0
   

short story for correction

 
 
Reply Sun 22 Feb, 2009 01:01 pm
Could some member please correct the following short story for me?
Many thanks.

One day, Nicole, a little girl, was walking home and eating an ice-cream cone at the same time. She did not notice a banana skin on the ground. She stepped on it and fell down heavily. Her knee was wounded.

She cried, “Help! Help! My knee is bleeding. Someone help me, please.” But nobody was around!.

About three minutes later, she could hardly get up. She was very sad. A short while later, with much difficulty, she forced herself to get up and trudged home. When she opened the door, her mother was upset when she saw that she was injured. She quickly washed the wound and took her to the clinic in a taxi. The doctor cleansed the wound, gave her an injection, prescribed some medicine, and gave her two days of medical leave.

After her mother had paid the bill to the clinic assistant, collected the medicine and the medical certificate, they took a taxi home.
  • Topic Stats
  • Top Replies
  • Link to this Topic
Type: Question • Score: 0 • Views: 795 • Replies: 8
No top replies

 
solipsister
 
  1  
Reply Sun 22 Feb, 2009 06:05 pm
@tanguatlay,
what happened to the ice cream
0 Replies
 
spendius
 
  1  
Reply Sun 22 Feb, 2009 06:36 pm
Little girls don't trudge.
tanguatlay
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 Feb, 2009 08:21 am
@spendius,
Could some member please go through the story and edit it for me? I think the comments are not so helpful. I, a non-native, would prefer amendments done to the story so that my English can improve.

Many thanks in advance.
spendius
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 Feb, 2009 08:36 am
@tanguatlay,
It's a complex business tangy. What you should do is read a lot of short stories written by experts and study how they go about the matter.

There is no easy route. Like any skill you need to apprentice yourself for a period of years. If you haven't the patience for that you might be as well forgetting about writing short stories.
tanguatlay
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 Feb, 2009 10:59 am
@spendius,
Thanks, Spendius.

It is not about my writing short stories. The story is written by my daughter, a Grade 2 student. I am only helping her to improve her English.

Therefore, I would be grateful if you or some other member could go through the piece of writing which I've corrected and let me know if I've failed to spot any errors.

Best wishes.
0 Replies
 
spendius
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 Feb, 2009 11:50 am
@tanguatlay,
Well- I beg your pardon.

There is very little I can see wrong with it from a grammatical point of view. It is quite proficient for what I assume is a 12 year old and writing in a second language.

The problem for me is that it rather casts the young female into victim mode and at the mercy of the mother and the experts in the guise of the doctor and the taxi driver. She does seem to be getting cosseted.

So I would discourage that type of theme if I was her teacher because it won't be long before she has to fend for herself in the nasty world where banana skins are thick on the ground.

I would recommend your daughter be encouraged to read stories about more independent minded young girls. I'm sure your local librarian will be able to suggest some things suitable. I have never read the What Katie Did and What Katie Did Next series but I've been told they might be useful.

But good luck just the same.
tanguatlay
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 Feb, 2009 12:56 pm
@spendius,
Thanks, Spendius. You need not have apologised. You were giving me good advice.

I'm glad that there are no grammatical errors.

I understand that reading will improve her ability to write better. However, the problem is she does not like to read. That's why I've to guide her to the best of my ability, which may not be good enough to a native speaker.

That's why I need native speakers like you to help me.

Thanks again.

spendius
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 Feb, 2009 06:55 pm
@tanguatlay,
You're welcome.

Find her something she is interested in. Even comics. Princess stories are popular with girls. But patience is required. And understanding. Don't push too hard. She needs to read for herself rather than to please adults.

0 Replies
 
 

Related Topics

What inspired you to write...discuss - Discussion by lostnsearching
It floated there..... - Discussion by Letty
Small Voices - Discussion by Endymion
Rockets Red Glare - Discussion by edgarblythe
Short Story: Wilkerson's Tank - Discussion by edgarblythe
The Virtual Storytellers Campfire - Discussion by cavfancier
1st Annual Able2Know Halloween Story Contest - Discussion by realjohnboy
Literary Agents (a resource for writers) - Discussion by Craven de Kere
 
  1. Forums
  2. » short story for correction
Copyright © 2024 MadLab, LLC :: Terms of Service :: Privacy Policy :: Page generated in 0.05 seconds on 02/24/2024 at 04:47:13