THE BRITISH THREAD II

Such arguments only have an effect on me when delivered by a lady. And not any old lady either.

agreed. Stomach turning. Tonight ITV revealed Harry had to use lavatory paper with sand in it. The fact that we are actually loosing in Afghanistan seems inconsequential.

oops, factual correction. ITV didnt say that. I made it up. just like they do

Steve wrote-



That must mean there are no curtains in the officer's mess. And no geese knocking around. (Only well read people will understand that.)

Okay I'll buy. I'll admit too not knowing what geese had to do with basic hygiene.

Well Mac, if you had taken the trouble to read Rabelais, a writer whose words will live long after the journalism you exercise your mind upon has blown against the wire-netting fence surrounding the landfill site, you would be in on the joke.

And it's a lovely one too. Serious science. Charmin are reaching for it using technology but I don't think they'll ever match a goose's neck. They can do the curtains and the maid's frock not bad. Getting past Yellow Pages sawn into four approximately equal sections was easy. Dockleaves being primitive.

I wonder how Charmin Toilet Paper do their Quality Control. It can't be Mr Whipple surely? He looks to have no delicacy being a liberal and all that.

Producing a goose's neck experience is not much good if your finger goes straight through it. What you need is a smallholding in Wales. Keeping geese.

Mac wrote, responding to-





That suggests a familiarity with curtains Mac.

Ie les fourniray de licolz.

I always said " GET me a rope", so II guess its not really plagiarism, I merely was influenced by RAbelais ,the originator of the stand-up dirty joke.

Now farmerman's doing it. Speaking in tongues. And I thought that he was a scientist too. And a seafarer. Worse things happen at sea, they say. Bucket and chuck it. Seaman Staines.

I'm not too proud to admit all this is passing me by. Who was this Chairman Toilet Paper?

It's for people with big arses that need a lot of paperwork.

I use bog standard.

x

Not-



I hope.

Zeeze eez zee bayseek Eeeenglishe harteesteek hintellhectual at zee bottiebottsishes unt plopsiedooklies.

It is widely held in some circles as a scientific fact that when Anna Botting is fronting up Sky News the viewing figures increase. Bottie fronting it's known as.

Some hold that it is due to elderly male office workers who have the sound turned off.

But the most common view, and it is common, is that ladies of a certain age find it amusing, presumably in a juxtaposition of imagery and the witty "one in the eye for men" it seems to represent for them.

The format has room in it for a display of feminine charm. I think that's the right word. I was brought up for it to be, Doris Day and all that. I only found out about Barbara Stanwyk when it was too late.

When Anna introduces the sport's specialist she often teases him for a while, before he gets the screen to himself and gets down to serious business, about all these heaving, sweating idiots going through this fantastic rigmarole of pain and suffering just to get at a sweet little Botty like wot I am. I've seen his toes trying to curl in his toecaps. Perhaps she gives him a Kenny Everett when we can't see. They do all work in the same offices and we all know what that leads to given our scientific study of evolution theory and wine bars.

Ms Burley, another of the genus, gave us all a good long look on the ice-skating fiasco. She's good too.

If only there wasn't so much shite on the news it would be good fun. Like Tomorrow's World used to be when men ran the show. It's all tease now.

Look how long they take to open the envelope at the awards dross and the breathless pause before they divulge the name of the winner to the thrumming audience. That's their call sign. The nail-biting finish. And then the Hovis ad comes on and a few more and when that gobblydegook has finished they go over again how they got up to where they are for people who have only just joined the show and eventually a decision is made unless the bell goes and we have to wait until next week.

They handicap horses to get tight finishes.

I regret referring to lavatory paper. I knew it would get some people going.

You are a cold, heartless bastard, Steve, and I rue the days my eyes fell upon you.

Do women with long, curvy nails need reinforced paper?

Or some help??

Well- you have to take the rough with the smooth.

you're welcome Gus.

Give Gus his eyeballs back, stevie.

Mornin' Codgers!

I have a stinking cold (again).

I intend to spread the love today, what else can I do? I have had my allocated 8 days sick.

x

Morning smorgs, move over here, a lovely 38 degrees today, would do wonders for your cold.