Is this really what marriage is supposed to be like?

@SummerBreeze,

Hello SummerBreeze:

You are in a stink-hole of a marriage with a self-absorbed man who acts inappropriately with students, young girls, and other women. Really. He sounds like the type of guy we've seen on episodes of "To Catch a Predator."

Your husband abuses you and he abuses your children. And you're a wilted flower who thinks she's comfortable in her wilted life. And your children are wilted flowers too.

But, you were blossoming when you were student teaching. You had a taste of happiness. You can choose more happiness, if you want. It's not that hard. Consult with a lawyer about a divorce. Get that ball rolling, the sooner the better.

Don't worry about being alone. It is highly unlikely that you will be alone for the rest of your life. Nevertheless, it is far better to be alone than in an abusive relationship. Continue with counseling and work on becoming emotionally healthy. That should be your first priority before even considering another relationship.

The best helping hand you'll ever have is the one attached to your own wrist. You will flourish when start using it! And yes, you will make mistakes from time to time. So what? You're not required to be perfect, and whose definition of "perfect" are you going to apply? There's beauty in imperfection. Care enough about yourself and your children to embrace life! Best wishes.

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@Debra Law,

Thank you for these wise words! The kids and I took a vacation last month with my mom, my brother, and his family. The kids and I ended up spending most of the time with just the four of us, running around Disney World. We had an absolute blast. We were gone for 9 days and not once did any of the boys say they missed their dad. In fact, I had to remind them each day that we needed to call him. Last year, we all went together and it wasn't nearly as fun. My husband was grouchy and didn't like driving with the kids fussing or crying or the activities I had planned. Knowing that we had so much fun together and that they weren't worried about not seeing him (they didn't even want to come home when it was time), gives me a little hope for how they would handle things should we split up...though I know that being uprooted from their home would be much different.

Another thing I keep going back to in my mind is how my husband keeps talking about plans to buy a bigger house once I get a teaching job. I know this won't happen for either of us if we separate and I do feel guilt knowing that that's a possibility in my mind, but in his our future is secure no matter what happens between us. I'm also a religious person and I have prayed a lot about finding a job and being able to support myself. Part of me feels like if God hasn't opened that door for me then he wants me to remain in this situation for whatever reason.

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@SummerBreeze,

you are just afraid to face the world alone... understandable considering he´s been doing his best to make you feel incapable and useless... what will happen when you step out of that noxious confort zone of yours is, after a shorter o longer period of emotional struggle and recurrent panic episodes, a life you´ll feel strong enough to live and fight for, a life in which you will trust and love yourself enough to stand for your rights and decisions... a life you´ll see your self-confidence and your children´s grow stronger everyday... in short, a life full of happy and sad days, with hard and peaceful times alternating each other and in which nothing is given easily and for free... a life of constant fight that, in spite of it all, will be happier and more fulfilling than the past one.... get some phycological assistance and find out how to end this abusive situation you´re going through, whether it´s dealt with maintaining the marriage unbroken or whether it´s dealt with by ending it.... you have to put an end to it

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@SummerBreeze,

In varying degrees, (yours is a bit extreme), it has been my experience that this is how most men are. They have choices/rights, you don't. My father was like that..perhaps not as obvious as your husband..but he had some of those same traits. The men in my life EXCEPT for my late husband have been more or less the same. This is why I have decided that from now on, my life is my own. I refuse to "answer" to anyone ever again.

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@Medusax,

My husband is nothing like this. My father is nothing like this. My brother is nothing like this. My father-in-law was nothing like this. My sister-in-law's husband is nothing like this. No man I ever dated was anything like this. No man I have ever been friends with was anything like this.

Your samples size is woefully small.

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@Medusax,

Well this is not what I wanted to hear. I will say that my dad is also like this to a degree, and my grandpa, and every man I've ever dated (which I chalk up to bad decision making on my part...always being attracted to alpha male athletes and giving no other type a chance). I really hope that they aren't all like that. Or that I could actually attract someone different. My brother is not like this, I do know that, or either of my uncles that I'm close with.

