Thanku crew for those Thinking Pink
I rang the BC Nurse this morning – she called me back after the docs-pm meeting late thisavo – no results back, possibly due to folk being on vacation. Seems odd to me, but hey ho. The earliest I will know anything will be towards the end of next week. No follow up appt will be made until results come thru - if all is clear I've decided I won't be going back and see the surgeon - the wound is healing well – so I won't waste his time - no probs there, I know a clean scar when I see one and I can live with lopsided - don't actually care what it looks like. I’m not really bothered re results, in that… whatever was there was cut out and certainly, a good chunk was cut out so I doubt there can be any of 'whatever it was' left in, and if it was systemic, I'm sure my WBC would be showing something, which, as far as I know, that's fine. I also don’t believe it will be malignant. Of course, I really don’t know anything – “whateva!” comes out quite grumpily right now. Really tho, it doesn’t matter what the results are – if it is, I’ll do what needs to be done. If it’s not, then it’s done anyhoo.
I’m in pickle mode due to other issues. Spinning in circles – do what’s right tho it feels wrong, doing what’s wrong because it is right. Knowing I have to do certain things for my sanity, knowing that it’s making me less sane – and still knowing I have no control on what the outcome will be. No matter the time that goes by – it all comes down to the tick tock – and whilst ‘we’ should celebrate little things for my eldest, knowing a red-tag attached to it will come as surely just as he starts to believe in himself, is too hard to contemplate, for me – tho no-one would get what I think. On the one hand, I can’t do anything, but the wrong thing for the right reasons. On the other hand, I will have to do things that I don’t want to do. I feel like the Fiddler on a hot tin roof – no matter how I dance, my feet will end up getting burned either way and I could never play a fiddle well. It shreds me constantly.
My folks have given the garden a major haircut with the chainsaw. So, I’ve been picking a few thousand blades of grass with my fingers for the last 2 days – focus.on.a.blade.of.grass.and.pull.it.out – who needs a lawnmower – I only need to buckle the white jacket and they’ll be coming to take me away, ha ha hee hee ho ho! Quite peaceful actually when you drown out the noise of the chainsaw. I’m now ripping the half wallpaper off in the lounge – can’t bear ‘twee’ any longer, need to make my house new, my style – I need a touch of nutmeg white with some mellow mocha, perhaps a sliver of silver or two. I actually would quite like to do a "Pollock" on the walls, but I doubt the little fella would like to live in that. I need a plasterer to make the ceiling flat, not the nasty deco – but I don’t think that’s gonna get done any time soon. Everything in conservatory bar the suede sofa, the oak blanket box, the mosaic bowl and the happy flower has been thrown out, all on the lawn at present, my rebellious side is daring any cloud to deposit it's load tonight. The floor has been scrubbed – each.and.every.board. Minimal is good. A whole new room. Time to get rid of stuff. Time for change. Oh, well, there’s also the fairy with the broken wing, the kittie’s rumble station and the school bell from Links Tor and some rather old dried poppy heads in the conservatory, two arctic extension leads and a couple pairs of skechers… but other than that, the conservatory still looks empty.
Beautiful weather – hot, sunny. Spent a lot of time by the river, musing, mulling, watching my brook babbling away, sending off leaves and petals to the sea, wanting to send my thoughts there too and be rid of them. I watch the moss growing on the big stones as the water laps across and the golden-bahookied wee spiders spinning their webs between the rose thorns and the branches as they wait to capture the morning dew and any fly-bys that happen to get caught up in their beautiful trap. I’ve learned something – I don’t ever topple, I simply do a daily balancing act; rather like the webs that break with the spider just blowing in the wind, getting a grip and then having to spin another safety net so it can survive. So much spinning – beautiful creations, yet deadly.
Of course, none of anything really means anything – just I’m musing out loud before it consumes me further.
Love a compound eye!
And I could lose myself in a fleur
Lost in my mind. Bored of tired too. Talking of which, what a difference not working makes - less tired! I can get thru a day without having to zzzzzzzz, for 5 days now, so that’s not bad a? Got the hospital hydro appt thru… group session – errrr mebbe not then - have a strong feeling I may just be cancelling that then! No can do people, leave alone people in a pool, let alone people in pool in bathers. uh nuh. Ugh.
Gosh, what an utterly grumbly post this is
OK – time for a little llllllalalllllllllllllllllllllllllaaaaaing.
Wishing the crew a great weekend ahead. Thinking of y’all. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
jw... such beautiful girls, so glad you posted their pics, do hug Annie for me x
LettyBettyLetty - know it's awful hot out there right now - so glad you are managing to keep cool indoors. x
Babbling - love you much Brooke... and thank you xox
Margo - ooooooooooooh, I just picked up your message... from.... must have been weeks ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (darn that BT-1571) Thankyou
and... who knows where I was. Ha! Hope you got some SLEEP!!!!!!! x
waves to Taggers and Tak - have a great trip Down Under Tak xx
((Blue))xox x
((Brooke))
Thank you, Missy. Your words mean a lot too. Life always goes on, albeit a beat of a different drum. Hugs back.
