Domestic abuse problem

Well, it seems good that they are citizens. Now they need to be free of him, hard to do with few resources. Someone else on a2k may have some real ideas to help.

My testosterone has me wishing to go over there and pound him into a little bloody puddle, but I know better.

I think you've taken all the right steps, and all that can be done in the holiday season. Obviously, deportation and citizens do not belong on the same page. If he's that dumb, maybe he also doesn't understand that, as a parent, his obligation may to the child may well extend through college, rather than ending at age 18.

Unfortunately he has both her and her mother (Who is supporting them both, he quit working when he got them over here) cowed.

If she's been abused then she probably shouldn't return to the house anyway.
This guy doesn't sound like a nice dude. I think you've done every thing you should/could.

Yes, I think, too, you've done all what can be done, Bob.

It really is unfortunately much depending on your friend's (and her mother's) adherance to their/her statements.
(I know what I'm speaking of due to similar in my wife's family [it even was worse, much worse].)

I assume that she lives in Denver. Here is a listing of Denver domestic abuse hotlines:

http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/states/codv.shtml

You are wise to try to get her emotional help. She is 18 years old, no longer a minor, and needs to get away from that toxic environment. A professional will help her to gain enough confidence that she will be able to leave.

You are doing the right thing by guiding her. Good Luck!

You've done a good thing.

Now, like Phoenix says, the gal (and her mother) need to get away from "Dad". Staying in that environment is toxic all around. Even without physical abuse (which ain't the case, of course), there is emotional abuse going on. The fact that the 2 women (citizens!) can be terrified by the idea of deportation shows this. Anyone with a shred of self-esteem would laugh at the guy - by definition, citizens can't be deported. So they're scared, and they're not thinking straight. Best to get them out of that situation.

And, there may be reasons why the family doesn't want to or isn't sure about living with you. It might add a different dimension to things. In any event, the best thing is to make it as easy as possible for them to leave. Offer to help carry bags. Offer to drive. Offer to help open a new, separate bank account. Offer to help find an apartment. Yes, a shelter is good, but that's a temporary fix. Since the mother is working (good!), an apartment is a definite option. You can also offer to help her explain to the bank or mortgage company about the change in living situation, because if they move, there might be a house or apartment that the mother is obligated to help pay for. It won't do much good if they start off on a new life with a lousy credit rating.

So it's a matter of getting organized. They need a place. They need separate funds. They need stuff for the place. They need to feel that this is a good option. They need to know that they can do this, and that they won't be sent anywhere.

And you can't do this alone. Counseling is important, not only because of the therapeutic value but also because a professional can help with these things without (consciously or unconsciously) inserting an emotional element into things.

So get them to a counselor, and to a shelter, which can be your place or a regular public shelter. And know that you have a good heart for doing so.

Couldn't you do this without getting caught???

hobitbob : my advice is to offer all the help you can BUT DO NOT TAKE THEM INTO YOUR HOUSE ! a lawyer can twist something that is really a charitable act into something sinister (i apologize to any lawyer on able2know - but after all a lawyer has to do everything to give his client a legal advantage, that is what a lawyer is paid for ). it might be best if for the time being you have a third party present when you meet with the daughter/mother, counselor would probably be best. i believe under canadian immigration law citizenship can be revoked if it can be proven that citizenship was obtained under false pretenses. if you can find a immigration lawyer who would be willing to become an intervener, it would probably be of help. i understand that these cases can become really nasty, so you all must be EXTREMELY careful and make sure you take the proper legal steps - you might want to document the case on a daily basis, keep copies of any letters, telephone log etc. keep us up-to-date as this progresses, perhaps someone who has actual experience can advise further. good luck ! hbg.

Oh. Well, if you wanted reasonable advice, that's probably the best.

In Seattle there was an infamous murder case where the husband of one a Russian mail-order bride made up a plan with one of his friends to kill her.

Mail-order bride's dream of a better life ends in death

It seems to me that men likely to need a mail-order bride may be socially inept, at best and at worst, sociopaths who believe they are empowered to do whatever they want with their wives.

On the mother's possible obligation to pay on the present housing, couldn't she file for separation and then post one of those not responsible for any debts but my own notices? Or is that just part of divorce? I agree, now that I see the idea, with hamburger's thought that she should see an immigration attorney (wondering if there are any low fee ones...).

thanks guys. Spent the moring with Anastasia before she went to work. She has an appointment with an attorney on Monday afternoon. Still worried.

This is clearly not a sham marriage, and I doubt she will have any citizenship problems under US law.

I think you're right on that, Roger.

If this is genuine then all she needsa to do is call the police and tell them they are afraid of him. Such is the anti-male hysteria in the DV industry that (regardless of any evidence or truth to the claim) the man will be immediately thrown out of the house and likely arrested and a restraining order issued prohibiting him from going anywhere near the house or the women. The are billions of dollars thrown at shelters that that provide services for the 50% of DV victims who are female ($0 for the other half), so as a woman you are never far from a shelter. One word of warning though is that statistically the issuance of a restraining order considerably increases the likelihood of violence.

You have done all of the right things. You should not stop, however. The fact you are going with her to see a lawyer is very good news.

I have a close friend who was in a similar situation (except she was not even a citizen at the time although her husband was).

The law is very favorable to women in this situation. My friend faced no risk of deportation once she started the process since the law is sensitive to the use of deportation as blackmail for women in this situation (this may vary state by state). She has since become a citizen.

Now she has a restraining order against the bastard and he pays child support. He is only allowed supervised parental visits with their child.

You friend needs to face the very difficult task of overcoming fear and facing this very difficult situation. Hang in there, the support you are offering her is crucial.

The lawyer will know what to do. If there was sexual abuse I hope that they can bring criminal charges.

But hang in there. We wish your friend the best. But there is hope and many women make it through this and have a good life.