Going Nuts Part 2

I guess I have lost all interest or sympathy of the people here after posting Going Nuts part 1.
But I am not disappointed or angry. The thing is I am somehow losing interest in everything so it really doesn't matter if you don't say anything. But on the other hand it does not mean I won't be glad if you do replay.

I wish you knew the whole story. My life has been incredibly complex and full of amazing moments and happiness and satisfaction and also, naturally, a lot of struggle and ambitions and frustration.

I hope you don't mind if I write a bit about myself - my story. Cuz I see
when I post something specific about something at school, it is a tiny, miniature part of my life, my work and my values. And not the whole picture.
So that is not something I would criticize about people replying to me. What can you do, of course, you have to try to imagine what the point is. There is no way how you could see the whole picture.

For example my age. I mentioned that I am 40 in one of my posts. Most of you will imagine a guy with partly gray hair, maybe partly bold, a pot belly, a few children on his back, mortgage and a mid-aged wife in the middle of a marriage that is falling apart. That is exactly what I am not.

For some reason, I was born to a family where almost everybody looks about 10 years younger. My dad is 73 but looks about 60, the same for my mum. When I show my 24 year old girlfriend - yes, I have a regular gf - my photos when I was 25, she looks disgusted - I would never ever date a child like that, she says... Not only look I much younger, but what is kind of special and a handicap, I also act much younger. I must confess when I go to a bar and have a drink, I don't feel any different or in any different position from when I was 25. I see the same potential to pick up a girl or a woman and the probability of success is about the same. I look 28 or so - so when I was 25 in fact, they probably thought I was 18. I am just not so extremely naive and simple like I used to be. But that naivity and simplicity really helps in fact when you want to pick up somebody. I will tell you a fact, sue me, I used to have loads of girls and women. Loads.
But I am not interested in that, either. I am happy my relationship with my gf works.


What is strange these days is that I feel so tired and without energy or enthusiasm I had until recently. It is as if I was going through some kind o f transtition from a child to an adult. Yes, I am 40. But this is how I feel.

Do you remember I mentioned enjoying having young, sexy teenagers in my class? I don't feel it anymore. I feel tired and they began to look totally normal, ordinary. Teenage girls are my everyday reality. I know some of you criticized me for noticing physical beauty of girls that I am teaching, but now I wish I felt that. It is gone. Do you think I have grown up? I dont' know.

One thing I changed a lot is my attitude toward my students. I was so naive at the beginning. I believed I could get along with all of them just because I believed my and their intelligence and good intentions will secure good relations. Wake up to the real life. No, it doesn't work. I am not perfect and never will be. They are not, eigher. Some of them already show sings of bad character. They are going to steal from banks they are going to work at. They are going to cheat, they are going to be corrupt politicians, cynical office workers, bad journalists, all kind of people who you would not admire. Of course, not all of them, but you can already feel it in some of their attitudes. It is just a fact and I can hardly change anything about that. So I guess I will have to find a new attitude toward them.
More realistic attitude.

Maybe some of you will say - don't worry about their characters, just do your job teaching. I don't know if that is the American way. I had a friend , an AMerican English teacher. ANd he told me he sometimes feels as if the Czech students treat him like a piece of furniture. They think he is a machine, or a robot, not human. That made a huge impact on me. I was like that too, teachers for us were some kind of info suppliers, no more that that.
So now I think it is natural for a teacher like me or you to feel some human
relations with students, feel their negative or positive emotions.

The school term is ending and most of us teachers here are really tired or even exhausted. I am really sad. I get all kind of support from my colleagues and the management. They want me to teach more and keep praising my work. But the work, the actual work, being in the classroom with the students is a different story. It is tough and after the initial excitement, I have to find out what kind of teacher and person at school I am or want to be.

Even if you don't reply, no worries. I am happy I can share something of my life. It is a true story. I am a 40 year old guy moving from his childhood dreams and excitement into the world of adults. Scary, the first impression is really scary.

Some of you may be appalled - how come such an immature person is allowed to teach teenagers? It is another tiny bit of reality, not the whole story. I am not totally immature. There are things I do that are probably very mature, maybe rare among people. Maybe I have some qualities that help others. We don't know. There must be some reason why I get so much praise from people. But this praise doesn't seem to push me forward anymore. Children need it, I don't care about it anymore.