Is this really what marriage is supposed to be like?

Honeymoon's over. Look at how fast he reverted, if you ever need a yardstick for how long it takes before the real him comes out.

You don't have to tell him a damned thing about what you talk about in counseling. He has no right to know any of that, even if you discuss/complain about him from the moment you walk in the door to the second you leave.

If he bitches, then tell him to think about the fact that you told him the truth about where you're going.

Another update: I've been going to therapy weekly and attended a recovery group for women for codependency (not sure I mentioned this in previous posts). I had two more job interviews, for 6 total this summer and did not get hired, though the last place I interviewed with like me a lot and decided to offer me a different position than the one I interviewed for, but it doesn't start until November. Either way, with the therapy and the stepping out of my comfort zone to attend meetings and interview for jobs (not to mention the very real fear of rejection that I've had to face with these itnerviews along with the reality of being rejected) I feel like I've become so much more comfortable with myself in recent weeks. So yesterday, as my husband and I were trying to figure out something to do with the kids, and he was shooting down every idea I had and saying it was a horrible idea, stupid, never gonna happen, etc. and then having him call our oldest child a "fat dummy"( the kid is quite skinny, but he says he calls ALL dumb people fat), then telling him to take off somewhere with me and leave him alone because he's useless, something in me just really snapped. I told him I can't stand to live with him anymore and he told me to leave, among other things.

We left it with that yesterday as I left with the boys and he went to play cards until later in the evening. Today, he jumped all over me for saying I didn't want to live with him when the boys could hear me. He told me that I made a big deal out of nothing "as usual" and I'm nothing but a big baby who needs to go back to high school. I told him (as I also told him yesterday) that I acknowledge that I'm in no way perfect and I am trying to improve myself, but unless he will work on us or his own problems, we can't continue. He said I'm being ridiculous and there's nothing wrong with the way he talks to us or treats us and the problem is I'm a big baby and focusing on the negative and he will NEVER go to counseling or work on us because he doesn't need to change. He says he's done all the self-improving that he needs to and that I need to accept that he yells at us and says the things that he does because he's the "man of the house" and doing his job as a father and husband.

My mom told me that she will help me get set up in a place of my own and I can start paying on it once my job starts in November. I plan to start looking tomorrow but have been told that I'm screwing our kids up and being selfish and childish and making mountains out of mole hills. I feel like I'm talking in circles with him and part of me feels guilty and wonders if I'm doing the right thing or if he's right, if I ignored his blow ups or criticism or didn't view them so negatively, then we'd be just fine. Maybe I am too sensitive and ending this will come back to smack me in the face. I'm definitely scared of being wrong.

You're doing a great job.

And he's terrified that you're figuring out just how poorly he's been treating you. And kudos to your mom for helping you out.

Thank you. I keep trying to remind myself of that and not falling for his words and changing my mind. He said he didn't sleep all night, is convinced that I have someone else or want someone else, thinks that I'm throwing away our marriage and family without attempting to work on us. He told me that he will "try to say things in a nicer way" but that he will not go to counseling with me or on his own. He says that's his way of working on things and my not accepting that from him is me expecting things to go only my way and is selfish and shallow of me. He said all that this morning and then totally shifted gears and is being super clingy . I needed to go buy my middle son a shirt for pictures and he decided he wanted to go too, then stroked my face in the car, telling me how much he loves me. I truly feel badly that I'm causing him pain and anxiety, but I don't know what else to do.

If your husband is indeed shifting gears that quickly and radically, he is using the cruelest possible tactics on you.

Hang tough, don't fall for it.

Good for you going forward with therapy, group and interviews. And the job offer! It's good for you and a good example for your children.

Great to hear that your mother will help you change your situation.

I hope you've talked to a lawyer about your options so there aren't too many surprises.