I feel like, and hope, that once I go to therapy and get a job that will improve my self worth and I'll be able to grow and become the person that may attract men that are different from what I attracted/chose in my early 20's. I saw a glimpse of that when I was student teaching, I grew so much. But without a real job I feel like I can't fully spread my wings yet,

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@SummerBreeze,

SummerBreeze wrote:

Another thing I keep going back to in my mind is how my husband keeps talking about plans to buy a bigger house once I get a teaching job. I know this won't happen for either of us if we separate and I do feel guilt knowing that that's a possibility in my mind, but in his our future is secure no matter what happens between us. I'm also a religious person and I have prayed a lot about finding a job and being able to support myself. Part of me feels like if God hasn't opened that door for me then he wants me to remain in this situation for whatever reason.

Cool. Your husband has already spent your future earnings. Your income is earmarked for a larger mortgage on a larger house, and your prison is simply a little bigger. Happiness is not measured by the size of the house you live in.

Every week I have a talk with God (or my guardian angels or some other spirit) and pray: If you just give me the winning numbers for the next lottery jackpot, then I will be happy. And every week, I end up with a worthless lottery ticket. I guess that means that God wants me to be sad and miserable. I'm so sad ....

Just kidding.

God isn't going to hand you the job of your dreams on a silver platter. You might have to rely on yourself and your own efforts to achieve your goals. You might have to start out as an aide in a daycare center. It might not pay very well, but at least you're out in the world working with children, making valuable contacts, and building a resume and some self-respect.

Don't place the blame for your unhappy existence on God. Use your own hands and help yourself. Or not. You can stay in your "comfortable" unhappy life. The choice is yours. Again, best wishes.

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Another example from this morning:

I mentioned to my husband that at some point today I want to go job with my oldest son, as we've been doing that when we can, lately.

His response: "Why? What's the point? You need to do it everyday to make a difference. What are you ripping the scales at these days?"

I told him 110 lbs, I actually have recently lost 5. I've been doing the Jillian Michaels workouts and building muscle since February, which he says those videos don't work. I don't have time to do any exercise everyday, but can usually ge in 3-4 days a week of something. He was skeptical. I really don't feel like I look the least bit overweight and out of shape. I actually feel like I am in better shape than I was 10 years ago.

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@Debra Law,

The thing is, I've subbed for the last 3 years. I was an aide last spring. I've done everything I know possible to get a job and have worked my butt off, I don't want anything handed to me on a silver platter. The problem is that it's all "who you know" where I live and because I didn't not go to the local state college and went to a private college, I can't get many schools to interview me. I will be subbing again if I don't get a job but that's not even half of what I would make with a permanent job. It's not even close to enough to support myself. I'm also looking in to other options, possibly going back in to the travel field, but I've not had any luck yet. I'm not expecting God to just grant me anything, but I feel like because I've had so much difficulty maybe He wished I would stay.

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What about looking for work nearer to your mother? It might be easier if you do.

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@edgarblythe,

My mother lives in the same city that I live in. She lives with my grandfather and my aunt. They simply don't have enough space to accommodate myself and my kids. I've applied at surrounding counties, but our state university is so large and they have so many connections, that it affects all counties within and hour. I didn't know this would be the case before deciding where to go to school. I met a woman who had taught in a different state for 6 years and they wouldn't give her the time of day either, because she didn't go to the local university. What's it's going to take is the places where I know people having an opening and being willing to give me a chance. My interviews have gone well, according to feedback I've received.

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@SummerBreeze,

SummerBreeze wrote:

Another example from this morning:

I mentioned to my husband that at some point today I want to go job with my oldest son, as we've been doing that when we can, lately.

His response: "Why? What's the point? You need to do it everyday to make a difference. What are you ripping the scales at these days?"

I told him 110 lbs, I actually have recently lost 5. I've been doing the Jillian Michaels workouts and building muscle since February, which he says those videos don't work. I don't have time to do any exercise everyday, but can usually ge in 3-4 days a week of something. He was skeptical. I really don't feel like I look the least bit overweight and out of shape. I actually feel like I am in better shape than I was 10 years ago.

This isn't about your weight or whether you're in better shape than you were 10 years ago. That's superficial bullshit.

Chip, chip, chip away .... he chips away at your self-esteem and you agonize, agonize, agonize ....

