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Mon 22 Sep, 2003 11:12 pm
Hi again. I'm sure there is some rule about not putting a bunch of poems in a single thread like this but ah well.......sorry.
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sometimes I feel
the entity which binds us still
with loving compassion
it cries for her children
where did i go wrong
when was I in the right
what the **** makes this a song
Scorched earth and grey skies
the smoke fades as the fire dies
take a knee, smell the aroma
destiny is a coma
death abounds
with life all around
poisoned trees
abandoned dreams
The Judge sits and grins
with crooked teeth and wicked eyes
reviewing our mental sins
you'll be lucky to get out alive
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Sweet summer attire
blue velvet satire
frost is falling
slowly building
the house upon the sand
this episode is getting older
and I am to
death is eating me
from the inside
my greatest fear
is staying here
i must leave this place
no matter the cost
no matter whats lost
we'll break through together
or lie still forever
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When I feel this way
I want to pray
but without Faith
I've got nothing to say
something is in the way
that blinds me still today
tuck myself into a fetus
how could we let them beat us
void of sound
eyes shut tight
hug myself
gasping for light
rug burned knees
bleeding eyes
ash tray trash
last minute gash
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We have no where to go
I feel so alone
caught in the landscape
looking for something to say
I had no idea
in my mother's womb
that it was simply
my natural tomb
seek and destroy
self destructive void
let it all out
my silent shout
scream scream scream scream scream
Do anything you want
take anything you need
something will come
to take your lead
just a quick side note. When I write I try to be as blunt as I can without sounding like a 10 year old. To put across raw emotion i dont think it's best to wrap it up into a complicated riddle. What do yall think of this style? Does it come off as unintelligent? Or am I simply not very good at writing? Honesty is appreciated. Thanks...
Raw does have a teen poet stigma.
I liked one part: womb = tomb
That was clever but the rest comes across as frenetic and not a poetic frenetic. Make it less "raw". "Rawness" is overrated. It sounds good to say words like "expression" and "true feelings" but frankly there are millions of people. Most don't care about one guy/gal's feelings at all. If it doesn't read well they won't.
So ultimately, if you want the expression to be read your priority should be on readability and not "rawness".
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