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Tue 29 Jul, 2003 05:16 pm
A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing
hyena with heart burn?
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.
I love to go to Washington, if only to be nearer my money.
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a
technicality.
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you
work at it, it's golf.
Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she
turned it into a series.
When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage -
he shot both his parents and moved in.
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went
steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance -waiting for
the bathroom.&nb! sp;
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you
don't need it.
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If
you work at it, it's golf.
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's
time
for my nap.
You don't know what to worry about these days ... whether the country
will be overthrown or overdrawn.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most
useless citizens.
I do benefits for all religions -- I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a
technicality.
I don't bother to look for parking space anymore. As soon as I get near
Hollywood Boulevard ... I sell.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the
Statue of Liberty.
I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight
instead.
I returned to Cleveland for a really big homecoming! . I remember it
well.
How they welcomed me...flags waving, bands playing, big parades and
everything. Yes sir! Lucky for me I arrived on Flag Day.
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from
what direction.
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his
name off the piano.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you
don't need it.
If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of
heart trouble.
Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still
working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door
opens.
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's
really pis! sed off.
Virus is a Latin word used by doctors to mean 'your guess is as good as
mine.'
Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad
and the Gong Show.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
I bumped into Gerald Ford the other day and said "pardon me" He replied "I don't do that any more"
Why would I want to be president? I'd have to move into a smaller house.
ON TURNING 70: "You still chase women, but only downhill."
ON TURNING 80: "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90: "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100: "I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY BOXING CAREER: "I ruined my hands in the ring....the referee kept stepping on them."
ON SAILORS: "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR: "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'"
ON GOLF: "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS: "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE LEFT ENGLAND: "When I found out I couldn't be king, I decided to try my luck elsewhere."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER: "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham.'"
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL: "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY: "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS: "That's how I learned to dance...waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES: "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN: "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
One I heard right after he died.
His wife asked where he wanted to be buried. He replied "Surprise me."
:wink:
Thx, c.i.
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