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HOW DO YOU HANDLE LIES ABOUT YOU THAT HURT?

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Foxfyre
 
Reply Tue 5 Aug, 2008 09:03 am
So awhile back I got a call from my No. 1 client who advised that I would not be able to do work for a certain company. Why? Somebody had accused me for arriving for an appointment and crying (weeping) during the entire time I was there.

Anybody who knows me knows how ludicrous this accusation was/is. My client has known me for many years and he knew there was no way the 'crying person' was me, but the company official believed it and, in this case, his opinion is the only one that counts.

The incident was not harmful to me financially as I have plenty of work without that one company. But it was frustrating and painful and embarrassing because there was absolutely no way I could defend myself or clear my name.

It was especially difficult because the company official who 'fired me' would not tell who had accused me.

So what is the best way to handle it when lies are told about you either professionally or socially to people who believe them? When you don't know who is telling the lies?
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eoe
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Aug, 2008 09:08 am
You can spin your wheels trying to snuff them out or focus on letting it go. I'm in that same situation right now myself and have decided to take the high road. My work and rep speaks for itself.
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BumbleBeeBoogie
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Aug, 2008 09:09 am
BBB
Do you know anyone else at that meeting who could support your denial of the false claim?

BBB
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Intrepid
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Aug, 2008 09:18 am
Re: HOW DO YOU HANDLE LIES ABOUT YOU THAT HURT?
Foxfyre wrote:


So what is the best way to handle it when lies are told about you either professionally or socially to people who believe them? When you don't know who is telling the lies?


You simply explain your side to the party in question and leave it to them to decide what they want to believe. You have no control over that which you cannot identify. If they don't believe you, then you have not lost anything anyhow.

They will believe what they want and you then move on with the knowledge that you are right.

Not unlike what it is like on A2K at times.
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FreeDuck
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Aug, 2008 09:21 am
I think I might write a letter. I'm not sure I understand the employment situation so I don't know how appropriate that will be, but if you can write a letter to whoever your contact is with the client, I would say something like this:

Dear Soandso,

I want to thank you for the opportunity to work with you and to acknowledge that I will no longer be representing (some company) as per your request. While I will not ask you to reconsider this decision, I would like to state for the record that I believe there has been a case of mistaken identity regarding the meeting in question. It is important to me as a professional that you understand this.

Thank you for your business.

Sincerely,
Foxfyre

You can add more or less detail as you see fit. For me, it would be important to at have them understand that I don't agree with their assessment. Not to expect it to change, but silence really won't do here.
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Foxfyre
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Aug, 2008 09:23 am
I have never met that company official who 'fired me' and have no clue who accused me.

When you know who your enemy is and can face him/her, then at least you know what or who you are dealing with.

It is not much different from any lie told about you by an anonymous source. Those who know you won't believe it or will at least give you a chance to tell your side. Those who don't know you very likely might believe it and there is no way to defend yourself.

But yes Eoe, I usually do try to take the high road and trust that my track record and rep will be sufficient. But you can really let it go so that it doesn't hurt?
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Foxfyre
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Aug, 2008 09:26 am
I don't deal with the companies I serve directly. All work is assigned through my client who I contract with. The client is no problem. But his income is dependent on the good will of the companies that we serve, and it is difficult to write off a large account because somebody got crossways, or claimed to get crossways, with one field auditor. My client immediately assigned another account to me when all this happened so I didn't loose anything materially. It is only my reputation and pride at stake here.

So yes guys, I could and would face my accuser with at least my side of the story if I only knew who that accuser was.
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FreeDuck
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Aug, 2008 09:30 am
Well then, I guess you can just wait it out until they notice that the crying woman is still showing up for meetings. :wink:
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Foxfyre
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Aug, 2008 09:32 am
FreeDuck wrote:
Well then, I guess you can just wait it out until they notice that the crying woman is still showing up for meetings. :wink:


Except that she won't be since I've been 'fired'. I am removed from that loop.
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Intrepid
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Aug, 2008 09:33 am
I think that freeduck meant that since it was not you who was doing the crying, the real cryer is still out there.
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Bi-Polar Bear
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Aug, 2008 09:38 am
Consider each lie another layer of kevlar around your heart and soon you will be unaffected by such things.
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Foxfyre
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Aug, 2008 09:40 am
Intrepid wrote:
I think that freeduck meant that since it was not you who was doing the crying, the real cryer is still out there.


Oh, you're probably right. Sorry Freeduck, I did misunderstand your point.

But you know, I can't imagine that ANYBODY doing the kind of work I do would be that person. But not everybody is happy with the results of the work I do. Audits can be favorable for the one audited or not so favorable. So it could have been any disgruntled business owner--I'm not privy to know.

But it is true that it happens even here on A2K. I read a post somewhere that I didn't want to meet somebody in person. That was so stupid I PMed the person to ask what was up? The person advised that this is what he had been told but declined to state who had told him that. This was also frustrating and there is no way to contradict it other than to say that is isn't true.

It is impossible to fight against anonymous ghosts.
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Foxfyre
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Aug, 2008 09:41 am
Bi-Polar Bear wrote:
Consider each lie another layer of kevlar around your heart and soon you will be unaffected by such things.


Really? You are unaffected when somebody says something hurtful and untrue about you? I think even our crusty old opinionated bear isn't quite that hard of heart quite yet. Smile
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FreeDuck
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Aug, 2008 09:46 am
Well, that's because all of the awful things we say about Bear ARE true.


[size=7]runs away quickly... you know i love you, bear[/size]
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Bi-Polar Bear
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Aug, 2008 09:46 am
foxfyre there are only one or two people that can hurt my feelings and then not so much anymore. You may risk losing a little of your "humanity" but the older I get I find more and more that comfort trumps everything. Give it a shot. :wink:
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Bi-Polar Bear
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Aug, 2008 09:47 am
FreeDuck wrote:
Well, that's because all of the awful things we say about Bear ARE true.


[size=7]runs away quickly... you know i love you, bear[/size]


well yeah..... there's that.
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Foxfyre
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Aug, 2008 09:50 am
Well maybe I'll get there and achieve that comfort. But I work hard, play hard, and love very hard. That makes one more vulnerable I guess, but I'm not sure I'm willing to give that up. Then again it would be nice to not let stuff get to me too. I pretend that it doesn't a lot better than I can convince myself sometimes though.

I am getting better. The jerks and idiots of the world no longer have power to hurt me as they once did. So there's hope, yes?
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JLNobody
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Aug, 2008 10:02 am
The lies don't bother me; the truths do--sometimes.
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eoe
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Aug, 2008 10:04 am
Time heals all wounds. This sounds like a fresh cut. Since the 'firing' will not affect you financially, and you're not forced to fight for your position and/or livelihood, I say let it go and give yourself time to get over it. You will.
0 Replies
 
Foxfyre
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Aug, 2008 10:13 am
JLNobody wrote:
The lies don't bother me; the truths do--sometimes.


The truths usually don't bother me, honestly, though being reminded of past sins can start old tapes running and generate old pain. One thing I have learned in a long life--I am imperfect, I will always be imperfect, and I might as well accept imperfections that I can't (or don't want to) do anything about and adjust to them.

But I don't adjust well to lies that are intended to belittle or demean or injure or put one at a disadvantage. I wish I could take Bear's advice and learn to do that.
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