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composition for correction

 
 
Reply Fri 12 Dec, 2008 04:52 am
Hi everybody

Could someone go through this short composition and correct any errors found? I would appreciate any suggestions to improve the composition. Many thanks in advance for your help.


Sunny was a very greedy boy who loved to eat fried food. One day, when he was walking home from school, he passed a roadside stallholder sellingt curry puffs. He was so hungry that he did not bother about the flies hovering over the curry puffs and bought five of the curry puffs.

While he was walking home, he was busily enjoying his curry puffs. When he reached home, he had no appetite for the lunch, which his mother had prepared for him. His mother was very puzzled as he never missed the lunch she had prepared for him. She asked him why he did not want to have lunch. Sunny lied that it was because he felt unwell after walking home in the hot sun.

A few hours later, Sunny felt giddy and started vomiting. His mother immediately took him to a clinic by taxi. She took along a few plastic bags in case her son vomited. Fortunately, he did not.

When they reached the clinic, there were a few patients. Soon Sunny had the urge to vomit, and his mother quickly opened one of the plastic bags for him to vomit into. After that, she quickly disposed of the plastic bag in a rubbish bin in the toilet of the clinic.

When his turn came, Sunny and his mother entered the consultation room. The doctor, after examining Sunny, told his mother that Sunny was suffering from food poisoning. Sunny's mother asked him what he had eaten before he returned home. He confessed to eating curry puffs whch he had bought from a roadside stallholder.

The doctor prescribed Sunny some medicine and asked him not to patronise roadside stalls any more as the food they sold was usually exposed to flies. Sunny nodded and promised to heed the doctor's advice. After his mother had paid the clinic assistant for the medicine,, she went to a coffee shop with Sunny to buy a glass of water so that Sunny could take the medicine straightaway. After that, they went home in a taxi.

When they were on the way home, Sunny felt much better.He was no longer giddy and he did not vomit.. He was glad that his mother had given him the medicine to take before they left for home. He vowed to himself not to eat food sold by roadside stallholders.


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aidan
 
  2  
Reply Fri 12 Dec, 2008 11:52 am
@tanguatlay,
I just changed a few things - some of the wording was repetitive at the beginning of your piece, but I liked the simplicity of the tone and word choice very much, so I didn't change very much. I enjoyed reading about Sunny the greedy boy who loved to eat fried food - I think that was a wonderful opening sentence - it drew me right in.


Sunny was a very greedy boy who loved to eat fried food. One day, when he was walking home from school, he passed a roadside stallholder selling curry puffs. He was so hungry that he did not bother about the flies hovering over the curry puffs and bought five.

As he walked home, he busily enjoyed his curry puffs. When he reached home, he had no appetite for the lunch his mother had prepared for him. His mother was very puzzled as he never missed the lunch she prepared for him. She asked him why he did not want to have lunch. Sunny lied, and said that it was because he felt unwell after walking home in the hot sun.

A few hours later, Sunny felt giddy and started vomiting. His mother immediately took him to a clinic by taxi. She took along a few plastic bags in case her son vomited. Fortunately, he did not.

When they reached the clinic, there were a few patients. Soon Sunny had the urge to vomit, and his mother quickly opened one of the plastic bags for him to vomit into. After that, she quickly disposed of the plastic bag in a rubbish bin in the toilet of the clinic.

When his turn came, Sunny and his mother entered the consultation room. The doctor, after examining Sunny, told his mother that Sunny was suffering from food poisoning. Sunny's mother asked him what he had eaten before he returned home. He confessed to eating curry puffs whch he had bought from a roadside stallholder.

The doctor prescribed Sunny some medicine and asked him not to patronise roadside stalls any more as the food they sold was usually exposed to flies. Sunny nodded and promised to heed the doctor's advice. After his mother had paid the clinic assistant for the medicine, she went to a coffee shop with Sunny to buy a glass of water so that Sunny could take the medicine straightaway. After that, they went home in a taxi.

When they were on the way home, Sunny felt much better.He was no longer giddy and he did not vomit.. He was glad that his mother had given him the medicine to take before they left for home. He vowed to himself not to eat food sold by roadside stallholders.

tanguatlay
 
  1  
Reply Fri 12 Dec, 2008 12:26 pm
@aidan,
Many thanks, Aidan, for editing my compostion.

I'm glad that you like the composition. I'll be posting some more compositions every now and then and look forward to your guidance.

With warmest wishes.
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