Should he stay or should he go?

Well, in any large gathering, there's always going to be a few who just don't care about a couple of others, so I wouldn't let that stop the visit, though when I say that, I don't have any experience with Mo.

On the other hand, I've got four fingers and a thumb*. I have never been impressed with Mo's other family and can't imagine how he would benefit from contact with any of them.

*Always wanted to say that.

Trust your gut reaction, boomerang. You're usually right about these things.

This could be a not-too-happy & also upsetting experience for him, if he does go.

But is there any chance Mo's other mother & his sisters could come over to your place for a visit? (Would you - or they - even want that?)

I think you should trust your gut. You know your son.

I note Bio-mom hasn't reached out. How often does aunt have contact?

On a visceral level, I rebel at the idea. I appreciate it's complicated.

Here's what I think: a kid cannot have too much family.

I'd tell him about the invitation. LISTEN, stop talking already, to what he thinks and feels about it and let him make the call accepting or rejecting the invitation.

Joe(and by the call, I mean, the decision and the phone call.)Nation

No such thing as too much family has always been our motto.

He see's Auntie about once a month and they talk on the phone every few weeks.

We last saw his sisters about two years ago when a mutual friend of both parents brought them over for a visit. Mo would love to see them.

He last saw his other mom about four years ago. I think he would like to see her, she's welcome at my home any time. Our door has always been open to her.

The rest of the people who will be at the gathering have made no attempt to contact Mo in six years.

I'm sure I will tell Mo about the invitation. I also know that the way I present the information will influence his decision -- I could swing it either way.

My only requirement, ever, of their involvement in his life is that they be consistent.

And they have been consistently absent.

If they open that door and abandon him again it could be devistating to him.

I see both sides. I just don't want him to be hurt.

I see why you're so concerned, boomerang.

A thought: assuming he did want to go, is there any chance that you, or your husband, could go with him? ("just in case ...", to be on the safe side ... ) Though I don't know that you've been asked. And I have my doubts about whether you'd want to be involved ... But hey, he's only little, still. And he hasn't seen his other mother for 4 years. And would hardly know many (most?) of the people there ....
I think, in your shoes, I'd be pretty worried about how he might feel, or react, he was having a tough time of it.

It sounds like he has a solid relationship with aunt. Is it enough? Does other mother know he’s been invited? If it’s a reunion, could you attend? There were many times in my life that I went years between family visits, and it was always fun, or at least if it wasn’t there was a sense of belonging, but I never had to do it without my mom.

Invite auntie, biomom and sisters (and their parents) for an afternoon meeting on some neutral territory in your neighbourhood. Not your house. Mo needs to keep his safe place in case it doesn't work out.

Mo's territory, your rules.

I see that you see both sides, but there's really only one (to me), and that is what is easiest and healthiest for Mo.

word to the thumb piano player

Really nice how they sprung this on you at the last minute, don't you think?

And this is what I just don't know.

Is easiest now what is healthiest in the long run?

And no kidding, chai! To be fair I think the court case was just settled this week so visitation was just reinstated.

And speaking of the court case....

Am I wrong to have this bother me?

I mean, the whole damn family pretty much just ditched the magnificent Mo. And that includes his mom. But now she's gone to court and the whole family is celebrating visitation with the girls?

I know that they know Mo is so very well loved here and they don't have to worry about him but still.....

How frikken awful would it be to know that your "mom", who lives 15 minutes away never bothered to even send you a birthday card but hired a lawyer and spent her hard earned cash to get visitation with her well cared for, much loved, other children?

Mo is old enough to kind of "get" that.

If it hurts me, what might it feel like for him?

Other mom will not be joining her own family for Thanksgiving. That's a warning in itself. Maybe the whole plan will fall apart in that insanely fall apart family.

I vote no. You've spent a lot of time helping mo settle and get over separation angst. I see no value in throwing all this wide open again.
Invite his sisters over one at a time. over several weeks.
get in touch with the sisters parent. suss things out.

You just convinced me. I vote no.

Anyway, though there was a good reason for such short notice, you can't be expected to drop all your plans this late.

One thing I'd like to suggest on top of what Dadpad said...

Holidays are hard enough without adding the added stress to it for both Mo and you. Mo needs help to make his holiday memories good ones and not traumatic/dramatic ones. Try to make the invitation for the sisters to come visit some time other than the holidays.

Maybe let Mo have a New Year's party with a bunch of his friends and invite the sisters to it. Or, have a winter tailgate party for Mo and a bunch of his friends when one of his favorite team's big game is occurring. Invite the sisters and auntie/mom to it too.

I think ehBeth makes a good point in suggesting this "reunion" be done on neutral territory so Mo still has his home as his sanctuary without the other family's issues invading his soft place to fall.

What's he like generally at present?

Have they invited just him, or is there a possibility you could go to support him?


I am tending to go with your gut, by the way.

I'd be thinking time with mum and the sisters, (and YOU and possibly MR B if he could make it) in a neutral setting, with a programmed activity, like a barbecue or something, and not longer than a couple of hours after that length of time.

I have experienced a somewhat similar circumstance with our young ones.

Mo should be your only concern and it is quite evident that he is. Don't worry about the other family members or their feelings. In the long run --- they don't count.

My ever so humble opinion is that Mo would not benefit from the gathering. And, I agree with Beth in perhaps having the sisters meet with Mo and your family on neutral ground. The children are what is important here.

So, if I was trying to be dispassionate I suppose there is a train of thought that sheltering him overmuch is not the healthiest route either. The other family is part of his place in the world. It isn’t like you’d be sending him off to a crack party. I think it unlikely that at a family reunion they’d let a little boy languish alone in a corner. Plus, aunt is an anchor. He seems to be wanted and you say you think he’d like it. It’s an afternoon.

Continuing with the devil’s advocate, perhaps he would be disappointed, or have his feelings hurt, but should we save our kids from that? If that is his reality, would it be better to have him come to grips with that over time, instead of always wondering, or having unrealistic fantasies, and perhaps some later resentments because he doesn’t know any better? It could help to eliminate some of the guesswork from his brain. He has to find his way.

I also don’t want to excuse the lack of contact from the other side, but I can’t help but think it’s been very complicated for them, too, and lots of confusion about the right thing to do. I believe I would be very reluctant to pursue a relationship with my nephew’s daughter should he be unable to care for her and the little one was adopted. It wouldn’t mean that I didn’t love her, or want the best for her, or that I wouldn’t be really happy to see her if she attended a family gathering at some point in the future.

I’m not sure why yet (I’m trying to sort out my feelings), but something just doesn’t feel right with the idea that they are welcome to come see Mo, but only Mo is welcome to go see them. If there’s going to be attempts to normalize contact (which I think in principle is an admirable goal) my gut tells me that it should go both ways, at least during his tender years if not always.

Mr. B says "HELL NO!"

....and more.

He says that while he sees value in them all seeing each other that it will be on our terms, at Mo's pace.

I think Mr. B is really Mr. ehBeth.

what the heck does that have to do with the invitation to Mo? mmm, nothing.

it sounds more and more that for much of that family (including biomom), Mo is an afterthought. Is there a benefit to him understanding that now?

~~~

oh, and re me and Mr. B - I traditionally am the man in relationship stuff. I don't remember birthdays/anniversaries etc etc etc