when I do that, because I always wonder how I would feel if I were in the same situation. Then I think that if I were in that situation, I can't see myself not doing anything but living the 'street life' as Randy Crawford says... I'd have to go somewhere, do day labor or something...

In either case, whether I give or not...i always feel bad.

By "legit" here I mean someone that truely is in need of a buck or two. I don't care how they use any money I may give them but I frown on "professional panhandlers".

Years ago, a friend of mine was riding the subway late one night, on her way to work at the hospital. A bummy looking guy began to harrass her, saying nasty things to her and she felt tremendously threatened, afraid that he'd follow her off of the train. Also on the train was a very well-dressed, clean-cut man. Pulling into her stop, she noticed that the well-dressed guy had stood up and was making his way to the door. She hung close to him, getting off of the train right behind him and followed him up the stairs and onto the empty street. Suddenly, he turned around, grabbed her, demanded her purse and then shoved a hand into her crotch before running away.
Just a note on the clothing issue.

I'd like to add to the addage, "once given, it's no longer ours." I've been the recepient of many kindness throughout most of my adult life. Nobody ever said, "give it back." I know I'm not the sharpest pencil in the box, but people have given me the opportunities to max out on any potential I may have to succeed. Since we come from very modest backgrounds, I'm still amazed at how much my siblings and our children have all accomplished. Even as the 'black sheep' of the family, my childhood may have been the unhappiest, but I truly believe my adulthood has been one of the most satisfying and happy. I'm not a religious person, although all my siblings and their children are christians, but I know I have been blessed with a good wife and children. I would never have dreamt that during my lifetime, I would be able to travel around the world. I think that's the reason it may seem to others that I am generous, but in reality it's only giving back what I have received. Even on our last trans-Canada train tour, we met a couple from Reno who offered to let us use their condo at Lake Tahoe. I'm sure they didn't make the same offer to the other 11 couples in our group. See what I mean?

Good points, c.i. It is a way of giving something back, yes. But sometimes I also feel it is almost like an investment. I sometimes think, looking at the down-and-outer, "That, but for the grace of God, could be I." If the roles were reversed, I hope he would be kind to me, so I try to be kind to him.