Play dates with girls.....

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I usually let Mo (8 years old) invite a friend over every Friday after school. I encourage him to invite a different person over on a regular basis. This week he wants to invite a girl from his class over for a play date.

In our old neighborhood (1 1/2 years ago) most of Mo's friends were girls and he just genuinely likes girls as people to hang out with. I think it's kind of neat that he wants to invite a girl over and don't want to get all spastic about it.

To further complicate things, Mo likes this girl as in likes this girl. He got a gum ball machine ring the other day and he is saving it to give her at school tomorrow.

But I don't know this girl's parents or anything so even though she just lives a few blocks away it isn't an organic get together like his old opposite sex play dates. I have to call her family and invite her over.

I don't want them to think I'm some kind of wacko and I don't want Mo or "Valerie" to get teased at school when word gets out.

Not being the parent of a girl I'm not sure how her family will react to things.

How do you suggest I go about this?

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I'd consider it as no big deal, boomer. Just talk to the mother and tell her
that Mo always had girls as friends in his old neighborhood and he misses
them. You're glad that he found "Valerie" as new friend and would she (Mom)
mind, if Valerie comes over on Friday.

My problem would be to entertain them, actually. Do they have common
interests?

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OH thanks, CJane. I was really hoping to hear from parents of girls.

I know she is on a baseball team, as is Mo and she likes Legos and so does Mo. He has come up with a list of things they could do: he can play the drums for her, they can play baseball, they can play at the schoolyard.

They probably have as much in common as any of the kids he invites over.

I know it shouldn't be a big deal, he's always had girls for friends and doesn't really "get" why I go uhhh..... hmmmm....

Frankly, I don't get why I do it either.

It just feels different from calling up the parents of boys and going through the same talk.

3 Replies

@boomerang,

I guess your ambivalent feelings come from not knowing the girls parents.
Believe it or not, it does get more complicated later on. My daughter has had
a "boy" (he's 15) as friend and when his father brought him over the first time,
it was more awkward for us adults than the teens. They're just friends, but
the father was concerned that Jane and "Tarzan" could be left alone without
chaperone. I assured him that his son is safe in our home and that nothing
will happen to either one of them.

I have always had platonic friendships with guys and I welcome that my
daughter has too. It just takes a bit convincing for some parents.

You're encouraging the right thing, boomer.

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Sorry - but at that age, I'd encourage group interaction. Ask your son to ask several kids over and let things develop from there.

No way would I as a parent of an 11 year old, allow her to go over by herself over to a boy's house, unless it was for homework.

PS - Did you see the recent survey done in Texas where they found 29% of 12 year olds engage in regular sex?

Delay all this one on one stuff as long as possible!!!.

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...and that 's "engage regularily" in sexual behavior.

I don't know if there's such a thing as "regular sex" anymore.

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@boomerang,

Sozlet has a lot of boy friends. She recently went through a phase of much preferring boys to girls ("they're just more... simple"), and had more boy-playdates than usual during that time. My best friend's son is one of her good friends, the five of us (there's a little brother too) often get together and the kids have a blast.

But we also do regular, kids-disappear playdates with boys too.

All of that said -- one of her best friends is, I guess, her "boyfriend." She likes him. He likes her.

I have to say, that feels a little different, and I haven't totally gotten my head around it either.

He's fab, I really like him, and one thing really helps -- he lives next door to ANOTHER friend of hers, and often when she goes to that friend's house, the whole pack (sozlet, her female friend, her "boyfriend" and his two sisters) hang out and play. That works out.

I've invited the "boyfriend" over for a playdate just because I know they get along so well and because a) I don't think they'd do anything inappropriate, b) while I don't think they would, if they do a little doctor-playing that's not necessarily the end of the world. But HIS mom seems a little hesitant. I know she loves sozlet, and she's talked about how it's so cool that they "get" each other -- they're both scary-smart, and her son is the kind of kid that would tell a joke in kindergarten that had the teacher cracking up while the kids looked on blankly. (Sozlet cracks up.)

But she said "yeah, that'd be cool..." in a general way but it kept not-happening obviously enough that I've stopped asking, especially since they get together regularly at neighbor girl's house. (I have to figure out how to get the whole pack over here...)

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@sozobe,

Forgot to address one part of your post; she's never gotten any guff that I know of for having boys over for playdates or going to boys' houses for playdates. That includes hanging out with the "boyfriend," but yeah, might be different if it's just the two of them, I dunno. I don't think it'd be a problem.

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@sullyfish6,

sullyfish6 wrote:

Sorry - but at that age, I'd encourage group interaction. Ask your son to ask several kids over and let things develop from there.

No way would I as a parent of an 11 year old, allow her to go over by herself over to a boy's house, unless it was for homework.

PS - Did you see the recent survey done in Texas where they found 29% of 12 year olds engage in regular sex?

Delay all this one on one stuff as long as possible!!!.

I can't believe I am reading such nonsense. What do you think they would
do for homework, if you allow interaction only for that purpose? The
more interaction kids have with the opposite sex the more relaxed they
are around them.
If you, sullyfish6, would be afraid that your 11 year old has sex (where does 11 come in here?), then you obviously don't have an open relationship with
your child.

