Reply Mon 18 Jan, 2010 10:38 am
You're probably wondering how a gal like me ended up on the streets begging, well I married a bad un that's how and I had nowhere to go.

Today it was icy as I sat there begging for change with my rucksack on my back wrapped in my smelly blanket. I'd managed to earn enough last week to buy my third foam mattress, you know the thin ones you get from camping stores. I just couldn't bare sleeping on the hard floor so having a third mattress made it bearable.

I don't normally follow a crowd, you know how the homeless like to stick together, sure I knew a lot of people on the streets but I liked to go it alone. I didn't care much for the drinkers, always in your face loud and stinking breath, not for me, no siree.

So here I was on a cold winters day with an icy wind blowing, begging for change wondering where the hell I was going to sleep tonight, I mean I had this corner where I normally doss down but I was moved on yesterday by the police but that didn't matter, what with the wind blowing in it didn't offer much shelter anyway. As I sat there and pondered about my sleeping arrangements the idea came to me. There was a graveyard that I had my sites on. I thought of this because in a graveyard nobody would bother me and I'm not the type to get spooked easily. So when the sun set I set off to the graveyard to see if I could find a good spot out of the wind which had started to bring in the snow, boy did it cut through. I hastened my walk and came to the open boneyard. What would be nice would be a mausoleum, it would be enclosed and therefore out of the snow and cold. I entered the graveyard and scoured it for mausoleums, the place was quiet, deadly quiet. I came across what I was looking for but it was locked so I moved on to the next. That was locked too, out of frustration I banged the padlock and guess what, it fell apart, great! I pushed hard on the old wooden door for about five minutes and then with a final push it gave way. I lit a candle, this will be perfect I thought as I looked around, there was the tomb in the middle with some poor old wretch inside, a lot of cobwebs and that was about it, great I thought to myself, it was quiet, no one to disturb and bother me and most of all it was out of the snow, a bit dank and dark but beggars cant be choosers right?

I lit three candles, laid my three thin mattress down and settled into bed. I was quite proud of myself thinking of this ingenious idea and celebrated by sucking on chunks of chocolate that I had bought earlier on, I even read my book to the wee hours, hell why not treat myself, I sure as hell deserved it. You think that most people would get spooked sleeping in a place like that, but not me, I even read my horror book.

I woke up feeling refreshed, the most I have felt in a long time. I slept well because for the first time in ages I wasn't worried about some idiot bothering me. Humming to myself I packed up my bags and chuckled to myself, still quite pleased with myself in finding such a good spot. I'll come back tonight I told myself but first lets gets some breakfast, I was starving and knew just the place where they serve a good english fry up. Have to get some more candles too.
So I head for the door of the mausoleum and gave it a hard push and another one. Something was wrong, it wouldn't push, it wouldn't open, I tried and tried again but nothing was budging. Oh my god oh my god, something was wrong, I looked through a crack in the wall and there I saw a brand new lock!

Of course I hollered and hollered but nobody came, the mausoleum was in some far corner of the bone yard practically out of sight. No one would miss me, people would think that I just moved on. The panic and the dark set in, I would never see the light again, another flower or a bluesky. Who says I don't get spooked
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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 2,012 • Replies: 32
No top replies

 
Krumple
 
  1  
Reply Mon 18 Jan, 2010 01:07 pm
@Caroline,
BrillianT

I wanted to leave just one word response but it won't let me so just ignore this statement.
Pythagorean
 
  1  
Reply Mon 18 Jan, 2010 08:45 pm
@Krumple,
That's lovely Carolline. I do love a good short story and that is a good one. Thank you for sharing it.

--
0 Replies
 
Khethil
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Jan, 2010 08:39 am
@Caroline,
Wow, I sure didn't see THAT coming. Very nicely done
0 Replies
 
Catchabula
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Jan, 2010 08:55 am
@Caroline,
Great story! It even feels like it has a symbolic edge (or do I see symbols everywhere?). Kind of an inversed platonic cave myth, the erring soul trapped in earthly dust or something. Ok ok, I'm off... Smile
Caroline
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Jan, 2010 09:17 am
@Caroline,
Thank you all for your nice comments.
0 Replies
 
manored
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Jan, 2010 09:53 am
@Catchabula,
Catchabula;121015 wrote:
Great story! It even feels like it has a symbolic edge (or do I see symbols everywhere?). Kind of an inversed platonic cave myth, the erring soul trapped in earthly dust or something. Ok ok, I'm off... Smile
You see too much, are you searching? If you search symbols, you will always find =)

Thats a nice story, but I think the beggar gave up too easily. She wasnt even dead yet! =)

Also felt like too much character developement just to lock it away to die. In mean, by the time you finish descriping the character, the story is over. But nevermind me, I am a perfectionist =)
Caroline
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Jan, 2010 10:02 am
@manored,
manored;121027 wrote:
You see too much, are you searching? If you search symbols, you will always find =)

Thats a nice story, but I think the beggar gave up too easily. She wasnt even dead yet! =)

Also felt like too much character developement just to lock it away to die. In mean, by the time you finish descriping the character, the story is over. But nevermind me, I am a perfectionist =)
Well the ending came to me first, you are right. The story is in the rawist form that needs to be developed, but I just posted the first draught to get it on paper if you like, you are right it could do with some work.
Zetherin
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Jan, 2010 10:26 am
@Caroline,
Very nicely done!

