my pain

phone/wall/ground were interesting uses of repetition.

I'd get rid of some of the "teen poetry" elements though. A more careful use of the vulgarity would make it more powerful.

sorry bout the bad words....
i was just really really angry when i wrote this one....
what do you mean by "teen poetry" though??

I don't mind bad words. Anger is a srong emotion. Strong emotions can be powerful in poetry.

By teen poetry I mean a missuse or overuse of those words. It's a staple among teen poets.

Understated anger might have a more powerful effect. I think you need some of the bad words in there, but not all of them. Otherwise they steal the show.

As for the alliterative and repetitive effects, that part is very good. Both elements have a long history in English, and are the more effective for it. All those literate in English recognize, even if only subconsciously, the power of repetition and alliteration. Hence, the trite locution: "It is fitting and proper . . . "

A very good effort, i hope that you will keep it up.

I ahve to agree. The "chorus" is a nice use of poetic repetition.

About the bad words: I'd use the "**** you"s but leave out the others so as to give said repetition a sorta climatic effect.

Faith,

Don't apologize about the use of 'bad words' and don't automatically swallow someone else's prescriptive comments about how to 'fix' what THEY feel is excessive use of coarse speech.


I felt your poem was a good effort. I thought that it captured the turmoil of an intense, ambivalent relationship.

I see in your writing a willingness to "stick your neck out".
I like that very much.

By all means CONSIDER input that is offered by the likes of Craven and I. Don't close your mind to learning from others, that would only stunt your growth. Nevertheless, after considering others views, you still have to make up YOUR OWN mind.

Also, Don't be intimidated by others opinions. Even though they may be offered with an air of assurance, they can be dead wrong.

I felt that the use of the term 'Teen poetry' was unfortunate, unhelpful and seemed (whether intended to be or not) dismissive.

Keep writing....and keep sticking your neck out.

i should try and explain....
i apologised for the use of language because i know that some people get offended by it...
but when such intense emotions are running through me, i don't really think about the language i use... i just write whats in my head... i'm not going to try and re-write this, i don't generally re-write any of my poems... but i will take it into consideration for future poems...
i believe in writing in the moment...
taking that raw emotion and throwing it onto the page...
and thats how it stays...
this may sound like i'm not very open-minded
and some may say that i'm not willing to learn from critisism and grow as a writer, but rest assured that i do take everything you all say into consideration.... so thank you for taking the time to make these suggestions.. i really do appreciate it...

and thanks jjorge... kind words from kind people are what get me through the day...

Faith,

Nice to hear from you.

I'll tell you how I have been going about the business of writing a poem.

It usually starts with a phrase or line that just leaps into my mind.

I'll sit down and write that and see where else it takes me. I don't worry about rhyme or rhythym or meter just yet... I just want to drain all I can from that initial surge or flash of an idea.

At the end of that process --anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours-- I may have a poem or I may have only part of a poem.

If I've got a poem, I still consider it a 'draft' because I want to then 'refine' it and/or 'polish' some of the lines.

I'll often set it aside for a while (maybe minutes, maybe hours, maybe days or longer) then come back at it. Even though I've left it aside, it is still 'percolating' somewhere in my mind. I find that when I come back to it, (even though I always PRESERVE the first draft) I have new ideas that I want to incorporate.

Sometimes it's another stanza, or perhaps a better word or line to substitute here or there for one that is hackneyed or awkward.

I may re-read the poem thirty times or more and often make little adjustments such as changing the location of a line or a stanza or occasionally eliminating a line that doesn't work, or changing the punctuation to better convey how I want it to 'flow'.

I will also read the poem aloud to myself repeatedly during this process.
Sometimes that inspires a change too.

I have also started to carry pen and paper with me at all times, as I've discovered that the little surges or 'flashes' that pop into my mind, (which are the 'ore' that I mine) are no respector of time or place. In fact I've found that when I'm out on long fitness walks, far from my home and desk, is a time that many exciting ideas, words, lines, phrases pop into my head.

I have right now in my notebook the 'embryos' of several as yet unborn poems that came to me when i was walking or even driving down the highway. In fact once in a while I may be on the highway and have to find a place to pull over so I can write down a line or idea while it's still sizzling in my brain.

Anyway Faith, we all have our own way of doing things (though hopefully we can learn from one another).

Well, I guess I should end this little impromptu, unasked-for ramble.

My best wishes to you.


Carpe Diem.

and keep writing. -jjorge

Sieze the fish?

Not quite Cav!

Actually I went to a catholic high school.

Carpe Diem is the latin name of my alma mater, Carp of God.



Hmmmm,
On reflection though, I can see why a fish fancier such as thee would think as you did.
















not

LOL! I saw 'Dead Poet's Society', I know what carpe diem means...heh heh....Carp of God is a good one, especially for a Catholic school, seeing as Jesus was represented as a fish at some point.

Cav

I have Carpe Diem on a baseball cap that I wear all the time.

When people ask me what it means I usually tell them the 'Carp of God' lie.

I should add, as posted, the poem would make a wicked song, especially if it was loud, brash and angry. The rythym is good, there is a chorus, and it is quite intense. No joke, my real feelings.