I never had that fear when my daughter was 11, and now that she's 13, I
still don't.

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I think it would be so much easier, soz, if I had some kind of connection to the parent -- any kind of connection, even a neighbor co-friend type connection.

At the old house, girls (remember the she-hooligans?) were just handy playmates. If he wanted to go out and play, it was with a group of girls.

I'm totally with CJane on this one, sullyfish. I think the best way for boys to learn about girls is to have them as friends. My best friend through my teenage years was a boy and it was never sexual but I managed to learn a lot about boys and how they think from him.

I don't have any problem with him inviting a girl over.

What I'm trying to figure out is how her parents might react. I want to make sure I approach it in the right way so I'm not left with trying to explain to Mo why her parent's won't let her come over, if that's what happens.

2 Replies

@boomerang,

Do you ever see the parents when you pick up Mo, for example? I've found that the trickiest stuff is best handled in person, so you can get the full range of clues and tailor things accordingly.

I think all the boys we've had over for playdates so far weren't "cold calls" so to speak -- the kids had already gotten together in various venues before we moved on to showing 'em the tree swing, or whatever.

Hey, that may be a good way to start if you're not sure what their reaction will be, whether in person or on the phone. "It's been so nice and warm lately [or whatever, if it hasn't been been warm, use something else] and I was thinking of taking Mo and a friend to [local park is probably best, nothing too fancy] for the afternoon and he said he'd love to bring Valerie, would that be OK with you guys?" Neutral ground always seems to work best if there's a sense that things might be awkward, and then you can talk more before/ after that playdate and go from there.

Unless it can't be avoided, I'd say go ahead and do it without really talking to Mo about it first, and then if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. When I've talked to N's mom (the "boyfriend") about having him over, sozlet's been in the vicinity but wasn't paying attention. There hasn't really been a "let's have N over"/ "his mom won't let him" conversation.

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@boomerang,

boomerang wrote:

OH thanks, CJane. I was really hoping to hear from parents of girls.

I know she is on a baseball team, as is Mo and she likes Legos and so does Mo. He has come up with a list of things they could do: he can play the drums for her, they can play baseball, they can play at the schoolyard.

They probably have as much in common as any of the kids he invites over.

I know it shouldn't be a big deal, he's always had girls for friends and doesn't really "get" why I go uhhh..... hmmmm....

Frankly, I don't get why I do it either.

It just feels different from calling up the parents of boys and going through the same talk.

I find it surprizing how much things have changed
in the last half century. I remember when I was 8, in Arizona.
Whether I was alone at home, or whether my parents were home,
my friends n I just walked or rode bikes over to and among our
respective houses on a 100% free basis. It seemed that moving around
was an obvious way to live, rather than remaining in one place.
Half an hour at some guys 's house, 2 hours at someone else 's place,
a trip to get some comic books, a trip to the malt shop were all on unplanned whims,
except for some guys' returning home for meals at designated times.
We all knew that it was entirely normal to come n go as we pleased.

For years, that was never questioned.

Now, it is different ??

WHODATHUNKIT ??

David

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@boomerang,

I agree with the knowing the parents. My 10 year old daughter has some boys that are friends (and some she does/had "liked liked"). It is much easier for me as the parent of a girl to let her play over boy A's house as I know the parents so well. Not that I think she would have sex, but just that Dr. thing or PG girl/boy stuff.

Maybe suggest inviting the parent/s over too - along with the Mo has had lots of girls that were friends of his conversation - so you can get to know each other as well as the parents feeling comfortable about their daughter.

I wouldn't worry about the teasing boy/girl thing as that could happen any way if they are friends at school and play together there.

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I don't know how old you are, David, but I can assure you things have changed.

Nobody allows their kid to carry around a gun like you did, either!

The whole playdate thing drives me a little crazy because, like you, we just played without having to make a date. It's really rare that kids just hang out anymore.

I have never seen Valerie's parents either before or after school. She only lives a few houses away so I'm guessing she walks on her own. (Good for her!) I'm going to start paying a bit more attention to see if I can introduce myself and try to dissuade Mo for a week or two while I try to make an inroad. We have so much stuff going on right now that I should be able to distract him pretty easily.

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@boomerang,

boomerang wrote:

The whole playdate thing drives me a little crazy because, like you, we just played without having to make a date. It's really rare that kids just hang out anymore.

off the subject a little, but this play date thing is something I don't really get either.

It makes me wonder what this is going to do as far as the gift of spontaneity when these kids become adults.

play dates, organized after school activities, planned activities at school, etc etc. seems geared to take all the surprise out of things.

What do the kids who never get invited on play dates do? Just be alone all the time?

Honestly? I found it a little weird when you were saying you and mo were thinking up a list of things to do for what, the 3 or so (if that) hours she'd be visiting? An informal, "when susie comes over, after you play leggos, maybe we can go get slurpees if she wants to." seems about right. then taking it from there.

Play date. That just sounds so....unplayful. Like something for both the parents and the kids to put into their blackberries, with the notation "re: having fun"

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I completely agree, chai.

But that is the way it is.

