Caroline
 
  1  
Reply Thu 21 Jan, 2010 12:56 pm
@xris,
xris;121490 wrote:
I can remember passing the city of the dead in Cairo. The living poor occupy the houses of the dead at night and vacate them at day break, allowing the dead to be visited by their relatives, the living rich. It has become a real community with all the facilities of any other city.

That's really interesting, I didn't know that.
0 Replies
 
manored
 
  1  
Reply Thu 21 Jan, 2010 02:30 pm
@Krumple,
Krumple;121387 wrote:

Anyways, it reminds me of a video I've seen where a guy is stuck in an elevator for forty one hours straight. Imagine...


There was a guy who spent a large portion of his life, like 20 years, in false coma. "False coma" means that he wasnt a vegetal, he was conscient but was unable to move, he could only heard what was going on around him. Im not sure why he was unable to move yet could be brought back to full control once that was noticed (They noticed it through a new brain scan made on him with better technology), I dont remember that part. Then asked how he avoided madness (he didnt go mad, surprisingly) after spending 20 years doing nothing but lying in a bed and hearing things around him, he said that he spent most of his time dreaming. I think that its true that the less things you have to do, more things your brain will invent for you =)

xris;121490 wrote:
I can remember passing the city of the dead in Cairo. The living poor occupy the houses of the dead at night and vacate them at day break, allowing the dead to be visited by their relatives, the living rich. It has become a real community with all the facilities of any other city.
The absurdities that exist in the world are astonishing... sinking citties, whole countries protected from being flooded into oblivion only by barrages and now... a city formed into the graves of others... astonishing =)

Is that situation accepted by both parties, or are the poor unwelcome in those graves?
xris
 
  1  
Reply Fri 22 Jan, 2010 06:47 am
@manored,
I believe it is accepted by all. I think it is mutual respect.
0 Replies
 
mister kitten
 
  1  
Reply Fri 19 Feb, 2010 07:47 pm
@manored,
manored;121638 wrote:
I think that its true that the less things you have to do, more things your brain will invent for you =)



Oh my, do you mind if I quote you sir manored?

Nice story Caroline:) I enjoyed it very much. You've inspired me once more!
manored
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Feb, 2010 11:08 am
@mister kitten,
mister kitten;130165 wrote:
Oh my, do you mind if I quote you sir manored?

Nice story Caroline:) I enjoyed it very much. You've inspired me once more!
Not at all. Being in a quote will increase that sentence's reliability into 500% =)
0 Replies
 
sometime sun
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Feb, 2010 09:27 pm
@xris,
She had everywhere to go, but just no place that would have her and give her a clean blanket.

Who says beggars dont earn what they get?

Your hips need to dig and with a hard surface they wake up screaming, is it worse for womens hips than for mens? But being homeless means she probably has little weight on her hips to cushion the impact.

I would say you are an optimist if you think that the homeless (general) stick together, but your story needed to illustrate the girl was not alone just because she had no choice, she was alone because she had one and still chose to be alone. She had to be homeless? she was alone, she had not a home.

You could give her a counterpart, someone who is like her but does not want to be alone, who she still moves away from,
'he always stood because his paperback was always in his back pocket and he only sat down to read, he only sat to be alone so was always standing when they would meet',
But i understand that you dont want to give her this 'counterpart' this hope that he might have followed her to the crypt, he might notice she was gone and would come looking for her, i understand why you wouldn't want this. Or he might come looking for her, but the tragedy of this could be deeper, because she turned this boy and possible saviour away. Maybe she was mean to him, maybe she really hurt him, and we think for her 'if only you could have said yes to his company, at least if we were both trapped we would not die alone'.
But the point as i describe this to you you make even clearer is that because she could not be part of the crowd, be part of something a home, she is alone and will die so.
Well met.

If the police and society had either let her be or helped her out she would not have to die this way.
'but that didn't matter' society didn't matter, they didn't care for her so why should they matter?

Reminds me a little of Poe, but cant remember which?

Where ever i lay my mat thats my home.

I want to ask your permission to write about the candles.
Did she save any for her last nights?
Perhaps all she had left was a nub of one, when will she use this last light?
Maybe you could say her lighter even ran out the night before, so she has this nub of a candle but cant light it.

'I even read my horror book' The girl is defiant even against the dead and dreadful. I like this she had attitude, is it her attitude that kills her?

No she has no candles left, you make this clear.

'Who says i dont get spooked'
Funny, a little to funny. This says she has either come to terms, is a ghost, or has gotten free. Do you want the last to have any hope? a joke is hope.
It does not lend to the panic and fear she must be facing, or has she faced it and finds comfort in that she will die as she has lived, alone.

She at least has a little light and time to find out whos tomb she was sharing and would become hers.

