Where oh where are you tonight?

i loved hee haw as a kid

the corny joke segment in the cornfield, song you mentioned, roy clarke and buck owens (does it get much better than that pairing)

Quotes, but I lost the source.

A growing number of people believe that television leads to violence. Others believe that TV actually reduces violence by making viewers so fat and lazy they don't have the energy to get up and cause trouble.

I don't understand why TV advertising is aimed at young people. It's the old people who don't have the energy to leave the room during the commercials.


Most soap operas could be called "I Love Loosely."

also from hee haw

The Rumor Song

Now, we're not ones to go round spreadin' rumors
Why really, we're just not the gossipy kind!
Oh, you'll never hear one of us repeating gossip!

So you'd better be sure and listen close the first time.

wow, had forgotten the major canadian connections to this show

Hee Haw

Hee Haw had its high class moments too, such as George Jones, singing "White Lightning."

Sam Drucker: How 'bout a dehydrated chicken?
Oliver Douglas: A dehydrated chicken?
Sam Drucker: Yeah. Just add water and bones, and let it sit for a couple hours, and you might have your own reconstituted chicken.
Oliver Douglas: That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.

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Sam Drucker: Call the sheriff.
Hank Kimball: OK. Sheriff.
Sam Drucker: No. On the phone.

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Oliver Wendell Douglass: Gentlemen, I'm surprised at you. The American farmer didn't get where he is today by celebrating Christmas with phony trees and wax popcorn, plastic candy canes. Gentlemen, to the American farmer Christmas is real. He goes out with ax in hand, chops down his own tree, brings it back, garlands it with strings of popcorn from his own corn crib, makes cider from his own apple trees. And when Christmas carols ring out in the still of the night, he looks up to the sky and says, 'I'm proud to be an American farmer on Christmas.'

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Doris Ziffel: Mrs. Douglas came over here this afternoon and wanted to know how to make a fruitcake. And it's been so long since I made one, I had to look up the recipe.
Fred Ziffel: Is she gonna make a fruitcake for Mr. Douglas?
Doris Ziffel: She sure is.
Fred Ziffel: Doris, that could make you an accessory to manslaughter.

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[Oliver Wendell Douglas's old tractor has just broken down again]
Oliver Wendell Douglass: There's something wrong with the carburetor.
Ed Dawson: Yeah, it needs a new tractor on it!

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Mr. Kimball: Tomatoes are the dumbest of all plants. Did you know their IQ is hardly above what a 6-year old child's is?

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Lisa Douglas: Why do you want to irritate your corn?
Oliver Douglas: Irrigate. It means put water on it.
Lisa Douglas: Won't that irritate it?

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Eb Dawson: Morning! Breakfast ready?
Lisa Douglas: Yes.
Eb Dawson: Well, let's have the hotcakes and get it over with.
Lisa Douglas: We're not having any hotscakes this morning.
Oliver Douglas: No hotcakes?
Lisa Douglas: I've made something different.
Oliver Douglas: Hey, wonderful!
Eb Dawson: Let's not go off half-cocked till we get a look at it.
Oliver Douglas: Knock it off, anything's better than the hotcakes.
Lisa Douglas: Here we are.
[Holds up what looks like a long, lumpy pastry on a baking sheet]
Oliver Douglas: It looks like a boa constrictor with lumps.
Lisa Douglas: That's the last time I cook you a Spanish omelette.


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Lisa Douglas: Are you happy with the corns I strung for you?
Oliver Douglas: Lisa, you're supposed to take the kernels off the cob and string them.
Lisa Douglas: Well, don't blame me, I never did it before. In the old country, we used to string caviar.
Oliver Douglas: Caviar?
Lisa Douglas: We'd have caviar on one string and crackers on the other...
Oliver Douglas: Oh, for...
Lisa Douglas: And then we'd play the Hungarian Christmas game called 'Smear the crackers with caviar.'

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Ed Dawson: Mr. Ziffel, notice where your wife's standing? Under the mistletoe!
Fred Ziffel: Why don't you mind your own business?

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Lisa Douglas: When you married me you knew that I couldn't cook, I couldn't sew, and I couldn't keep house. All I could do was talk Hungarian and do imitations of Zsa Zsa Gabor.
Oliver Douglas: Who?

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Lisa Douglas: Could you keep it a secret from my husband? You see, I want to surprise him.
Ralph Monroe: My lips are sealed.
Hank Kimball: Now if we could only keep them that way.
Ralph Monroe: If you weren't so sexy, I'd beat your brains out!

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Oliver Douglas: But he couldn't be dead.
Fred Ziffel: Oh, yes he could, I personally attended his funeral.
Oliver Douglas: Are you sure?
Fred Ziffel: I don't know what you do in New York, but around here we don't give a man a funeral unless we're pretty sure he needs one.

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Eustace Charleton Haney: [trying to hawk some worthless ceramic figurines off and claiming they're valuable] These are gen-yew-wine Siamese Catfish.
Oliver Wendell Douglass: SIAMESE CATFISH?
Eustace Charleton Haney: Well, they're still in the pussy stage.

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Eustace Charleton Haney: [as he and Mr. Ziffel are going into Oliver's house] Make sure you wipe yer feet.
Fred Ziffel: You don't ever wipe YOUR feet!
Eustace Charleton Haney: That's 'cause I don't own a pig farm.

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Eustace Charleton Haney: [after learning Oliver and Lisa are going to be out of town for a few days] While yer away on yer trip, I thought you might like to avail yerself of Haney's Farm Mindin' Service.
Oliver Wendell Douglass: HANEY'S FARM MINDING SERVICE?
Eustace Charleton Haney: Yessir, at Haney's Farm Mindin' Service, for a nom-yew-nal fee we will move into yer house, eat yer food, drink yer likker, and turn away any unwanted relatives that might show up at yer door.

