a giant quonset hut full of guinea pigs
World's Scientists Admit They Just Don't Like Mice
ZURICH, SWITZERLAND"Nearly 700 scientists representing 27 countries convened at the University of Zurich Monday to formally announce that their experimentation on mice has been motivated not by a desire to advance human knowledge, but out of sheer distaste for the furry little rodents.
"As a man of science, I deal with facts, and the fact is that mice are gross," said Dr. Douglas White, chair of the Oxford biogenetics department and lifelong mouse-hater. "They're squirmy, scurrying little vermin, and they make my skin crawl. I speak for all of my assembled colleagues when I say that the horrible little things deserve the worst we can dish out."
According to a 500-word statement, scientists hate mice for "their beady little eyes," "their repulsive tails," and "the annoying little squeaking sounds they make."
After applauding the scientists for coming forward, anthropologist Brent Wrigley suggested that the hatred of mice may be the single most important factor in the evolution of modern science.
"Despising mice may have pushed humanity out of the Stone Age," Wrigley said. "After all, the cave habitats of early man must have been infested with the horrific little monsters. The entire history of human advancement via the scientific method may be a byproduct of the higher forebrain's natural revulsion toward the nasty critters."
Mouse-killing isn't solely the province of organic and medical scientists. Many other scientists kill mice, as well.
"As a physicist, I don't really have much cause to use mice in my regular research, which mostly requires the use of theoretical math," said Dr. Thomas Huber, author of the 1996 study Mouse Elasticity And Kinetic Rebound In High-Acceleration Collisions. "But when I have the time, I like to send them flying into walls. Even just seeing them in a cage makes me feel kind of good inside. I like knowing I'm depriving them of their freedom, even if my research doesn't provide me the opportunity to cut them open."
"I hate those little fuckers," he added.
Dr. Kervorkian's hamster
Wait a minute... THAT'S a Guinea Pig!