She would be the only ghost that the graveyard has.
Graveyards are rarely haunted.
This one now would be.
She has finaly found her home.
Caroline
 
  1  
Reply Mon 22 Feb, 2010 11:05 am
@sometime sun,
sometime sun;130452 wrote:

I would say you are an optimist if you think that the homeless (general) stick together, but your story needed to illustrate the girl was not alone just because she had no choice, she was alone because she had one and still chose to be alone. She had to be homeless? she was alone, she had not a home.
I've worked with the homeless and I found most tend to stick together but not when they are begging.

sometime sun;130452 wrote:
You could give her a counterpart, someone who is like her but does not want to be alone, who she still moves away from,
'he always stood because his paperback was always in his back pocket and he only sat down to read, he only sat to be alone so was always standing when they would meet',
But i understand that you dont want to give her this 'counterpart' this hope that he might have followed her to the crypt, he might notice she was gone and would come looking for her, i understand why you wouldn't want this. Or he might come looking for her, but the tragedy of this could be deeper, because she turned this boy and possible saviour away. Maybe she was mean to him, maybe she really hurt him,
I like this idea that she turns him away, she has to be alone for the story to work.



sometime sun;130452 wrote:
I want to ask your permission to write about the candles.
Did she save any for her last nights?
Perhaps all she had left was a nub of one, when will she use this last light?
Maybe you could say her lighter even ran out the night before, so she has this nub of a candle but cant light it.
Of course you can write about the candles, that would be interesting. She ran out of candles because she let them burn out when she fell asleep. She only has a few matches left so not much help there.

sometime sun;130452 wrote:
'I even read my horror book' The girl is defiant even against the dead and dreadful. I like this she had attitude, is it her attitude that kills her?
Yes!



sometime sun;130452 wrote:
'Who says i dont get spooked'
Funny, a little to funny. This says she has either come to terms, is a ghost, or has gotten free. Do you want the last to have any hope? a joke is hope.
That came to me when I rewrote it right at the end, a bit of irony.

sometime sun;130452 wrote:
She at least has a little light and time to find out whos tomb she was sharing and would become hers.
Yes possibly, I did have an idea that she hears the tomb lid moving at the end but I thought that was a little to corny. Smile

Thanks for your comments Sometimesun, it was interesting to read and some good ideas there.
0 Replies
 
Krumple
 
  1  
Reply Mon 22 Feb, 2010 11:19 am
@Caroline,
I had a few ideas as well when I read it. However; the story is great as it is. I wasn't going to mention this but it made me think of this.

What if the person she turned away was the guy who put the lock on the tomb without knowing it? I mean what if the person she befriended was the grounds keeper of the cemetery? Which is how she got the idea to be there anyways. Or that he had an interest in her seeing her around but she always turned him away when ever he offered her something.

I can envision a scene where he is maybe raking the leaves from the grass of some grave stones and catches her walking by. This is his sort of daily delight to see her pass by, curious of who she is, why shes homeless. Him feeling the need to consul her like he does with the cemetery. Perhaps he inadvertently gave her the idea to utilize the cemetery. Maybe the day he gets enough nerve to talk to her, all he can think about talking about are the vandals and kids who use the place of rest and peace for their nightly hang out and disrespect. Complaining that he always finds something broken or disturbed and why he finds it necessary work. I would envision her just listening to him, maybe only after she asked him why he worked there and that was his response.

Maybe that is too cruel to have him be the person who places the lock? But he didn't mean to, he just assumed the vandals did it so he didn't bother to check if anyone was inside.
Caroline
 
  1  
Reply Mon 22 Feb, 2010 11:30 am
@Krumple,
Krumple;131047 wrote:
I
What if the person she turned away was the guy who put the lock on the tomb without knowing it?

Maybe that is too cruel to have him be the person who places the lock? But he didn't mean to, he just assumed the vandals did it so he didn't bother to check if anyone was inside.

I think that's a great idea, thanks.
Zetherin
 
  1  
Reply Wed 24 Feb, 2010 01:24 pm
@Caroline,
Caroline;131050 wrote:
I think that's a great idea, thanks.


Caroline, when is your next short story coming out? Your fans are waiting!
Caroline
 
  1  
Reply Wed 24 Feb, 2010 01:27 pm
@Zetherin,
Zetherin;131907 wrote:
Caroline, when is your next short story coming out? Your fans are waiting!

Inspiration is few and far between at the moment. Thanks Zeth.
Krumple
 
  1  
Reply Wed 24 Feb, 2010 01:33 pm
@Caroline,
Caroline;131909 wrote:
Inspiration is few and far between at the moment. Thanks Zeth.


I admit, I share his desire for more Caroline. You have fed the vultures and we want more. But I know you can't rush greatness. We will pretend, I mean do other things to occupy our time until then.
Caroline
 
  1  
Reply Wed 24 Feb, 2010 01:42 pm
@Krumple,
Krumple;131913 wrote:
I admit, I share his desire for more Caroline. You have fed the vultures and we want more. But I know you can't rush greatness. We will pretend, I mean do other things to occupy our time until then.

What you like krumps, I have to wait for moments of great I mean inspiration.
0 Replies
 
 

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