Encouraging but not pressuring a high achiever

@sozobe,

That is so sweet. It must be fun watching her. I love when kids play their heart out, it is a beautiful thing to watch.

She handles the winning well - I'm sure she will learn to handle the losing well too. She just needs the experience.

1 Reply

@Linkat,

I hope so!

Dramatic girl has always been dramatic.

Heh, just remembered this and looked it up, a "Sozlet Story" from when she was about three and a half:

Quote:

August 25th, 2004

Drama queen! Absolute drama queen!

She has nattered on about weddings forever, and so when I saw a complete bride outfit at the local resale shop in her size (dress, veil, corsage) I got it for her. She put it on and was just soooo happy. I said "you're the most beautiful bride ever" and she smiled beatifically and said, "I know."

So the bride stuff went on for a while, then she got too hungry and asked to do something (I forget what) and I was busy making dinner and said no and she slumped to the floor with just the most pitiful expression, still decked out in the bride costume (the veil is part of this 80's-ish white feather marabou headband with silver threads in it, with little white bows and dangling ribbons at each temple, so imagine all that marabou and ribbon surrounding an absolutely pitiful little face) and said, "I'm just the saddest little girl in the whole wide world..."

Argh. "I'm hungry" won't do?

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@engineer,

engineer wrote:

Niether does fine dining, after all it comes out as **** in 24-48 hours anyway.

SHAME on u, Engineer. What terrible language, uncharacteristic of u!
U r usually a gentleman. Y do u choose to misconduct yourself thusly?
Am I NOT allowed to ask a question
on the subject at hand?????

engineer wrote:

Are you saying those passionate about fine dining
should just get some fast calories at McD's?

I don 't know anyone who is "PASSIONATE" about it.
We don 't see much "passion" at our dinner meetings.
Thay r imbued with tranquility and replete with harmony.
We simply relax and enjoy the flavorful food n drink
in a resplendent ambiance of warm beauty with good table service,
in the company of gentle and esteemed friends.

engineer wrote:

The passion is the enjoyment.

Is that circular reasoning, Engineer ?

engineer wrote:

Politics may have gigantic results,

I can remember some political turbulence in Europe of the last century; rather troublesome.

engineer wrote:

but our input doesn't.

Does the Egyptian turmoil come to mind ?

engineer wrote:

In your world, why bother getting passionate about anything?

Because SOME things (not including athletic competition) can have significant results
like fighting against gun control. That 's passionate.

That 's the difference, irate person.

David

1 Reply

@sozobe,

It's funny this thread should pop up at this time. By the weirdest circumstances, I ended up as the defacto coach of my son's team (8-10 year olds) after the first practice. It's really been satisfying watching the boys develop through the season.

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@sozobe,

After re-reading... it seems possible to me that maybe the coach has been a little remiss in developing the skills of the other kids. Two great players allow the other kids to skate.... Maybe? Dunno for sure. I wasn't there.

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@OmSigDAVID,

Invalidating much?

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Where was the coach when all this was going on? I am surprised that you were able to connect with her so much during the game!

Your daughter sounds like she's already hyper-competitive. I don't know if you can "talk" her down or help her to see it's "just" a game. Those kind of personalities are just like that.

When my husband was in high school, he would talk in his sleep all the time - going over football plays - and when baseketball season came, he would thrash in all over his bed at night. Too much self imposed stress . . . perfectionism, first born pressures, etc etc. That was just his temperment. So when he played "badly" in golf, I would say, "Leave that crappy attitude at the door. Don't bring that into my house."

Tell your daughter that to play better, she needs to relax. But if she can't and makes herself sick, then she will not be able to play.

Talk to her coach about it, too - but I hope it's not the coach that is putting this kind of pressure on her.

1 Reply

If sozlet is anything like I was (and I hope for your sake that she isn't), slip sliding though schoolwork is not only a breeze but is a bit unengaging (read that as dull). When something challenges her, like physical sports (for me it was street games rather than organized sports), watch out. She has to put in effort. She cares about winning. She tries; she practices. She's engaged. I don't know how you can get her to ease off.

You sound like a rational, reasonable mother. You can try talking. You already have. I don't know if it will work. In my case, I had to see for myself.

Good luck with this, kid. Like I said above, if she's anything like me, you'll need it.

1 Reply

@DrewDad,

DrewDad wrote:

Invalidating much?

Yeah, I was invalidating the engineer 's rude & hostile remarks against me.

1 Reply

@DrewDad,

I think it's more a size/ age thing than anything else. Third and fourth graders play together in this league. Sozlet, as a third-grader last year, was pretty pitiful. She and the other really good player are the two fourth-graders on the team, and they both tower over most of the third-graders (they're both tall for their age anyway) as well as being much stronger and more skilled.

There are more third-graders than fourth-graders in this league, and I think in the draft they tried to balance things out as well as they could with age, size, and skills. Most other teams have more fourth graders, who are smaller and/ or less-skilled (except for one other fourth-grader who sozlet's team played against yesterday, she's streaky and yesterday she was on FIRE. Got every bounce. It was her team's first win).

With two tall, strong and skilled fourth-graders, I think the team got some of the weaker and smaller third-graders to round things out and make the teams even. One of the third-graders is a dynamo though, she'll be great next year I think. Just tiny.

