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An excerpt from my story "Lunch Lady Rapist"

 
 
Reply Sun 9 Nov, 2008 06:39 pm
Now before you read on, know that I have a very dark humor. If you can't laugh at rape, you probably don't want to read this. That being said, I'm around 19 and I've had a writer's block for some time, but absurd and morbid **** is pulling me back toward the pen, or the keyboard or whattever. Enjoy this excerpt:

And so I proclaimed,

"Squawking vermin, I will take you now!"

Her biting, clawing and writhing hinted at some subtle discontent for my boisterous prose. Nonetheless, I penetrated the old hag and proceeded to know her, eagerly testing the limits of her bashful rectum. Sweat dripped down my quivering digits, every nerve in my body convulsing from the sport of it all. Crusty and oh so calloused nipples rose from triangular bosoms and dripped some vestigial pus. Warts like barnacles clung to her salty, bloated frame and the old time maritime woman reeked of her passion. From ancient pores flowed arcane pastes, semi liquid aberrations known not to the young and well of health, who's origins, to be properly understood, would require a formidable feat of comprehension and the blackest leap of faith. Finally, after seventy two valiant thrusts I dismounted the screaming creature and it succumbed to a wide eyed, open jawed death. Alas, the old hag was not accustomed to such potent coitus.
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Type: Discussion • Score: 0 • Views: 2,304 • Replies: 20

 
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Sun 9 Nov, 2008 07:49 pm
@DeathMetal4tw,
Quote:
If you can't laugh at rape, you probably don't want to read this


I don't know anyone who would laugh at rape.

Enjoy this excerpt?
It's disgusting !
0 Replies
 
farmerman
 
  1  
Reply Mon 10 Nov, 2008 05:31 am
"IT PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN"

Sounds like we have a young "Buffalo Bill"
0 Replies
 
edgarblythe
 
  1  
Reply Mon 10 Nov, 2008 05:57 am
I knew better than to open this thread. Oh, well.
0 Replies
 
Gargamel
 
  1  
Reply Mon 10 Nov, 2008 10:33 am
@DeathMetal4tw,
DeathMetal4tw wrote:

Now before you read on, know that I have a very dark humor. If you can't laugh at rape, you probably don't want to read this. That being said, I'm around 19 and I've had a writer's block for some time, but absurd and morbid **** is pulling me back toward the pen, or the keyboard or whattever. Enjoy this excerpt:

And so I proclaimed,

"Squawking vermin, I will take you now!"

Her biting, clawing and writhing hinted at some subtle discontent for my boisterous prose. Nonetheless, I penetrated the old hag and proceeded to know her, eagerly testing the limits of her bashful rectum. Sweat dripped down my quivering digits, every nerve in my body convulsing from the sport of it all. Crusty and oh so calloused nipples rose from triangular bosoms and dripped some vestigial pus. Warts like barnacles clung to her salty, bloated frame and the old time maritime woman reeked of her passion. From ancient pores flowed arcane pastes, semi liquid aberrations known not to the young and well of health, who's origins, to be properly understood, would require a formidable feat of comprehension and the blackest leap of faith. Finally, after seventy two valiant thrusts I dismounted the screaming creature and it succumbed to a wide eyed, open jawed death. Alas, the old hag was not accustomed to such potent coitus.



Humor aside, your metaphors are unoriginal and superfluous adjectives crowd your lines. It reads like someone trying to be "literary."
0 Replies
 
Gargamel
 
  2  
Reply Mon 10 Nov, 2008 11:19 am
So my above post is kind of harsh. I think a better suggestion is, while I believe absolutely everything contains a streak of humor some people can see and some people cannot, and which some people choose to acknowledge and some do not, I don't believe that in this instance a detailed description of the rape is the way to acess the humor in your idea.

Make the story bigger. What psychological angle should you take? Do you take a psychoanalytical approach and epxlain what event in the rapist's youth now compels him to rape lunch ladies? That's a complete cliche, but cliches can be funny if treated properly.

Explore the story around the story.
0 Replies
 
joefromchicago
 
  3  
Reply Mon 10 Nov, 2008 12:03 pm
@DeathMetal4tw,
DeathMetal4tw wrote:
Enjoy this excerpt:

You're much too optimistic.
0 Replies
 
farmerman
 
  2  
Reply Mon 10 Nov, 2008 02:38 pm
Actually the line I said should have been
"It rubs the lotion on its skin" Its from SILENCE OF THE LAMBS--the musical.
DeathMetal4tw
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Nov, 2008 12:14 am
@farmerman,
THIS IS MADNESS!!!
0 Replies
 
DeathMetal4tw
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Nov, 2008 08:13 am
Are there non amongst your ranks to cheer me on?!
Gargamel
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Nov, 2008 09:13 am
@DeathMetal4tw,
Write on! May the LLR continue to violate stout women in hairnets with a trukey baster!
DeathMetal4tw
 
  1  
Reply Tue 25 Nov, 2008 10:52 pm
@Gargamel,
yay!
DeathMetal4tw
 
  1  
Reply Thu 5 Mar, 2009 12:15 am
@DeathMetal4tw,
Dude... No more comments?!
DeathMetal4tw
 
  1  
Reply Sat 22 Aug, 2009 04:24 pm
@DeathMetal4tw,
Unappreciated after all this time... This is certainly hell.
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Sat 22 Aug, 2009 04:36 pm
@DeathMetal4tw,
DeathMetal4tw wrote:

... This is certainly hell.


Good!
DeathMetal4tw
 
  1  
Reply Mon 24 Aug, 2009 05:31 pm
@CalamityJane,
Have mercy.
Gargamel
 
  1  
Reply Tue 25 Aug, 2009 08:39 am
@DeathMetal4tw,
DeathMetal4tw wrote:

Have mercy.


Hey, dude, you can't rest on your laurels. Where's the Lunch Lady Rapis Part II?
DeathMetal4tw
 
  1  
Reply Tue 25 Aug, 2009 10:45 pm
@Gargamel,
Are you serious...

If you want it, it will come. Do you really want it?
Gargamel
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Aug, 2009 08:49 am
@DeathMetal4tw,
Bring it on!
Green Witch
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Aug, 2009 08:52 am
@Gargamel,
Please don't encourage him. He needs to get back to the drive-thru window and hand me my iced coffee.
0 Replies
 
 

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