Tony in Abbottland: a one act play
TIM DUNLOP
Source
Office Parliament House. Night. A TV on the wall in the background is tuned to The Biggest Loser. Tony Abbott is doing push-ups in his Speedos. A staffer enters. Abbott jumps up.
Abbott: Where've you been? I need you to bring my bike around.
Staffer: Chris just gave me a sneak peak of next week's Newspoll.
Abbott: And?
Staffer: 55 to 45 two-party preferred. And you're six points ahead on preferred prime minister.
They high-five each other.
Abbott: So you can call every economist in the country an idiot and still be considered a serious contender for the highest political office in the land? Who says this isn't the lucky country?
Staffer: You can if every media outlet in the country runs dead on it.
Abbott: There was the Coorey piece.
Staffer: Token. News Ltd didn't want to know about it, that's the main thing. Still too busy running editorials about the Greens destroying life as we know it.
They both laugh.
Abbott: Still, journos would probably be all over me if I said every climate scientist in the world was wrong... oh, wait...
They both laugh again. Louder.
Abbott: Or what if they had footage of me saying a carbon tax was the best way to go. Geez, I'd be in trouble then!
Yet more loud laughter.
Staffer: Want another bet?
Abbott: Always up for a challenge. Twenty bucks. What do I have to get away with?
Staffer: Let’s see (thinks) Got it! See if you can say: 'The mining industry is struggling for its survival' at your next press conference.
Abbott: Fair go. Next you'll be wanting me to say that George Clooney is struggling to get a date.
Staffer: Let's make it a hundred bucks then.
Abbott: So what's the deal? I have to say the mining industry is struggling for its survival, keep a straight face, and get no sort of press backlash from it?
Staffer: That's it.
Mr Abbott takes out his wallet, removes two $50 notes and lays them on the desk.
Abbott: OK. But it doesn't count as a backlash if Tingle mentions it or if Peter Martin tweets it.
Staffer: Well, obviously...
The staffer adds his hundred dollars to Mr Abbott's and they shake hands, both still laughing.
Staffer (getting his breath back; suddenly reflective): Don't you ever wonder how long it can go on? I mean, someone's got to call your bluff sometime...
Abbott picks up a can of Lynx Voodoo deodorant from his desk and sprays under his arms.
Abbott: What you have to understand is that the people that matter in this country, the ones that really matter, they've already made up their minds. And as far as they're concerned, Gillard has to go, and there's just about nothing I can do that is going to make any of them turn on me. And as long as they take me seriously, everyone else has to.
Staffer: Still, gotta say, boss, I thought you were gone for all money back when you told Kerry O'Brien that people shouldn't believe what you say. I mean...
Abbott: Yeah, me too. Thought I'd blown it. Then the next day I saw the stories with people saying that I was just being honest by admitting that I tell lies and I knew I was safe. That was the turning point. From then I knew I could say whatever I liked. (Suddenly distracted by the TV). Check it out! It's the weigh in!
They watch as contestants on The Biggest Loser are weighed. Abbott starts doing star jumps.
Staffer (almost to himself): How do people let themselves get like that?
Abbott (stops jumping): You mean how do people become so lacking in self-respect and impulse control that they turn themselves into caricatures of normal human beings and then let themselves be exploited by the media for cheap entertainment?
Staffer: That's exactly what I mean.
Abbott: Beats me. (Sits down at his desk and flicks through some papers.) Now look, this photo op, the one at the childcare centre near the beach in Nowra. Should we do it on the sand with me in my Speedos?
Staffer: Nah, suit and tie. Speedos aren't testing well anymore. But you could go for a swim afterwards. And you can get a few digs in about the PM not having kids.
Abbott: I know the drill. Family values... empathy... And, as luck would have it, it's my wedding anniversary the day afterwards.
Staffer: Perfect. But keep it subtle. The chick vote is still a bit soft.
Abbott: Got it.
Staffer (shuffles through papers he is carrying and holds up a clipped newspaper article): I wanted to show you this too. Bit disturbing. Seems the NBN is working...
Abbott: Bugger. I was afraid that might happen...
Staffer (reading from a newspaper article): The headline is bad enough: 'NBN already drawing businesses to Kiama', and then it says, 'The promise of faster internet through the National Broadband Network has already attracted home-based businesses to Kiama, weeks before the network is switched on.'
Abbott: ****. Ring the editor, see if we can get a follow-up piece in. Tell 'em it's for balance.
Staffer: Got it. (Makes a note.) But there's going to be more pieces like this.
Abbott: Then we just find some contractor who did something wrong installing a cable somewhere and then we say 'debacle' a lot. Alan and Andrew will take care of the rest.
Staffer: School building program all over again...
Abbott: Never gets old. (Opens a desk drawer and extracts a hand weight; begins doing arm-curls on the desktop) Anything else?
Staffer (sorting through his papers): Nothing important. Joe and some backbenchers have put together some policy proposals... (holds up a sheath)
Abbott: Great. File 'em with Malcolm's latest. (Staffer throws them in a bin beside the desk). Anything else?
Staffer: Just... some of the troops are getting worried the media is beginning to pick up on the fact that you're ducking questions. Got a lot of chatter about how bad Hendo looked on Insiders defending you.
Abbott: Good old Gerry. I reckon if I came out in favour of polygamy, he'd be on Insiders the next week insisting it just shows my commitment to women...
Staffer sniggers.
Staffer: Still. There's some... disquiet.
Abbott: Disquiet?
Staffer: Like we were saying before, people are just wondering how long you can keep getting a free run in the press.
Abbott (stops his arm curls. Stands up): Look, how many times do I have to say this? While the media is running around distracting everyone with stories about keeping the Greens accountable, we are 18 months away from slipping into office with precisely zero costed policies, a climate change policy that defies climate science and all known economics, a communications policy that defies physics, an immigration policy that defies human decency and an industrial relations policy that, despite the best efforts of that dickhead Reith, has managed to just about bury the name WorkChoices, and we are likely to do it in a landslide.
So look, you tell whoever it is that has this 'disquiet' that we can worry about accountability and policies and all that other stuff once we're in power.
Until then we just have to keep our nerve, keep backgrounding the usual pets, and keep insisting that the strongest economy in the world is on the verge of collapse.
Remember, we campaign in soundbites and govern in our own good time. Or if you prefer, we campaign in Lindsay and govern in Mosman.
Staffer (smiling, holds up his hands in surrender): OK, boss. Don't worry. I got it. I get it. I'll settle them down.
He leaves.
Mr Abbott turns to the television, where the show is just about to end. He starts doing star-jumps again and as he jumps, he chants, 'Big New Tax! Big New Tax!...'
Television voice-over: 'And the biggest loser is...'
Tim Dunlop writes fortnightly for The Drum. You can follow him on Twitter and at his blog, B-Sides.