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Short passage for correction

 
 
Reply Sat 3 Jan, 2009 08:30 am
Hi fellow members

Please go through this short passage and correct it for me. Many thanks in advance.

A desert is a very dry place. Animals that live there cannot always find water. However, many small desert animals do not have to drink any water.. They get water they need by eating desert plants which have water stored in them.
During the day, most desert animals stay underground or in the shade. The hot sun would make them sweat and they would lose much of the water in their bodies. To overcomes this problem, these animals come out at night when the desert is cool and so they do not sweat.
The camel must drink water. But once it has drunk, it can go on for days without drinking any more. Its body can store a lot of water. It can stay out in the hot sun because it sweats very little and therefore it hardly loses any of the water in its body.
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Butrflynet
 
  2  
Reply Sun 4 Jan, 2009 03:54 pm
A desert is a very dry place. Animals that live there cannot always find water. However, many small desert animals do not have to drink any water.. [delete one period] They get water they need by eating desert plants which [see note 1] have water stored in them.

During the day, most desert animals stay underground or in the shade. The hot sun would make them sweat and they would lose much of the water in their bodies. To overcomes [see note 2] this problem, these animals come out at night when the desert is cooler and [delete the word AND] so they do not sweat.

The camel must drink water. But [see note 3] once it has drunk, it can go on for days without drinking any more. Its body can store a lot of water. It can stay out in the hot sun because it sweats very little and therefore it hardly loses any of the water in its body.


Note 1

"That" or "Which"
If these words are not essential to the meaning of your sentence, use "which" and separate the words with a comma.



Instead of: I have a great book which you can borrow for your vacation.
Consider: I have a great book, which you can borrow for your vacation.
Or consider: I have a great book that you can borrow for your vacation.


Instead of: We want to buy the photo which Harry took.
Consider: We want to buy the photo, which Harry took.
Or consider: We want to buy the photo that Harry took.

Note 2


Verb Form
If you are forming an infinitive, use the base verb form after "to."



Instead of: To captured a larger market share will be challenging.
Consider: To capture a larger market share will be challenging.


Instead of: She wanted to sat down.
Consider: She wanted to sit down.

Note 3

Beginning of Sentence
Although sentences beginning with "and," "but," "or," or "plus" may be used informally, use the suggested replacement for a more formal or traditional tone.



Instead of: Plus regional sales are up this quarter.
Consider: In addition, regional sales are up this quarter.
Or consider: Moreover, regional sales are up this quarter.


Instead of: But we could go to the movies.
Consider: Nevertheless, we could go to the movies.
Or consider: However, we could go the movies.

Revised:

A desert is a very dry place. Animals that live there cannot always find water. However, many small desert animals do not have to drink any water. They get water they need by eating desert plants that have water stored in them.

During the day, most desert animals stay underground or in the shade. The hot sun would make them sweat and they would lose much of the water in their bodies. To overcome this problem, these animals come out at night when the desert is cooler so they do not sweat.

The camel must drink water. However, once it has drunk, it can go on for days without drinking any more. Its body can store a lot of water. It can stay out in the hot sun because it sweats very little and therefore it hardly loses any of the water in its body.
tanguatlay
 
  1  
Reply Sun 4 Jan, 2009 06:40 pm
@Butrflynet,
Hi Butrflynet

I'm indeed grateful to you for the corrections and constructive comments.

Sorry about 'To overcomes". It was a careless mistake.

Many thanks again. Smile Very Happy
0 Replies
 
SallyMander
 
  2  
Reply Tue 6 Jan, 2009 08:47 pm
@tanguatlay,
Hi,

I read through your passage and I think you should process it more and THEN "correct" it yourself or re-post. I will make these suggestions now:

1. Your "passage" is about animals managing water in the (dry) desert. You develop three aspects: getting water, conserving water, and storing water. If you agree with that, group all the sentences or content in what you posted (you may have to break up a combined sentence) into those three categories.

2. Then write a topic sentence that overviews this relationship between life and water, and three ways animals resolve it (naming each, in whatever order).

3. Organize your three categorized groups into paragraphs, in the order you set out in your topic sentence.

4. Reread what you wrote critically. The issue is content. Add, subtract, adjust, rewrite, reorganize accordingly. A topic sentence for each paragraph that sums up or leads into the general content would help your reader. A conclusion takes the reader back to the general topic--animals and water--and sums up what you had to say about it.

5. Now, after you have done steps 1-4, you can "go over" what you wrote and "correct" it. You could do it by yourself, using a dictionary, grammar site on the web or grammar book, and even a thesaurus if you like. OR, you could post it to this site. Writing is not w-r-i-t-i-n-g, and there's little point in correcting writing if the structure/organization and thought has not gone into it as a process of communicating something worth reading. You've started out fine. It's just not ready for "correcting" yet. You can learn something about your subject and thinking and writing by thinking of it as more of a process. Good luck!

-Sal
tanguatlay
 
  1  
Reply Tue 6 Jan, 2009 10:16 pm
@SallyMander,
Thanks for your advice, SallyMander.

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