I like these..

i don't know how popular the 'wayne and shuster show' (or 'shayne and wuster' as ed sullivan called them once) was in the united states .
we just watched parts of a show on tape : history of the CBC .
we always enjoyed them - of course , they were typical canadian shows .
found a site with some of their old radio shows ; just go to MP3 player on the right ... and enjoy SHAYNE AND WUSTER !
hbg


...WAYNE AND SHUSTER RADIO SHOW...

I only recalled Wayne and Shuster's names. I love the routine on the link, about Julius Caesar.

"It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper."
Rod Serling

Taxi



Jim: Can you guess how many drugs I did?

Elaine: A lot.

Jim: Wow! Right on the nose!

clutching his chest dramatically]
Fred Sanford: Oh, this is the biggest one I ever had. You hear that Elizabeth? I'm coming to join you honey.

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Fred Sanford: I ain't afraid to give you one across the lips.

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Lamont Sanford: That's the way it used to be, Pop, now adays they give you one of them needles and you don't even know what hit you.
Fred Sanford: Oh, now I know I ain't going.
Lamont Sanford: Why not?
Fred Sanford: Are you kidding? A needle. I don't wanna get hooked on that stuff. It'd change me from Friendly Fred to Junkie Joe.

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Fred Sanford: You just dumb, son. You just dumb.

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Bubba: The characters on that show are a lot like you. There's the grouchy father, the dumb son, the ugly sister in-law and the stupid, bungling friend
[looks at Grady]
Grady: [sarcastically] Your too hard on yourself Bubba.

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Lamont Sanford: You're a dirty old man ya know that?
Fred Sanford: And I'm gonna be one 'till I'm a dead old man.

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Fred Sanford: I still want to sow some wild oats.
Lamont Sanford: At your age, you don't have no wild oats, you got shredded wheat.

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Fred Sanford: [Coughs violently] Smokin' less but enjoying it more.
[Lamont enters room]
Fred Sanford: Hey Lamont you bring me cigarettes?
Lamont Sanford: What?
Fred Sanford: Cigarettes. Smokes. Did you get them?
Lamont Sanford: Did you hear yourself just now?
Fred Sanford: Yeah I asked if you brung me cigarettes.
Lamont Sanford: No I mean did you hear yourself coughing? I heard you a block away, it sounded like they was tearing up the streets.

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Fred Sanford: We could have a little pork and beans now and a little zucchini later. Or a little zucchini now and a little pork and beans later. Or if you like the pork and beans, you can have them and I'll take the zucchini or I can take the pork and beans and you the zucchini so what will it be? Zucchini or pork and beans?
Lamont Sanford: The oven don't work.
Fred Sanford: Oh, in that case, we'll have some cold pork and beans now or...
Lamont Sanford: Would you stop that?

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Lamont Sanford: Pop, since you was 10, you smoked a cigarette 41 miles long.
Fred Sanford: That's real super king sized ain't it?
Lamont Sanford: 41 miles. That's like you smoked a cigarette from here to Disneyland.

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Fred Sanford: My name's Fred Sanford. That's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period.

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Lamont Sanford: When a person has three heart attacks, he's dead. You had fifteen.

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Aunt Esther: Who you calling ugly, sucker.
Fred Sanford: I'm calling you ugly, I could push your face in some dough and make gorilla cookies.

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Aunt Esther: Who you calling Ugly Sucka?
Fred Sanford: I'm calling you ugly. You so ugly I could press your face into some dough and make some gorilla cookies.

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Fred Sanford: On behalf of Elizabeth, would you care for something to eat?
Aunt Esther: Oh I wouldn't mind a little snack.
Fred Sanford: Son, go in the kitchen and fix your Aunt Esther a fish-head sandwich!

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Fred Sanford: All you got to do is enlist Esther in the Navy. And that way, you can have her face buried at sea!

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Fred Sanford: For $500 dollars, I can turn Yewell Gibbons into a meatloaf freak!

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Lamont Sanford: She's gonna be competing with her own peers.
Fred Sanford: Her Peers?
Lamont Sanford: Yes.
Fred Sanford: You mean Godzilla is in the contest?

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Aunt Esther: What's wrong with my posture?
Fred Sanford: It's full of prune pits!

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Fred Sanford: Polly-Esther - that's you. Half woman, half parrot!

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Fred Sanford: [Officer Hopkins helps Grady inside] What's the matter, Grady?
Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins: It's really nothing much to be concerned about, Mr. Sanford. He's merely experiencing a mild gastrointestinal imbalance precipitated by acute anti-gravitational pull in the lower abdominal cavity.
Grady Wilson: I gotta throw up!

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Lamont Sanford: These two Russian seismologists said they've discovered a new fault.
Fred Sanford: Well what was wrong with the old one?

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Lamont Sanford: They're predicting a massive earthquake on November 6.
Fred Sanford: November 6? That's only five days away!
Lamont Sanford: Don't worry about a thing, Pop, it's not possible.
Grady Wilson: Oh I beg to differ with you, Lamont. Today is November 1, and it's extremely possible that November 6 is only five days away.



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Aunt Esther: Fred Sanford, the wrath of God will strike you down.
Fred Sanford: And this Louisville slugger will knock you out.

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Aunt Esther: Woodrow and I are going to have a baby.
Fred Sanford: Well somebody better call the zoo.



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Lamont Sanford: You know what they say, the truth will set you free.
Fred Sanford: Your uncle Edgar told the truth, and the judge gave him six months.


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Grady Wilson: Fred told me to keep you out of this garden.
Aunt Esther: Oh he did huh?
Grady Wilson: Yea, Fred said just because he planted a garden of Eden, there was no reason to let the serpent in.

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BR-549