Is this really what marriage is supposed to be like?

Yes. I understand there are many roadblocks, including his threats that paralyze you with fear. You have a husband who verbally and mentally abuses you and the children. He doesn't want you (a grown woman) in a sexual way, and he is creepy in his dealings with young girls, which should be huge red flags for you. Guard your daughter(s), seriously!

When you've had enough, call a lawyer and commence divorce proceedings. If your hubby is concealing his money in his seasonal business, then maybe you'll qualify for state financial assistance and/or housing assistance during the separation. For every problem, there is a solution ... and a family court judge will most likely grant you permission to move with your children if that will assist you to become self-supporting.

Anyway, you have the power to change your own life. It's up to you whether you will use that power to make life better for your family. Again, best wishes.

Maybe so, but nowhere near me. And again, I can't just pick up and move away with my children and I won't leave them. But thanks for the suggestion.

I never suggested that you leave your children. You're the one who stated that you are unemployable as a teacher where you live because you didn't go to the state university. Set goals and take steps to work towards those goals.

There are steps in a process: 1) consult a lawyer; 2) commence divorce action; 3) seek interim support for yourself and the kids; 4) etc., etc., etc....

I didn't know moving could be an option at all, I figured a judge would want the kids near both parents. I live in the mid-Southeast U.S., so very far from Vegas and Cali. Also, didn't think you said to leave the kids, just saying that wouldn't be an option for me. I think I'm gonna call a counselor tomorrow and the consult a lawyer to see what kind of help could be provided. Luckily, my kids are boys, not girls, so his strange behavior toward high school girls doesn't concern me there.

Definitely talk to a lawyer - just get your options from someone who isn't your husband.

You don't your sons thinking that your husband's behaviour/attitude toward girls/women is appropriate.

This is true!

Well, here is a little factoid, I have always gone for the chess champion type. I never was involved with an obvious "alpha male' type, but yet....

Perhaps you are lucky?

And you still had the same "man" problems?

A little mini update:

I did call around to find a counselor, only to find out that anyone who accepts my insurance is no longer accepting new patients or they aren't accepting my insurance anymore (I've been told that my insurance company has not been good about paying). So, I've now got to wait to see if I can get a job and get on a different insurance plan.

Secondly, on a walk tonight, my husband and I saw a couple "playing" with their small child in their front yard. They seemed very intoxicated and the dad was spinning the boy around holding on to just one of his legs, with his head nearly hitting the ground. He kept screaming "no!" and the parents were laughing hysterically. Then the dad acted as if he was going to karate kick the boy in the stomach. This all went on the entire time it took us to walk down their street, which was about 5 minutes. It was disturbing and made my husband very angry, so he called the police to report them. He was astonished that someone could treat their child that way. My question is, if he can be so bothered by this, how can he not understand that calling your kids dummy, stupid, incompetent, pathetic, lame brain, sissy, etc., throwing shoes at them, or grabbing them by the arm and screaming in their faces...is just as bad and just as abusive? It baffles me how these things are all perfectly ok to him, but he was so bothered by what we saw in that front yard that he called the police,


I think he can also sense me pulling away from him again, just like 5 years ago, because he's being extra nice (for him) and lovey-dovey. But also hyper-suspicious of everything I do. Like everytime I'm on my phone, he sneaks up from behind me to see what I'm doing. He suggested that my friend Danielle that I was messaging was actually someone named "Daniel". He says it in a joking way, but he's constantly checking up. If he could openly talk to me and tell me that he's feeling insecure or that he feels me pulling away, that would make it easier to save our marriage. But if I try to talk about it with him he tells me I'm crazy and that he will never be jealous, he's only joking when he walks up behind me and actually suggested that I was messing around with my female friend whose classroom I helped set up (never in my life have I been attracted to a female). He will make these comments and be sneaky and then tell me he's just joking and try to hug me or kiss me. And I really just see this as not so much a way to show he cares, but a control tactic to keep me where I am. Then I feel so guilty for having these thoughts, because what if I'm wrong?

Anyway, that's the update!

Ah, the abuser's honeymoon phase.

They do this. They give you what is the equivalent of relationship candy to try to get you to forget the relationship bullshit they've been shoveling down your throat.

Yeah, I've read about that before. I can tell he's really holding back on his usual hatefulness and eventually he will explode.

It's as simple as this. Move on because neither you nor your children should be treated like that. And if you think he isn't cheating on you, then you are delusional. Sorry to say that, but it's true.

they are not all like that... cruel PEOPLE exist everywhere no matter the gender.... the issue here is they are looking for a woman that fits the "wifey" stereotype and you are looking for a "dominant" man you don´t like but it´s so familiar to you that you unconsciously feel drawn to.
they are not like that... they are kind, and funny... and loyal... and some are stupid and cruel.... you´ll have to choose the first type heheheheh

let me think: Why?.....
BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE GOING.... BECAUSE I WANT TO....NOT YOUR BUSSINESS?

you don´t need to do it everyday to make any difference... you enjoy it and feel better.... that´s enough of a reason.... stop with the vicious circle: you think he´s treating you bad... LET HIM KNOW!

He broke it long ago

Ok, the counselor I called called me back today and told me that they decided to start accepting my type of insurance. I have an appointment on Monday. I had to tell mybusband because he's going to have to watch our youngest while I go and he said "why do you want to go? Weird. You're a weirdo. It's such a pointless thing to do."

you are: find help, go to the police, demand the sofa at your mom´s house to be offered to you cause it´s what they should do as your family....
secondly: assume you are going to panic, feel helpless and lost for a while, you´ll barely make it to the end of the month.... if you think you can't bear it any more.... if you want the house, the stable financial life, the comfortable passive role.... then, you´ll have to stop caring about him ...... you have to make your mind

Yes, still had the same problems. Granted..not as bad as yours, but pretty much the same yes.

Well that is unsettling.

He's been barely speaking to me all night since he got home from playing cards, and when he does he says things like"have fun complaining to your counselor about me" and "so when are we gonna find out what kind of shady stuff you're hiding that you want to talk to a counselor about?" I invited him to go with me and he said "why? It's pointless. As far as I'm concerned we have no reason to anew a counselor. You're the weirdo who feels like we need to." Then he started questioning what I talk to my school friends about and if I talk about him and kept insisting that I'm hiding something and he will find out what it is.