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short story for correction

 
 
Reply Wed 11 Feb, 2009 12:11 pm
Hi everybody

Could some member/members go through the short story and correct any errors found in it?


Many thanks in advance.

One sunny day, my father suggested going to the beach. My brother and I were happy to hear that, as we had not been to the beach for a long time. My father drove Mum and us there.

On reaching our destination, all of us went to look for a spot to put our things. We found one under a shady tree. Then Father, Sister and I went to the changing room to change into our swimming suits. Then we went for a swim. My father taught us how to swim. We had a wonderful time learning how to swim. About half an hour later, I told Father that I had enough of swimming. We left the beach and went back to where Mother was. She was reading a novel under a shady tree.

Soon it was time for lunch. We ate the food that Mother had cooked at home. After we had eaten, Father decided to stay with Mum, and read the newspaper which she had brought from home.

Sister and I strolled along the beach to look for a spot to make a sandcastle. Having found a spot, both of us worked together to make a sandcastle. We were very satisfied when we had finished building the sandcastle because it looked beautiful.

By then it was evening, so Father said it was time for us to go home. My brother and sister were so tired that we dozed off in the car on the way home.

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tanguatlay
 
  1  
Reply Wed 11 Feb, 2009 10:29 pm
@tanguatlay,
Hi everybody

I've found some inconsistencies/errors in my earlier post, and as the time for editing was over, this supersedes the earlier post.

Could some member/members go through the short story and correct the errors?

Many thanks in advance.


One sunny day, my father suggested going to the beach. Brother and I were happy to hear that, as we had not been to the beach for a long time. Father drove Mum and us there.

On reaching our destination, all of us went to look for a spot to put our things. We found one under a shady tree. Then Father, Sister and I went to the changing room to change into our swimming suits. Then we went for a swim. My father taught us how to swim. We had a wonderful time learning how to swim. About half an hour later, I told Father that I had enough of swimming. We left the beach and went back to where Mother was. She was engrossed a novel.

Soon it was time for lunch. We ate the food that Mother had cooked at home. After we had eaten, Father decided to stay with Mum, and read the newspaper which she had brought from home.

Sister and I strolled along the beach to look for a spot to make a sandcastle. Having found a spot, both of us worked together to make a sandcastle. We were very satisfied when we had finished building the sandcastle because it looked beautiful.

By then it was evening, so Father said it was time for us to go home. Brother and sister were so tired that we dozed off in the car on the way home.
Butrflynet
 
  1  
Reply Wed 11 Feb, 2009 11:01 pm
@tanguatlay,
How about if you go through it and do some editing based on the many suggestions that have already been given for improving the writing. I am seeing the same general problems in the writing repeated again in this one. You've already shown that you are capable of understanding what is wrong and making these edits for your son.

To save time, I'll just copy what I wrote in a previous advisory:

Quote:
The writing has similar problems as others in the past. There is a bit of improvement, but your son still needs instruction on crafting more complex compound sentences that contain multiple thoughts. The short, choppy ones that detail out specific redundant steps in the narrative do not make very interesting reading.
tanguatlay
 
  1  
Reply Wed 11 Feb, 2009 11:28 pm
@Butrflynet,
Hi Butrflynet

Thanks for your reminding of the repetitions of some of the words. I've gone through the composition, spotted and amended some errors and remove the words repeated as much as I thought necessary.

I hope it is now a better piece of writing and look forward to your comments.

Thanks very much indeed for your constructive comment and help.

Best wishes.


One sunny day, Father suggested going to the beach. Brother and I were happy to hear that, as we had not been there for a long time. Father drove Mum and us our destination.

On reaching the place, all of us went to look for a spot to put our things. We found one under a shady tree. Then Father, Sister and I went to the changing room to change into our swimming suits. Then we went for a swim. Father taught us how to do it the correct way. We had a wonderful time learning how to swim. About half an hour later, I told Father that I was tired. We went back to where Mother was. She was engrossed in a novel.

Soon it was time for lunch. We ate the food that Mother had cooked at home. After we had eaten our meal, Father decided to stay with Mum, and read the newspaper which she had brought from home.

Sister and I strolled along the beach to look for a spot to make a sandcastle. Having found a spot, both of us worked together to make one. We were very satisfied when we had finished building what we set out to do because it looked beautiful.

By then it was evening, so Father said it was time for us to go home. Sister were I were so tired that we dozed off in the car on the way home.
Butrflynet
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 Feb, 2009 12:06 am
@tanguatlay,
Here's my rewrite of it. I'll leave it to you to observe what was rewritten and why. By the way, check the references to a brother and a sister in the story. They seem to be mixed up a bit. The first paragraph refers to a brother while the other paragraphs refer to a sister.

Quote:
One sunny day, my brother and I were happy to hear our father suggest he drive us to the beach because we hadn't been there for a long time.

Upon reaching the shore, we found a shady spot for our picnic. Mother read her book in the cool shade under the tree while the rest of us went to change into our swimming suits. Father gave us a swimming lesson by demonstrating the correct stroke. We had a wonderful time practicing it with him. A half hour later, my father, sister and I returned to the shaded spot to keep Mother company and eat the food Mother had prepared for our picnic.

After lunch, my sister and I strolled along the beach searching for the perfect spot to build a sandcastle. The finished castle was beautiful!

As the sun was setting, father said it was time to go home. The fun day at the beach wore out my sister and me so much that we dozed in the car on the way home.
tanguatlay
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 Feb, 2009 02:38 am
@Butrflynet,
Many thanks, Butrflynet, for your rewriting of my composition. I wish I could write like you. Crying or Very sad
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