A few weekends ago Mo and the kid across the street just hung out on his front porch goofing off for hours. It was great. BUT (you knew there was going to be a but) he can't come to our house because we have pets and he has allergies and he can't have a snack because they don't eat wheat or dairy. And this, and that, and the other.

On that same weekend Mo party crashed a playdate next door and I heard the girl ask her dad "Did you invite him?" and the dad said "No. He just showed up to play. So go play." Later the playdate kids said something to Mo about how he hadn't been invited which totally pissed off the dad who then sent everyone home.

It's a whole new world out there.

Seriously, if you want free range play you have to go to the free range -- a park or a play ground and you'll still come across kids that try to keep other kids out of their play circle.

Its completely bizarre.

As to my Friday playdate arranging, it started at the advice of the therapist Mo was seeing when he was having such a hard time intergrating into the new neighborhood and school. And it has helped him make new friends.

Outside of that, this whole playdate concept sucks.

1 Reply

@boomerang,

boomerang wrote:

I don't know how old you are, David, but I can assure you things have changed.

Nobody allows their kid to carry around a gun like you did, either!

The whole playdate thing drives me a little crazy because, like you, we just played without having to make a date. It's really rare that kids just hang out anymore.

I have never seen Valerie's parents either before or after school. She only lives a few houses away so I'm guessing she walks on her own.
(Good for her!) I'm going to start paying a bit more attention to see if I can introduce myself and try to dissuade Mo for a week or two while I try to make an inroad. We have so much stuff going on right now that I should be able to distract him pretty easily.

Yeah; I saw something that I deemed strange, around maybe 18 years ago.
I was scheduled to host my fine dining group at Tavern on the Green
in Central Park at 7:30 PM; a strikingly beautiful place. I fell asleep.
I awoke and was very alarmed that I was going to be late; most embarassing !
I raced over there as fast as possible.
On the way, something seemed slightly, subtly odd.
I did not understand what.

I got there around 7:20
and discovered that it was 7:20 AM.

So there I was at a very odd time of the morning.
I had not been out at that time for years and decades, and I saw
something strange: many, many children being led by the hand,
by adults (their parents?); maybe to school ?

When we were that age,
no one was escorted to school; unheard of.

David

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chai,
play dates are necessary when the kids live a few miles apart and have no means to get to their friends house alone. We used to have a built-in play date next door where ringing the door bell was all that needed to be done, but the boy
moved away and all my daughter's other friends don't live in walking distance.

So naturally one has to arrange to drive the kid to their friends and to make
sure that's convenient for them, one needs to arrange it beforehand.

1 Reply

@boomerang,

boomerang wrote:

I completely agree, chai.

But that is the way it is.

A few weekends ago Mo and the kid across the street just hung out on his front porch goofing off for hours. It was great. BUT (you knew there was going to be a but) he can't come to our house because we have pets and he has allergies and he can't have a snack because they don't eat wheat or dairy. And this, and that, and the other.

On that same weekend Mo party crashed a playdate next door and I heard the girl ask her dad "Did you invite him?" and the dad said "No. He just showed up to play. So go play." Later the playdate kids said something to Mo about how he hadn't been invited which totally pissed off the dad who then sent everyone home.

It's a whole new world out there.

Seriously, if you want free range play you have to go to the free range -- a park or a play ground and you'll still come across kids that try to keep other kids out of their play circle.

Its completely bizarre.

As to my Friday playdate arranging, it started at the advice of the therapist Mo was seeing when he was having such a hard time intergrating into the new neighborhood and school. And it has helped him make new friends.

Outside of that, this whole playdate concept sucks.

So WHAT HAPPENED ?

How did playdates come into being ?
Vastly widespread paranoia of predatory criminals and unarmed victims ?

In the early 1980s, my girlfriend and her 4 year old daughter lived with me.
There r no kids around here, but if she had friends with whom she chose to fraternize,
I 'd have expected to her to freely do so
(tho I gave it no thought).

1 Reply

@OmSigDAVID,

Quote:

So WHAT HAPPENED ?

How did playdates come into being ?

Women went into the workforce in large numbers.

It's not a bad thing overall and no way do I want to go backwards in time to when women were expected to be stay-at-home moms and didn't have many other options. But if there is any one answer, that's it.

There just isn't a critical mass of people who are at home to keep an eye on things in a general way. And a lot of parents work and have their kids in childcare. This means that even kids who are in the vicinity geographically often aren't home during prime play periods (after school --> dinner).

It becomes self-perpetuating, too. Since there aren't many kids in our immediate area during the day, I schedule sozlet for more stuff, which means that she's less available if someone does happen to just come over.

That said, we're getting to the point where kids arrange ad-hoc playdates -- instead of parents organizing everything, a friend calls sozlet and asks if she can come over and play (like, immediately), sozlet asks me, I give the go-ahead (unless there is a schedule conflict, which has been rare), and she's off. I like that a lot better and am happy that things are going that direction.

I missed the activity part of the original question -- I don't think that's necessary, just set 'em loose and they'll find something to do. Wii seems to be a good back-up if nothing else is gelling, and you have that right?

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Play dates with girls.....

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