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Please correct my composition.

 
 
Reply Sun 8 Feb, 2009 10:33 am
Hi everybody

Could someone please correct the composition for me.


One dark, cold and rainy night, I ran into my house, drenched from head to toe. I looked out of the window, watching the rain pour from the sky. It was a wonderful sight.

Mum told me to have a warm shower as I was all wet. I took her advice and headed for the bathroom straightaway. After the shower, I ran down to the living room. I turned on the television and was soon enjoying my favourite cartoons programme. My happiness was short-lived because I had hardly watched the programme for fifteen minutes when the television screen became dark. Soon I could see smoke coming from the back of the television which disappeared as soon as it came.

I told Mum that the television was out of order and that I had seen smoke coming out from the back of the television. She told me that she would ask Father to try to fix it. After taking a close look, Father said the television was beyond repair as certain parts in the television set had been burnt.

“I’ll buy a new one tomorrow,” he said. I was very glad when I heard that because our existing television was bought many years ago.


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Type: Question • Score: 0 • Views: 1,774 • Replies: 5
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Frank Apisa
 
  1  
Reply Sun 8 Feb, 2009 10:51 am
Never sure if you are serious...or just someone having fun pulling everyone's leg.

But I will suppose that you are serious.

NO COMPOSITION IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE that begins with "One dark, cold and rainy night...” will ever provoke anything other than laughter...a derisive snicker form of laughter.

The expression “It was a dark and stormy night...” is a euphemism for trite, uninspired writing.

I never got past that first phrase.
0 Replies
 
solipsister
 
  2  
Reply Sun 8 Feb, 2009 08:31 pm
@tanguatlay,
The night was cold and dark. I ran into the house, drenched with rain. Fascinated, I watched the pouring rain thru the window.

Mum suggested I have a warm shower. I took her advice then went down to the living room to watch my favourite cartoon program. Fleeting pleasure turned to alarm as the screen went blank, smoke billowing from the back of the television.

(if the smoke disappeared as soon as it came you wouldn't have seen it)

I told Mum what had happened and she called Dad to come and fix it. Dad said the picture tube had blown and it was beyond repair.

"I'll buy a new one tomorrow" he said.

I was relieved that Dad took the incident so calmly but as he explained the set was quite old and likely to break down.

I went back to watching the rain and dreamt of a new tv.



tanguatlay
 
  1  
Reply Sun 8 Feb, 2009 09:40 pm
@solipsister,
Many thanks, Solipsister, for the corrrections and constructive comments.

Your amendments make the story more interesting, indeed.
0 Replies
 
Butrflynet
 
  1  
Reply Mon 9 Feb, 2009 12:07 am
@tanguatlay,
tanguatlay wrote:

Hi everybody

Could someone please correct the composition for me.


One dark, cold and rainy night, [redundant, if it is night time, it is dark.]I ran into my house, drenched from head to toe. I looked out of the window, watching the rain pour from the sky. It was a wonderful sight.

Mum told me to have a warm shower [see note 1] as I was all wet. I took her advice and headed for the bathroom straightaway. After the shower, I ran down to the living room. I turned on the television and was soon enjoying my favourite cartoons programme. My happiness was short-lived because I had hardly watched the programme for fifteen minutes when the television screen became dark. Soon I could see smoke coming from the back of the television which disappeared as soon as it came.

I told Mum that the television was out of order and that I had seen smoke coming out from the back of the television. She told me that she would ask Father to try to fix it. After taking a close look, Father said the television was beyond repair as certain parts in the television set had been burnt. [See note 2]

“I’ll buy a new one tomorrow,” he said. I was very glad when I heard that because our existing television was bought many years ago. [See note 2]



The writing has similar problems as others in the past. There is a bit of improvement, but your son still needs instruction on crafting more complex compound sentences that contain multiple thoughts. The short, choppy ones that detail out specific redundant steps in the narrative do not make very interesting reading.

Here's my revision of the story.

After running into my house one cold and rainy night, drenched from head to toe, I watched the pouring rain from the window. Mom urged me to have a warm shower and get into dry clothing. Taking her advice, I got a quick shower and change of clothes before running downstairs to enjoy my favorite cartoon program on the television.

Fifteen minutes later my enjoyment came to an abrupt end with the screen going dark and a puff of smoke coming from the back of the television.

Reporting the trouble to Mum, she said she would ask Father to fix it. Father had a look and said the television had shorted out and was beyond repair so he would buy a new one tomorrow. This was good news since he bought our existing television many years ago.



Note 1

Comma Use
If the phrase beginning with "as" explains a situation, separate that phrase with a comma.



Instead of: The sales report is important as we want to monitor sales.
Consider: The sales report is important, as we want to monitor sales.


Instead of: The horse could not run as it was lame.
Consider: The horse could not run, as it was lame.


Note 2

Passive Voice
For a livelier and more persuasive sentence, consider rewriting your sentence using an active verb (the subject performs the action, as in "The ball hit Catherine") rather than a passive verb (the subject receives the action, as in "Catherine was hit by the ball"). If you rewrite with an active verb, consider what the appropriate subject is - "they," "we," or a more specific noun or pronoun.



Instead of: Juanita was delighted by Michelle.
Consider: Michelle delighted Juanita.


Instead of: Eric was given more work.
Consider: The boss gave Eric more work.


Instead of: The garbage needs to be taken out.
Consider: You need to take the garbage out.
tanguatlay
 
  1  
Reply Mon 9 Feb, 2009 07:04 am
@Butrflynet,
Many thanks for your constructive comments and the re-write of the composition. Smile
0 Replies
 
 

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