Wife/Depression/Divorce/Custody

I don't know, though I understand your explanation of what is going on.

Please give us a state location as a reference.

The state is Iowa

1) get a lawyer. (Shop around. Talk to several before selecting one.)
2) review what will be required of you to retain custody (or shared custody) of the kids.
3) follow your lawyer's instructions.

I really feel badly for you. Your wife is sick but she has no right to treat you so shamefully and your children are being injured as well by her behavior.

Go tomorrow. Get started now.

Joe(Now. Don't wait another minute.)Nation

The state is Iowa.

It isn't unusual for a father to get custody -- especially if your kids are old enough to have a voice in the decision of where they want to live.

If you travel for business very often that will work against you. Make sure you mention this to your lawyer so you can take steps with your employer if needed.

(Depending on your emotions toward your wife), don 't u even want
to TRY to work it out or even to find out what the underlying problem is? Have u no curiosity ?

In this particular case, I think that marriage counselling is in order.
If that is not helpful, divorce is still available.

U don 't get extra points for getting rid of her faster.

I'm all for consulting a marriage counselor AFTER finding a lawyer. We only have heard one side of this situation but, from the sound of it, it appears the wife has already gone over the deep end. (Depressed, withdrawn from family, not in care. Had an affair. Is probably continuing one on her computer. )
The children must be protected first, even before the marriage.

Get a lawyer.
Offer to go to counseling.
Proceed to protect one's self and the children.

Joe(First male ever in Oklahoma to receive child-support payments from former spouse.)Nation.

IF he consults a lawyer first,
then he shoud probably not tell her of it, so as to avoid having her feel actively threatened.
This might poison the reconciliation process of marriage counselling.

Agreed.

Let me add some more information. We have been married for 15 years. 21 years together as a couple. I have never cheated, been faithful. The last 10 years I have been the spouse that makes the money for the household. My wife has been a stay at home mom. This is what we agreed to. My wife started back to work this summer. She makes good money now. The money she makes is gone? Where? Clothes, laser cleansing for her face, nights out with "Friends", she has not bought the kids anything even though she could. We did go to counseling for a bit but she lied and after she got diagnosed with Depression she admitted lying in the session. I have tried. I have even went to a counselor myself to try to understand what my wife has went through. I think she has been depressed for awhile but the _hit the fan this year and she got diagnosed w/ Major Depression. Am I perfect no, but the day I found out she had an affair, she took our kids out to her parents and she went to do her thing with her man. The kids were calling me to pick them up as they did not want to be out there and I tried and tried to call her but no answer, as she was off doing you know what. I will never forgive her for that. What if my kids had an emergency? Last week she said it was no big deal as she got home by 10pm. Yeah it was. That is only a portion of things. She tells me she is only it for the kids and it is great when I travel. Well, I have talked to my kids and asked them what it is like while I am gone. The kids tell me she is always on the computer, texting, or reading a book. No interaction w/ kids. When she is on the computer she has yelled get the "F" out of here and other obsecenities to our kids. I don't care what kids do you never use that language. This has happened more than once. The most recent is I had to discipline one of my kids for just acting up. My wife got home late and my son was mad as he got punished. She helped him write 2 notes stating how "I don't like him" and "How my son hates me"! I have never even said a word of hate to my kids or would help them write a note like that to their mother. Lastly, I told my wife that she is secluded and locks herself in the bedroom and she said I was just trying to bend reality towards my side. Next morning she told my kids that she will not be on the computer or text or read a book until they go to bed. Which reality is she seeing now? Now she is trying to be a supermom. She tries to talk, play, and etc with them until one of them pushes her buttons and then she will act just like them and go back to her seclusion.
Do I want a divorce? I never did! I love her but how can you live with someone who hates/despises/whatever you? She wants nothing to do with me physically(kissing, hugging, touching, etc). This is not healthy. Am I hurt and mad, Yes!
Do I want her to have her raise our kids? NO!
I want full custody if I do this divorce. I know it is about 10% of the time the fathers get full custody. I am not asking to not have our kids never see their mom. She made her bed and she must live in it now. There have been times when I am gone for work, she will not even make supper but my kids had to make supper or make a snack and she was on the computer or reading.
Now she is pissed at me because I have questioned her being a good mother. I questioned that when she dumped our kids off so she could go have an affair.
What I would like to know is, what can I do to better my case for full custody? I have taken notes, I got emails, my kids tell me things that go on, I am very active in their lives. My wife will most likely live in an apartment and I will keep our house. I know that should be in my favor. I get them ready for school, I pick them up at school(80-90% of the time), my employer said they would allow me to travel less if this did happen, I am going to have family members move in with me(parents).

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

Side note if she is using a family computer as a main tool for things she would not wish you to know about get a usb exterial hard drive for less then a 100 dollars and get a clone copy of it hard drive for someone who know what they are doing to look at. Then there are key loggers etc for less then 50 dollars. Any friend or computer tech that you know with fair knowledge of computers should be able to help you to do this.

Assuming that this is a family computer then as far as this non-lawyer know there should not be a problem in cloning the computer hard drive or even placing a key logger on it.

As you should be seeing a lawyer in any case I suggest running it by that lawyer just to be on the safe side however.

Good luck.

I repeat:
1) get a lawyer. (Shop around. Talk to several before selecting one.)
2) review what will be required of you to retain custody (or shared custody) of the kids.
3) follow your lawyer's instructions.

I really feel badly for you. Your wife is sick but she has no right to treat you so shamefully and your children are being injured as well by her behavior.

Go tomorrow. Get started now.

Joe(Now. Don't wait another minute.)Nation

You have not talked about what she wants from YOU. Does she want to stay in this loveless/emotionally exhausting marriage? She sounds overwhelmed by the kids AND something is going on with the computer - either gambling or she is hooking up with guys.

How about a little honesty between you two? either in front of a counselor or with another third party that can moderate and witness the discussion, so there are not mistakes about what she and you want.

Most likely, if you separate, she can leave and you will get the home and the kids - and all the responsibilities that go along with all that. It will be a lot of work. She may be a better absentee parent than full-custody parent.

Get yourself ready for all this by consulting with a lawyer and lining up a counselor to sort all this out.

Good luck. Believe me, life's too short to live without feeling loved.