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short passage for correction.

 
 
Reply Sun 11 Jan, 2009 12:23 pm
Hi everybody

Could someone please go through this short passage and edit it for me.

Many thanks in advance.


How do worms get into apples? They are born there! In the middle of summer, when apples are growing on the trees, female flies lay their eggs inside some of the fruit. The eggs hatch into tiny worms called larvae, which begin eating the apples. If you bite into these apples, you will find worms. If no one picks the apples, they fall off the trees in the autumn. The larvae crawl out and bury themselves in the ground. A hard skin forms around every one of them. The next summer, a fly comes out of the skin.
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Butrflynet
 
  2  
Reply Sun 11 Jan, 2009 12:33 pm
@tanguatlay,
tanguatlay wrote:

Hi everybody

Could someone please go through this short passage and edit it for me.

Many thanks in advance.


How do worms get into apples? They are born there! In the middle of summer, when apples are growing on the trees, female flies lay their eggs inside some of the fruit. The eggs hatch into tiny worms called larvae, which begin eating the apples. If you bite into these apples, you will find worms. If no one picks the apples, they fall off the trees in the autumn. The larvae crawl out and bury themselves in the ground. A hard skin forms around every one of them. The next summer, a fly comes out of the skin.


Very good! I don't find anything I'd correct or change other than in the sentence "A hard skin forms around every one of them." It is unclear what the "them" is so you might want to think of another descriptive term for worm and replace the word "them." You could also just combine the two sentences and leave the word "them." The larvae crawl out and bury themselves in the ground with a hard skin forming around every one of them.
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Butrflynet
 
  2  
Reply Sun 11 Jan, 2009 12:35 pm
I think this is the best passage I've read so far. It shows that a very good effort was made in choosing and editing the words in the story. No redundancy, it is concise and enjoyable to read.
tanguatlay
 
  1  
Reply Mon 12 Jan, 2009 12:57 pm
@Butrflynet,
Many thanks, Butrflynet, for your encouragement. Very Happy
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