@Solve et Coagula,
Hello, I know it's been a while since this text was posted, but I just found it now, so....
I've been living a different story with him (less intense), that's why I started to search on internet and books for answer, and that's when I come up with your text, I read all of it and I truly liked, I don't know if this is the answer that I've been looking for, but I understand it, as I say my "experience" was/is a bit different, and I would like to share it:
I just feel this strange need of he (Lucifer) be good, like if I don't want to believe that he's Satan/the devil. I did some research and found that some people believe that he's just a fallen angel, some believe that he doesn't even exist (there's only Satan, who was evil since the beginning) what kinda make sense, Jesus say that Satan was murderous and liar since the BEGINNING, and second what people believe he, Satan was an angel(Lucifer) good and perfect in the BEGINNING, so it's a bit contradictory. For some reason it just made me happy read about this, cause I don't want him to be Satan, I don't want him to perish in hell forever and ever, I'm not talking about Satan, I'm talking about Lucifer, the angel, supposing that he exist, and I want he exist, I feel a weird emptiness when I think that he doesn't exist (and deep down I feel he does exists). Sad, thinking that he could be Satan and for so is doomed to hell for all eternity, and if this is the case I keep wishing that was a way of he redeem himself and as I read once that maybe the forever in the bible it's mean a long, long, long time, and after this he will redeem himself and back home; but I just feel that he's not Satan, or maybe I just want to believe so. I feel that I know him, "him" not as in his face, in fact I couldn't never see his face (in my mind) but "him" as in his soul, but it's like if wasn't me me, as if was my soul, as if my soul knew his, sometimes I just get tired of think about this, search about it, worry about and I just think "what the hell am I doing? why I'm doing this? why it's so important to me?" and I think in stop doing all this, but something, inside me don't let me, is as if was important to my soul, but not to me, its complicated I know. That's the thing I feel a need of him be good and exist, I feel as if my soul knows his and even a bit, maybe connected with him. Once again I'm not talking about Satan, evil, or whatever, I love God (and I know there will be people that gonna say "you don't love God for real, if you loved God for real... blah blah" for those people: don't bother yourselves, you guys don't know what is in my heart ) and this is all about an angel, I just want, 'need' him, Lucifer to be good. I don't know why, I don't know if there's something wrong with me or if I'm been tricked, if I'm crazy or what. All I know it's in some kinda of way he warm my soul, and I feel connected with him, even that I have never experience a contact with him, I can't tell since when exactly those feeling lies inside me, if it's since forever or what, but that I'm conscious about it's since 2013/14 in that time I was afraid, my mind wasn't open, I was stuck in what I was taught, but the feeling was there, a connection and attraction for him. I pretended those feeling wasn't there, pretended I was 'normal' for a while, but then, now I decided to search about, after talk to my best friend, open my mind a little I finally embraced those feelings, although I still have my doubts about it. And as my friend say I show symptoms of someone who is in love (but I feel more like if was my soul "in love") maybe it's this, just this, maybe it's something else, I don't think this is a sin, cause love, doesn't matter from who/what comes doesn't matter towards who/what is, can't be a sin. Love it's not a sin. But who knows? Maybe it's a sin and I'm doomed to hell, I don't think there's nothing I can't do about, those feeling are here and doesn't matter what I do or how long it's pass, they remain here, so... I guess it's this, I just felt need to share this, knowing that there will be those that gonna judge and crucify me (I don't care) but also hoping that you or someone that read this might have some answer or just understand me or I don't know... hahaha this is.