An excerpt from my story "Lunch Lady Rapist"

Tags: Original Writing, Weird Ass Shit
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Now before you read on, know that I have a very dark humor. If you can't laugh at rape, you probably don't want to read this. That being said, I'm around 19 and I've had a writer's block for some time, but absurd and morbid shit is pulling me back toward the pen, or the keyboard or whattever. Enjoy this excerpt:

And so I proclaimed,

"Squawking vermin, I will take you now!"

Her biting, clawing and writhing hinted at some subtle discontent for my boisterous prose. Nonetheless, I penetrated the old hag and proceeded to know her, eagerly testing the limits of her bashful rectum. Sweat dripped down my quivering digits, every nerve in my body convulsing from the sport of it all. Crusty and oh so calloused nipples rose from triangular bosoms and dripped some vestigial pus. Warts like barnacles clung to her salty, bloated frame and the old time maritime woman reeked of her passion. From ancient pores flowed arcane pastes, semi liquid aberrations known not to the young and well of health, who's origins, to be properly understood, would require a formidable feat of comprehension and the blackest leap of faith. Finally, after seventy two valiant thrusts I dismounted the screaming creature and it succumbed to a wide eyed, open jawed death. Alas, the old hag was not accustomed to such potent coitus.

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@DeathMetal4tw,

Quote:

If you can't laugh at rape, you probably don't want to read this

I don't know anyone who would laugh at rape.

Enjoy this excerpt?
It's disgusting !

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"IT PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN"

Sounds like we have a young "Buffalo Bill"

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I knew better than to open this thread. Oh, well.

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@DeathMetal4tw,

DeathMetal4tw wrote:

Now before you read on, know that I have a very dark humor. If you can't laugh at rape, you probably don't want to read this. That being said, I'm around 19 and I've had a writer's block for some time, but absurd and morbid shit is pulling me back toward the pen, or the keyboard or whattever. Enjoy this excerpt:

And so I proclaimed,

"Squawking vermin, I will take you now!"

Her biting, clawing and writhing hinted at some subtle discontent for my boisterous prose. Nonetheless, I penetrated the old hag and proceeded to know her, eagerly testing the limits of her bashful rectum. Sweat dripped down my quivering digits, every nerve in my body convulsing from the sport of it all. Crusty and oh so calloused nipples rose from triangular bosoms and dripped some vestigial pus. Warts like barnacles clung to her salty, bloated frame and the old time maritime woman reeked of her passion. From ancient pores flowed arcane pastes, semi liquid aberrations known not to the young and well of health, who's origins, to be properly understood, would require a formidable feat of comprehension and the blackest leap of faith. Finally, after seventy two valiant thrusts I dismounted the screaming creature and it succumbed to a wide eyed, open jawed death. Alas, the old hag was not accustomed to such potent coitus.

Humor aside, your metaphors are unoriginal and superfluous adjectives crowd your lines. It reads like someone trying to be "literary."

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So my above post is kind of harsh. I think a better suggestion is, while I believe absolutely everything contains a streak of humor some people can see and some people cannot, and which some people choose to acknowledge and some do not, I don't believe that in this instance a detailed description of the rape is the way to acess the humor in your idea.

Make the story bigger. What psychological angle should you take? Do you take a psychoanalytical approach and epxlain what event in the rapist's youth now compels him to rape lunch ladies? That's a complete cliche, but cliches can be funny if treated properly.

Explore the story around the story.

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