THE BRITISH THREAD II

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2 . Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3 . A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."


6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.


9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"


14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20 . Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

haha, funny.

Well, about the skull.
Andy Warhol said 'Art is whatever you can get away with.' To which I agree, because Hirst has gotten away with the skull, it is in a gallery, and he is making a lot of money.
Hirst knows this, he knows how to make controversy, and he knows how to make money. He knows his name on something will maginify it's price 100 times. I don't think it's a con though.
I think it's another part of his art. New work always creates controversy, I think that a lot of Hirsts work is a play on this. The skull is an example.
It is a big pun. He's got his money and is laughing, while the average factory Joe is reading the paper when he gets in and steaming about it, exclaiming that it's not art. Thats why Hirst called it 'For the Love of God.'
I think he just wants to see how far he can take things.

If you love the skull then the work is a great work.
If you hate the skull, then thats great too, because massive works like this always spark a load of oppositions to it, and so we will probably find a lot of works of the opposite kind making a come-back.

I like the skull, but understand why people hate it. I'm not so into art that I'm just gonna follow blindly whatever **** any artist puts out just to be arty and different.
To automatically accept the skull would be just as stupid as to automatically dismiss it.



Spendy, can I ask you, do you think that we should do whatever we want inside the law because you like to uphold the law, and believe that anything that isn't legal is wrong? Or just because if we break the law we get thrown in prison?

I is here Muckty...

You were a little presumptuous with that Liverpool jibe wern't you?

I'm at Chorlton office on Friday, if you fancy lunching.

PQ, I like the skull thing! Are you still looking for work? If so PM me.

x

Old smorgsi's all demure since returning to the slaughter-house! Could this be a pretentious side to her nature Mathos asks himself, and will she pounce like a leopard in the darkest jungle?

Come on smorgsi, it can't be so bad being 69 or whatever 60 something you were during my absence, can it?

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear smorgsi

Happy Birthday to you!

Belated I know, but it's the thought that counts!

Eff off! Maythos.

x

Now,now smorgsie-

It used to be a common practice in 19th century France amongst the movers and shakers to hire a coach, when they wanted a break from canoodling and whatnot, which one does, and take a trip out to the asylum where the Director, for a touch of the palm grease, would allow them to view some of the more outrageous characteristics of his inmates. Some suspect he may have coached them.

One should try to view Mathos in this light and we get a good laugh for free.

Mr Hirst may well have a similar idea in mind although I think he is taking the piss out of the population by showing them how economically ineffective is a 8-hr shift down a coal-mine, compared to what he does, and especially when that population is so stupid as to elect Governments which have female cabinet ministers, who can't leave well alone, and, more specifically female "arts" ministers under who's ministrations Mr Hirst is enabled to make the coal-miner look like underwater forest gump.

PQ- Andy said that money-making is the only art. And the snotty little terror from Pittsburg left $600m in his will. (And rising).

Now, (space after comma) now suspendy...

Don't you bloody start!

He knows I don't mean it. I happen to hold Maythos in high regard. I was just trying not to be so Benny Hill (complete with slapping baldy man on head and running around with my tits bouncing).

But...

Well, they'll stone ya when you're trying to be so good,

You know what I mean?

x

Spendi, shut your gob, or I'll rip your head off and let the cat **** down the hole!


Night smorgsi! xx

please mind your language mathos smorgshious and the cat may be offended

well the cat for sure

whose cat is it anyway?

Night Mathos

Night everyone

x

PS Did anyone notice todays date was 5/6/7, or was it just me, 'cos I wrote it on 'signing on' coupons 10 MILLION times today?

I think I can do lunch Friday. Our guests are going to the Pool, but I don't intend to accompany them- they are quite resourceful.

What jibe? I jibed not. I was saying the scallies were a problem, and a millstone/ blight on the city; NOT that all Liverpudlians were scallies. For example, I personally know some who are not.

You're missing a comma there, Stevie.

x

Sorry, I meant to say you were 'premature', have you not heard the retraction?

x

where?

Retractions are fine, that's diplomacy in action, but the plain fact is that British football fans have to be policed very tightly because they cannot be relied on to behave in a civilised fashion. The first time I experienced this, in Leeds watching ManU, I was astonished to find I was herded and told when to move, when to wait, and not given any right of independent movement in order that the police could ensure 100% segregation of the fans. I was quite relieved at one point because the Leeds fans wanted to have a go. We were herded along the road in groups of about 100. The police ensured the Manchester contingent got to the railway station without any blood being spilt.

The British police/authorities have learnt these technique by bitter experience. Continental cities are still learning.

Unless the fans can be controlled, bad behaviour will happen, whether it's Leeds, Millwall, Liverpool or anybody.
If 40,000 Liverpool fans travel with 10,000 official tickets, the policing problem is obvious and acute because many of them, especially when drink has been taken, will try anything to get into the ground.

If you go all the way to Athens without a ticket it becomes a matter of personal pride to have got oneself into the ground. Getting in with an official ticket is a bit bourgeoise don't you think Mac? That's all corrupt according to what I've read. It's who you know bullshit.

And I thought you were a socialist. Bloody hell.

All the denigration of Liverpool fans is a smokescreen to divert the debate into channels more suited to those they are more suited to. It relies on "Outraged of Ashton-under-Lyme" to have running legs.

Still- nearly everybody approves of your concern, I know, so you should be very popular.

I hardly think they tried "anything". That's a bit of an exaggeration.

Fact is, in an all-seater stadium (which they are now) if you get in without a ticket, and the game is a sell-out, you don't need a degree from Michael Moores University to know you are depriving somebody else who has more claim on that place.
The media stoke up resentment with jingoistic talk of "not enough tickets allocated by UEFA for the loyal fans who turn up to support their team every week" until said scallies think they have a moral right, obligation even, to barge in.

You mean people who avoid criminality and who avoid shitting on their fellow man? That's the kind of socialist I am, at any rate.
Unlike (some of) our representatives in Athens.

After viewing a few scenes in Rwanda, and the Pakistan earthquake region and some standard Chinese planning and workplace practices I think you have your socialistic priorities somewhat out of proportion Mac.

Just exactly what does all this criminality and shitting on your fellow man at an itsy-bitsy football match actually add up to?

The Pope has made a statement about foreign aid not a broken window. Where's your evidence anyway? Read it in the paper did you?

Flying to New York is shitting on your fellow man in my book and I don't give a damn how respectable it is in yours.

Let's start with the simple crimes, then we can work up to your understanding of the bigger ones.

Theft. Remember "Thou shalt not steal?" It's been on the statute books a long time.