Enjoyed that one!
0 Replies
 
xris
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Jan, 2010 02:38 pm
@Caroline,
Caroline;121030 wrote:
Well the ending came to me first, you are right. The story is in the rawist form that needs to be developed, but I just posted the first draught to get it on paper if you like, you are right it could do with some work.
You have been hiding your ability under those three candles Caroline, well done. I just dont like sad endings,my weakness, could you not put a bit of hope into it.
Caroline
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Jan, 2010 03:30 pm
@xris,
xris;121093 wrote:
Y I just dont like sad endings,my weakness, could you not put a bit of hope into it.
Lol Xris, no it's supposed to end like that. Thanks mate.
Zetherin
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Jan, 2010 03:51 pm
@Caroline,
Caroline;121102 wrote:
Lol Xris, no it's supposed to end like that. Thanks mate.


Yeah, the gutwrenching feeling of knowing the woman is trapped and left to die at the end, just as things were getting a little bit better in her life, is what really makes this piece great. Very raw, very real, no happy ending.

That little bit of hope shattered in a blink of an eye.
Caroline
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Jan, 2010 05:32 pm
@Zetherin,
Zetherin;121108 wrote:
Yeah, the gutwrenching feeling of knowing the woman is trapped and left to die at the end, just as things were getting a little bit better in her life, is what really makes this piece great. Very raw, very real, no happy ending.

That little bit of hope shattered in a blink of an eye.
Yes that's exactly what I was aiming for, that creepy feeling that turns to dread, thanks.
0 Replies
 
3k1yp2
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Jan, 2010 06:22 pm
@manored,
manored;121027 wrote:
You see too much, are you searching? If you search symbols, you will always find =)

Thats a nice story, but I think the beggar gave up too easily. She wasnt even dead yet! =)

Also felt like too much character developement just to lock it away to die. In mean, by the time you finish descriping the character, the story is over. But nevermind me, I am a perfectionist =)


i disagree that the beggar gave up too easily, perhaps it would have been better to show some internal dialogue, some despairing internal thoughts, but when you've been homeless that long, you kind of just want to survive and accept the bad things that happen to you with bitterness, sadness... the panic and despair inside would be a nice touch, but its just my opinion of course, i did like it though. and when i mention what its like to be homeless, i do speak from experience
Leonard
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Jan, 2010 06:45 pm
@Caroline,
Excellent story, nicely done.
0 Replies
 
chad3006
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Jan, 2010 08:43 am
@Caroline,
Enjoyable read, thanks!
0 Replies
 
manored
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Jan, 2010 11:21 am
@3k1yp2,
3k1yp2;121128 wrote:
i disagree that the beggar gave up too easily, perhaps it would have been better to show some internal dialogue, some despairing internal thoughts, but when you've been homeless that long, you kind of just want to survive and accept the bad things that happen to you with bitterness, sadness... the panic and despair inside would be a nice touch, but its just my opinion of course, i did like it though. and when i mention what its like to be homeless, i do speak from experience
Independently of whenever she was a homeless or not, whenever she would give up or not depends of her personality. From what I could catch from her personality, It didnt seem she was the type to give up so easly, she seemed happy to live besides everything. But, off course, different people catch different impressions from one's personality.

But I agree that some "inside world" on the matter could be a nice touch.
0 Replies
 
Khethil
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Jan, 2010 04:13 pm
@Caroline,
Don't change a thing, it was just fine as it is and had an excellent effect
0 Replies
 
Krumple
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Jan, 2010 05:44 pm
@Caroline,
I agree, the story doesn't need anything else. It is great as it is. It could be added onto but so could any story, even the ones where the character dies at the end. There is always a way to bring them back.

Anyways, it reminds me of a video I've seen where a guy is stuck in an elevator for forty one hours straight. Imagine...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_bMhNI_TY8
xris
 
  1  
Reply Thu 21 Jan, 2010 07:58 am
@Krumple,
I can remember passing the city of the dead in Cairo. The living poor occupy the houses of the dead at night and vacate them at day break, allowing the dead to be visited by their relatives, the living rich. It has become a real community with all the facilities of any other city.
 

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