Anyway, I'm actually really happy with the coaching. They're a big part of the reason she's doing so well. She's very coachable with the right kind of coach. She had a yelly, non-teachy one last year. This years' coaches are calm, positive, and very good at instruction.

At least one of the third graders is good in practice but completely wilts in games. That's just her personality. (Sozlet says "she's skilled but she's just a bit too dainty.")

Sozlet isn't really hyper-competitive in general -- she's competitive but isn't a sore loser. It's more when she feels like she specifically should have done something that she didn't do -- she's very hard on herself. If the loss is out of her hands she's not happy about it but also not that upset.

The tears in both cases were definitely linked to physical discomfort -- the nose bashing and the severe nausea (she was really close to barfing).

1 Reply

@Roberta,

Heh!

I can only hope she's like you. Smile

One thing I'm VERY happy about is that no matter how upset she might be with losing, she's invariably gracious to the winner, and seems genuinely happy for people who do well, even if it's at her expense.

1 Reply

@OmSigDAVID,

How exactly did he do that? Say the word **** relative to how things work themselves out after dining, no matter how fine or by whom it is done? Anyone who says the word '****' is hostile to you? It is the common word of our common excretory processes after our common physiology of digesting food.

Ok, I won't add further to this digression.

1 Reply

@sozobe,

He got drafted to a junior team for tryouts and in the first week he got cut below the lip with a skate so they sent him home. Two weeks later they recalled him but he was working at Whistler and having a blast. He was too small in those days for the NHL - 5'7" and 155 lbs but today he'd be fine.

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

ossobuco wrote:

How exactly did he do that? Say the word **** relative to how things work themselves out after dining, no matter how fine or by whom it is done? Anyone who says the word '****' is hostile to you? It is the common word of our common excretory processes after our common physiology of digesting food.
Ok, I won't add further to this digression.

Yes; its very rude and it befouls
a civil conversation, without provocation.

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I can see the value of SOME sports,
e.g., fishing, hunting, fencing, gunnery,
swimming, archery, S.C.U.B.A. diving: something PRODUCTIVE,
but I have my doubts about throwing balls around.

Then again, in Las Vegas, thay have the ball game
of Roulette, which can be fun, and sometimes productive.

David

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@Mame,

Wow, good for him. Too bad about the cut but impressive that he did so well, and glad that he had choices and went with what he wanted to do.

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@sozobe,

sozobe wrote:

Heh!

I can only hope she's like you.

One thing I'm VERY happy about is that no matter how upset she might be with losing, she's invariably gracious to the winner, and seems genuinely happy for people who do well, even if it's at her expense.

You want a whiney, kvetchy kid whose nuts? So be it.

I'm glad that she's not a sore loser. I had to learn that. Wasn't happy at all for people who did well. I am now, but it took a while. Come to think of it, I didn't lose very often in street games--unless I was playing boy games, which was against my parents' very strong advice. Had to give it a try. Nothing broken.

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All kids are sore losers to begin with.
My daughter wasn't so much competitive in sports, sometimes she didn't
even know if they lost or won in soccer - we (parents) deliberately downplayed the importance of winning. Just being there and being part of the team is exciting and learning to be a team player is necessary.

My daughter got extremely upset when she lost in other games - mostly
board games and she had to learn how to lose. At the beginning, everyone
let her win (when playing with adults), but I noticed that she started
to get very upset when she played with her peers. Then we started playing
"for real" and she lost quite a bit and had to learn that defeat is just as
much part of it as winning is.

Regardless if it's in sport or any other game, learning how to graciously
lose is just as important as winning.

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@sozobe,

sozobe wrote:

How did your parents react to the horse show tragedy? I think it's probably good that you categorize it now as overreacting... did they help you figure that out? If so, how? Or did you just kinda process it yourself?

I can't recall, and they may not have even known about it (it happened at a Summer camp).

It was also over 35 years ago, so I may have some facts confused.

But I do remember feeling that I deserved to be wonderful, even though I really hadn't done much to deserve it at all.

Like DrewDad, a lot of things came easily to me. It wasn't until High School Chemistry and Math when I started to really have problems with some stuff and actually had to learn how to study, take notes and be disciplined.

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@PUNKEY,

PUNKEY wrote:

Where was the coach when all this was going on? I am surprised that you were able to connect with her so much during the game!

I forgot to reply to this part.... I was sitting a few rows behind her team's "bench," which is the first row of the bleachers. I didn't have much to do with anything until she started sending me stricken looks from the court and signing that she was nauseous. I didn't react much, because if she's borderline, concern only seems to make things worse. I started telling her to drink and to take things down a notch at around this time. (We were signing.) She had been playing so much that she hadn't had her usual water breaks, which was a big part of the problem. (Definitely thought of you at this point, Linkat!)

A bit after this she looked bad enough that her coaches took her out. She sat down and they talked to her -- she still wasn't drinking. I tried to stay out of it and send thought rays boring into the back of her skull. Still no drinking. I eventually scooched down and nudged her -- um, drink!! When she turned around she looked positively green (where she wasn't bright red) and had a more desperate look in her eye than she had before, which I recognized. I asked the coaches if I could take her outside for just a bit, they said sure.

Anyway, she just had a great practice and is all peppy and excited for next game, as of right now. I've talked to her about doing what she can but not pushing herself too hard. She seems to have learned her lesson. We'll see.

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Encouraging but not pressuring a high achiever

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