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A Dad in Total Distress

 
 
Reply Thu 23 Jul, 2009 10:11 am
I feel like crap. Child support and child care are taking weekly money from my check. I don't have enough left over to live on my own. Can you believe I don't have enough left over to even rent a room? I am tired, angry and confused.

My ex-wife, for reasons unknown, has decided to take my son from me. She's getting all my money and I don't see the child. How about that?

I miss my son dearly. I don't want to fight my ex-wife in a courtroom. There is no reason for this behavior. It is very clear that she continues to live in the past. By the way, she divorced me and not the other way around. I did not seek a lawyer. She did what relatives and friends told her to do. It is very typical for divorced women to use kids as pawns to get back at men.

I am no bad guy. I love my son. Why is she doing this to me? I have no idea. No one really knows why she is doing this. I have been searching for answers since the end of June 2009. I have no answers. All I know is that $106 are taken from my weekly check and there is nothing I can do to stop it. A lawyer would probably help but who can afford a lawyer? The court-appointed lawyers are selected wisely by the court system. Lawyers, in that system, are more concerned about women and the kids. Men are seen as trash. There's no place to hide.

Lastly, I don't know what to do anymore. I work 32 hours each weekend at $11.50 per hour. After all tax deductions plus child support plus child care, I am left with nothing to live on. You may ask: why not get second job? The answer is simple. Any extra income must be reported to the child support collection unit.

If I find work OFF THE BOOKS, then I am doing myself harm because nothing is being put away for my future and retirement. So, this leaves me no choice but to report any changes in income to the collection unit. Any money that I keep from them becomes arrears. Right now, I owe them about $250 in arrears.

This means my new weekly deduction will increase to $159 per week until the arrears are paid in full. How do I know it will be $159? I recently received a summary account sheet from the collection unit revealing that an extra $53 will be deducted from my weekly check.
So, $106 + $53 = $159 PER WEEK going to a person who does not let me see my son.

What do you say, honestly? What would you do in my case? I am seeking for help from anyone who will take time to help me with some tips and/or advice.

Thanks for reading.
 
dyslexia
 
  4  
Reply Thu 23 Jul, 2009 10:22 am
you need a lawyer.
boomerang
 
  4  
Reply Thu 23 Jul, 2009 10:29 am
I know someone in a very similar situation, only the genders are reversed. She pays child support and the father won't allow her to see the kids so I don't think this is some sexist court system out to get you.

She got an attorney through legal aid. You probably can too: http://www.legal-aid.org/en/home.aspx
ebrown p
 
  2  
Reply Thu 23 Jul, 2009 10:41 am
@feliz1965,
I agree with everyone here.

You do have rights, particularly to see your son. You do need a lawyer-- I understand your mistrust... but there are good lawyers and this is the only way for you to stand up for your rights.

I am also wondering if you could get help, particularly in setting up visits with your kid, from a social services agency.



Chumly
 
  2  
Reply Thu 23 Jul, 2009 10:50 am
You mention that "it is very typical for divorced women to use kids as pawns to get back at men". My mom spend many years manipulating me against my father. Any parent that uses children as pawns ought to be given a public flogging!

My mom refused to work after the divorce and relied on alimony and handouts from her parents.
Ticomaya
 
  4  
Reply Thu 23 Jul, 2009 10:56 am
@feliz1965,
feliz1965 wrote:
I did not seek a lawyer.

Mistake #1.

Quote:
The court-appointed lawyers are selected wisely by the court system.

Yes, and they usually know what they're doing. They are probably very busy, though.

Quote:
Lawyers, in that system, are more concerned about women and the kids.

Well, they should be concerned about the kids, shouldn't they? After all, the primary concern should be the best interests of the kids, right?

Quote:
You may ask: why not get second job? The answer is simple. Any extra income must be reported to the child support collection unit.

What is your basis for believing that because it must be reported it must be used in determining your child support obligation? In some jurisdictions there is no requirement to consider a second job's income, particularly if the payor parent has not historically worked a second job. Check your state's laws.

Quote:
What do you say, honestly? What would you do in my case? I am seeking for help from anyone who will take time to help me with some tips and/or advice.

Have you filed a Petition to Enforce your parenting time, or a Petition to Modify your parenting time, whichever is most appropriate? I know you don't want to fight your ex in court, but you do realize you must do that if you want to see your child, right?

What state to you live in?
Linkat
 
  2  
Reply Thu 23 Jul, 2009 11:23 am
@Ticomaya,
Agreed - you may not want to fight in court, but you need to determine which you want more - to see your son? Or not to go to court? It may not be the best - a court appointed attorney, but it is still better than your personal legal knowledge. You may be in a bad situation, but you do have the opportunity to make the situation better.
0 Replies
 
rosborne979
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Jul, 2009 03:22 pm
@feliz1965,
feliz1965 wrote:
I miss my son dearly. I don't want to fight my ex-wife in a courtroom.

Your problems will be never-ending if you don't take a stance for your rights. Get a lawyer, do what has to be done.
0 Replies
 
feliz1965
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Jul, 2009 05:24 pm
@dyslexia,
You are right but a person with my salary cannot afford a lawyer.
0 Replies
 
feliz1965
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Jul, 2009 05:25 pm
@dyslexia,
dyslexia wrote:

you need a lawyer.


