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mind rating these rap lyrics, please? (its short) :]

 
 
Reply Fri 19 Mar, 2010 02:36 pm
i love old school and underground heavy rap, but i never actually attempted to write a song, i do however write books, and poetry.
i know your going to say that rap, is poetry, but there is a certain difference between them..

i spit this off the top of my head last night, just a minute or two, felt like writing, but i had no clue what to write.

mind rating it ?
if its alright, i might keep this going :]
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Im sitting here, alone and provoked
By this smoke, my eyes deprived of oxygen they choke,
I ask mother nature, to please invoke me..
With her serenity,
God are you there?
Cause im about to make a deal with the devil, you see.
Maybe in prayer, in a 2000 volt chair
Like a mother yelling out for help, as her child, slowly closes his eyes,
But cries are sugar coated lullabies, to lies disguised as gods of a nation so wise.
So, in my humble demise, I’ll flip through the pages of philosophy written in white ink,
Have some moonshine, here have a drink..
Listen to me, as I contemplate humanity, it words which bigots own,
But deny, and refuse to condone..
A shattered skull, like broken domes, in ancient Rome
Lying on the Caesar’s corpse, a royal broken home...
Like a fetus, roaming through the chapters of a scripture tome

Corporations, exploitation, corruption, GREED
Rape, Murder, deception, dead SEED's
Speed, weed, please, beasts FEED
Conceit, concede, mislead, manipulate, SUCCEED
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Type: Question • Score: 0 • Views: 8,774 • Replies: 7
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wonda plus
 
  2  
Reply Wed 28 Apr, 2010 09:22 am
@Legitimatejunkie,
definetly have some potential man ... the start was a little bit rough but when you got to line 8 you started rippin. if you can keep the rhymes like that it would be BOMB ... i love the chorus to... the first 2 lines are good aswell, then it kinda went down then back up. ill add you and we can talk, i write alot of songs myself, and maybe you could rate mine aswell Very Happy
0 Replies
 
Braindamaged
 
  1  
Reply Fri 30 Jul, 2010 07:59 am
@Legitimatejunkie,
That's some pretty good shiiit Very Happy U da bomb! Very Happy

Would love to get this song done, like written a whole song Very Happy
0 Replies
 
Bambino
 
  1  
Reply Tue 14 Jun, 2011 01:18 pm
@Legitimatejunkie,
Great writing man. One thing that caught my eye was your multisyllabic rhyming is tight. Your a good writer, need any more help just hit me up I got some lines that you could add.
theprofessor
 
  1  
Reply Tue 25 Oct, 2011 10:22 pm
@Bambino,
ur structure couyld use work the ideas are there u have good direction , u need to buld stronger multis an wordplay but you'll get there .....
0 Replies
 
shutdownpow
 
  1  
Reply Wed 18 Jan, 2012 09:34 pm
thats was deep,,intricate,,,,,,,multis was cool to me,,kinda off kilter,,statacco,,which i like,,,,one thing i will say is u can tell ur still in book mode,,which is cool,,but you can rhyme,,this was good,,,,the fetus roaming thru whatever i cant remember,lol,,was a line that was hotter than blue flames,,salute kid
0 Replies
 
Oopan
 
  1  
Reply Fri 26 Oct, 2012 05:26 pm
@Legitimatejunkie,
Nice dude!
Everything connects so well!
0 Replies
 
void123
 
  1  
Reply Sat 3 May, 2014 04:29 pm
@Legitimatejunkie,
didn't like it
0 Replies
 
 

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