Where's your backbone?

When are you going to tell him, "Shut the "F" up ... I know what you're doing ... and it's abusive; keep it up buddy and I'm out of here. Stop it. NOW."

No, no, no ... you internalize and agonize and do nothing ....

I understand your examples and how all of that crap eats away at you. That's what an abuser does ... he chips away at his victim's self-esteem and that makes him feel superior and in control.

I can't help you. However, you can help you.

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@SummerBreeze,

SummerBreeze wrote:

The thing is, I've subbed for the last 3 years. I was an aide last spring. I've done everything I know possible to get a job and have worked my butt off, I don't want anything handed to me on a silver platter. The problem is that it's all "who you know" where I live and because I didn't not go to the local state college and went to a private college, I can't get many schools to interview me. I will be subbing again if I don't get a job but that's not even half of what I would make with a permanent job. It's not even close to enough to support myself. I'm also looking in to other options, possibly going back in to the travel field, but I've not had any luck yet. I'm not expecting God to just grant me anything, but I feel like because I've had so much difficulty maybe He wished I would stay.

Again, all superficial roadblocks to moving forward ...

It's easier to stay where you're at because you truly believe you have done everything you can ... but you haven't ....

You can file for divorce and get spousal and child support to keep yourself and the kids afloat until you can become self-supporting ....

For every dilemma you cite, there's a resolution to that dilemma ....

But, if you imagine roadblocks rather than seek solutions, you will continue to spin your wheels in your "comfortable" unhappy life ....

You can overcome all obstacles, it just takes a little determination.

Do you want to cry and agonize over all this bullshit for days, weeks, months, and years to come ... or do you want to take action. The only one with the power to improve your life is you. Use your power. Or don't. Make excuses. Excuses are free.

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First hit on google search:

https://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ope/pol/tsa.pdf

Start there ... move forward ....

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@Debra Law,

Why Las Vegas Is Desperate To Hire Thousands Of Teachers

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/03/10/las-vegas-teacher-hiring_n_6834874.html

Somewhere in the United States, a school district needs a teacher ....

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@Debra Law,

Even in Silicon Valley where the cost of housing is very high, many school districts are buying homes for teachers.

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@Debra Law,

I don't think I'm allowed to just take my kids and move. But I would love to move somewhere else. As far as getting spousal support, he owns a small business where he is able to write off a lot. He's expanding rapidly, but is only in business April-October because it's seasonal. Right now he shows very little income and we are barely getting by. We don't live in an extravagant house, we rent a small ranch. Though, we still barely get by so I know that neither of us could afford to live here and there aren't many cheaper options with 3 kids. I have a friend who recently divorced and she had to prove that she had a bedroom for each of her kids (because they are a boy and a girl), I asked about state regulations involving children of the same sex, and it is no more than 2 per room, so at the minimum I'd need a 3 bdr place which we have now. I know it sounds like excuses, and I do admit I'm scared and definitely dragging my feet. I also know that if I do this when he thinks we are on decent terms, he is going to be vicious and throw everything at me that he can. He's told me before that he thinks that he should have sole custody of the kids and could get it because he knows what to say to the judge. Which is a joke because, other than financially, he does very little for them. I am the one who does all their activities, doctor appointments, bathe them, wash their clothes, put them to bed, etc. I know it's just threats and him trying to get to me, just like all of the things he says, but having dealt with it for so many years, there's that little voice that always wonders if he's right. I'm also just trying to be realistic with my options. My mom keeps telling me that she is buying a house (she moved in with my grandparents last year when my grandmother got sick) and we can stay with her awhile when she does, but there is no telling when that will actually happen.

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@Debra Law,

Thanks for that, unfortunately the state I'm in doesn't have a need for elementary teachers. I'm pretty certain I'm not allowed to move.

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@cicerone imposter,

cicerone imposter wrote:

Even in Silicon Valley where the cost of housing is very high, many school districts are buying homes for teachers.

Absolutely. There are jobs for teachers.

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@Debra Law,

http://www.sfchronicle.com/education/article/Teacher-housing-helps-educators-stay-put-amid-7463584.php

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Is this really what marriage is supposed to be like?

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