I can't afford a lawyer. I barely make enough to live on.
0 Replies
 
feliz1965
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Jul, 2009 05:25 pm
@boomerang,
boomerang wrote:

I know someone in a very similar situation, only the genders are reversed. She pays child support and the father won't allow her to see the kids so I don't think this is some sexist court system out to get you.

She got an attorney through legal aid. You probably can too: http://www.legal-aid.org/en/home.aspx


Thanks for the link.
0 Replies
 
feliz1965
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Jul, 2009 05:26 pm
@ebrown p,
ebrown p wrote:

I agree with everyone here.

You do have rights, particularly to see your son. You do need a lawyer-- I understand your mistrust... but there are good lawyers and this is the only way for you to stand up for your rights.

I am also wondering if you could get help, particularly in setting up visits with your kid, from a social services agency.

I will look into social services for help.





0 Replies
 
feliz1965
 
  2  
Reply Thu 23 Jul, 2009 05:28 pm
@Chumly,
Chumly wrote:

You mention that "it is very typical for divorced women to use kids as pawns to get back at men". My mom spend many years manipulating me against my father. Any parent that uses children as pawns ought to be given a public flogging!

My mom refused to work after the divorce and relied on alimony and handouts from her parents.


So, did you believe your mom? Do you see your dad today? Did you believe your mom's stories about how "bad" your father was?
boomerang
 
  3  
Reply Thu 23 Jul, 2009 05:46 pm
Re: "it is very typical for divorced women to use kids as pawns to get back at men".

My husband's (Mr. B) experience was the complete opposite.

His dad ran off with his secretary when Mr. B was two. He never paid child support. He rarely saw his kids. Mr. B's mom never said a harsh word about him.

Mr. B calls him "The Glamour Parent". Always fun. Always spent lavishly on him the one time every year or two he showed up. The kids adored him.

He's an attorney. He convinced the older kids in the family (older teens) to sue their mom for emancipation for no other reason than to hurt their mom.

It wasn't until Mr. B was well into adulthood that he realized what an absolute jerk his glamour parent was.

Mr. B and I have an adopted child. We never say mean things about his bio-people but we are honest. Mr. B is determined to save our son from the cruelty of having a glamour parent.

For every woman who does some crazy ass ****, there's a man who has done the same.
spendius
 
  0  
Reply Thu 23 Jul, 2009 05:50 pm
@feliz1965,
I have tried to console half a dozen guys in your position in pubs. There is no answer. Make divorce easy and it's inevitable.

But as soon as your son gets to be able to think for himself he will probably come looking for you. Until then you'll have to be patient. I wouldn't get a lawyer. For what it's worth. She will have one.

Your story might make a few young men think twice about things.

Best of luck.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Jul, 2009 06:11 pm
@boomerang,
I saw my niece set up as pawn. Her mother admitted this to me in so many words years later. My niece remembers the woman who put words in her mouth. I remember my in law telling me about a warning from the mother, before it all.
It was a kind of hell;
she was so sorry once on the phone (that day).
Later, I was the last of us to talk with her before her death, she called me, wailing.

Years before -
I was in the courtroom for a bit, before we were ushered out as not being immediate family. (wtf?, who else was there when her mother took off for six months, twice?)
She connected to me, since I came over and said hello to her before the court convened.

I'll always remember that room. A female judge, a female appointed attorney for the mother, a female appointed for my four year old niece, and a divorce attorney, out of his league, hired by her father.

I'm something of a feminist but that room had rays going at the dad when the women entered.

He did nothing wrong, or at least nothing any of us would think of as wrong (I had a long talk with the key psychiatrist who was apparently glad to get my take as it fitted with his, and for some reason he couldn't countermand the recommendations which involved many thousands of dollars. He died after that.

I'll stipulate there can be bias, I've lived it.

Now then, I don't know re this particular case.
0 Replies
 
Ticomaya
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Jul, 2009 06:13 pm
Although an attorney is advisable, and you should certainly check with legal aid or the local Bar Association to see if they have a voluntary pro bono lawyer program to assist with family law matters, an attorney is not mandatory. You can certainly file a Motion to Modify (or Enforce) parenting time without a lawyer. Have you looked to see if the Court has forms available for this?
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Jul, 2009 06:31 pm
Nods to Tico.

On my post, I don't mean to make light of my niece's mother and her wailing just before her death, quite the contrary, I'll never forget that call.

My niece is an adult now. I think I should shut up until she and I talk more recently.
0 Replies
 
Chumly
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Jul, 2009 10:20 pm
@feliz1965,
Yes I did somewhat believe my mom's claims.
Yes I did still see my dad.
Yes I did somewhat believe my mom's stories about how "bad" my father was.
My mom's claims were not all unfounded as my dad did beat her up on the kitchen floor right in front of me when I was rather young.

I assume there was no such altercations between you and your wife?
Does your wife drink, do drugs, overeat, stay up all night?
Do you think your wife makes a good role model for your son?
0 Replies
 
Liliks
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2016 10:27 am
If you don't have money to pay for a lawyer you can definitely represent your self, do this:

1-file a fee waiver, this allows you to do everything in court for free: hearings, copies, file documents
2. File an order to show cause to change child support and visitation orders
3- file a modification for child support (express your self deeply with an attachment, judges do read attachments )
4- in the hearing play yourself as the victim, Say that this is causing you greatly psychological damage and you need to see your son but need money to pay for depression therapy and need to modify your child
Support order.
5.good luck
0 Replies
 
 

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