Mind voting on this lyrics? :)

Reply Fri 30 Jul, 2010 11:02 am
The start of a rap. I wanna know if it's good, and if i should continue it Smile

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Reply Fri 30 Jul, 2010 12:53 pm
Here's the lyrics! (BUMMER!!)

Yo people, we're living in a sick world, everything is mixing up, getting twirled.
Sometimes life can be very confusing, but you're the only person choosing, how you wanna live your own life, whether you wanna be lonely, or get a wife.
For almost fifteen years, i've been trying to be, what others wants me to be.
That **** is done now, cuz i won't allow, anybody to make me bow.
yoyo, in the dust, it's not a must, you don't necessarily need people you can trust.
Keeping secrets to myself, telling them to others, what would that help?

I'm thinking of going for a kinda Slim Shady kinda funky beat, without being too eminem styled..

What do u think? Smile
Reply Tue 1 Mar, 2011 11:27 pm
The first thing that pops out at me is the use of "yo." The way you use it looks childish and unprofessional, like you're failing at acting like you're from the hood.

The next thing is that although I understand what you're going for stylistically, some of your lines don't make sense. The wife part in the second line is awkward - there's no elaboration on it, and reading it over it just seems as though it's there to make a good rhyme. Same thing with the bow and dust/must sections. Eminem is very good at rhyming within lines as well as at the end of them, but he doesn't do that every single line. The rap still needs to make sense, and there are chunks of yours that leave the reader/listener confused.

I think you're onto something with this rap, but you can take it a lot deeper. What is it about society that forces you to conform to its standards? What have you been hiding - are you gay and you're in a homophobic neighborhood, are you a Roman Catholic who doesn't believe divorce is okay, have you been keeping a mistress? The whole thing seems vague, but with some work you can provide more clarity.
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