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correction of passage

 
 
Reply Mon 24 Nov, 2008 09:35 pm
Hi fellow members

Please edit the following passage for me and help me improve on it.

Many thanks in advance.

One fine sunny Sunday afternoon, Mr and Mrs Lee took their sons, Jacky and Dawn, to a picturesque seaside to have a picnic. As the seaside was far away from their home, Mr Lee drove them there.

When they arrived at their destination, Jacky and Dawn were too impatient to wait, so they took their swimsuits and rushed into the changing room to change. After that, they hopped into the sea. In the meantime, their parents laid the mat with fried rice, two bottles of Sprite, a chocolate cake and some sandwiches. Mr Lee then tuned the radio to class 21 for his wife. Meanwhile, Mrs Lee went to buy a copy of newspaper for her husband. While Mr Lee read the newspaper, his wife listened to the radio.

After about twenty minutes, the two boys were hungry and went back to the beach to have some food. They ate the delicious fried rice before eating the sweet chocolate cake and sandwiches which were prepared by Mrs Lee. Jack liked the taste of the cake and sandwiches and asked his mother, “How delicious! How did you do it?” Mrs Lee answered, “I used some baking powder and some fragrant ingredients. Mr Lee also joined in praising Mrs Lee for giving them such palatable food.

After their meal, it was half past six and Mr Lee suggested going home. They packed up and were soon on their way home. Mrs Lee promised to take them to the beach again. The children were happy on hearing that. They are now looking forward to the next trip.
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Type: Question • Score: 0 • Views: 714 • Replies: 11
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MontereyJack
 
  1  
Reply Tue 25 Nov, 2008 05:55 am
Dawn is a girl's name. Jacky can be either, but is now probably more often a girl's name as well, more often now spelled Jackie.
0 Replies
 
MontereyJack
 
  1  
Reply Tue 25 Nov, 2008 05:56 am
"buy a newspaper" or "buy a copy of A newspaper", not "buy a copy of newspaper"
tanguatlay
 
  1  
Reply Tue 25 Nov, 2008 06:35 am
@MontereyJack,
Many thanks, MontereyJack, for the corrections.

0 Replies
 
contrex
 
  1  
Reply Tue 25 Nov, 2008 12:31 pm
@tanguatlay,
Quote:
to a picturesque seaside

To a picturesque seaside place. Nobody says or writes "a seaside".

Quote:
rushed into the changing room to change.

Delete "to change". The reader knows, because of its name, why they went into the changing room.

Quote:
they hopped into the sea.

Unless they went on one leg, (why?) better to write that they ran into the sea.

tanguatlay
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Nov, 2008 07:18 am
@contrex,
Hi Contrex
to a picturesque seaside
To a picturesque seaside place. Nobody says or writes "a seaside".


Then how do I reword it? ... to the picturesque seaside. I don't think it is correct.

I would appreciate it very much if you could show me how to reword the expression.
contrex
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Nov, 2008 12:08 pm
@tanguatlay,
Quote:
Then how do I reword it? ... to the picturesque seaside. I don't think it is correct.

I would appreciate it very much if you could show me how to reword the expression.


I already did.

To a picturesque seaside place.
MontereyJack
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Nov, 2008 02:29 pm
to a picturesque beach?
contrex
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Nov, 2008 04:49 pm
@MontereyJack,
I think that "beach" in this context has these meanings

US English: Town or place by the sea, includes the sandy shore part.

UK English: strip of sand between the sea and the land.

MontereyJack
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Nov, 2008 08:45 pm
right about US, contrex. You know more about UK than I do, if you think it's more restrictive in context, I defer to you.
0 Replies
 
Setanta
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Nov, 2008 09:01 pm
@contrex,
Actually in the American language (and in Canadian usage, as well) "the beach" is any waterfront--it doesn't have to be the sea. When we have visited the waterfront of Lake Ontario, we say that we have been to the beach. If one went to a man-made lake, which lake had a swimming area, sand or no sad, most Americans would say that they intended to go to the beach--however, that is less common, and they would be as likely, or even more likely, to say they intended to go to the lake. However, if someone asked: "Oh? Are you going boating or fishing?"--the likely reply would be: "Oh, we're going to the beach," meaning going to swim.
0 Replies
 
tanguatlay
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Nov, 2008 10:39 pm
@contrex,
Hi Contrex

My apologies for missing the word 'place'. I must have been sleepy.
0 Replies
 
 

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