THE BRITISH THREAD II

I can't give you advice, smorgs, but re KitKat ...

Some generations back, in 1963, I was not only for the first time in England but attended a summer school there as well (in what is nowadays Poole High School).

Well, since we paid for full board, we got a snack in the morning tea break as well: usually KitKat.
And from time onwards I was addicted for some decades to it - and would have started a revolution if I'd got one without waffers!!!

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I would return the offending items to where they were made with a nice letter explaining how much I loved their product and had been a constant consumer of it for "X" years at the rate of three bars per day and that never before had I ever had the slightest cause to call into question the excellence of it. That there was a box of 18 Family Value Packs in the fridge at the very moment and that my baggin-box was a sorry thing indeed without two Two Fingers in it.

I would say that I was only writing to them in order to let them know that some minor fault in their production line had occured.

I would of course include the wrappers so they could investigate the bar codes explaining that when I went to get the writing paper and pen to provide them with this consumer feedback I had left the offending item on the drawing room table and two kids had scoffed it.

Basildon Bond notepaper is preferable. We are trying to give the impression that we are a lady of substance and quality.

That might produce a large box of free goodies for an investment of a few pence and a little time.

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I feel you understand my angst, Walter. x

I think it's great that Harry's doing what he wants. Thought the interview with him was endearing "closest to normal as I'll get".

Here's a poem for spends:

The Price of Art in Luton

On the bridge approaching the railway,
the man was begging.
I said draw me a dog
and I'll give you a quid.
So I gave him some paper
and he did.
And I said, there you go, mate,
you can make money out of art!
Will you sign it?
As I handed him the one pound thirty-odd
I had in my pocket,
he informed me that the signed ones were a fiver.

John Hegley.

x

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spendius wrote:

I would return the offending items to where they were made with a nice letter explaining how much I loved their product and had been a constant consumer of it for "X" years at the rate of three bars per day and that never before had I ever had the slightest cause to call into question the excellence of it. That there was a box of 18 Family Value Packs in the fridge at the very moment and that my baggin-box was a sorry thing indeed without two Two Fingers in it.

I would say that I was only writing to them in order to let them know that some minor fault in their production line had occured.

I would of course include the wrappers so they could investigate the bar codes explaining that when I went to get the writing paper and pen to provide them with this consumer feedback I had left the offending item on the drawing room table and two kids had scoffed it.

Basildon Bond notepaper is preferable. We are trying to give the impression that we are a lady of substance and quality.

That might produce a large box of free goodies for an investment of a few pence and a little time.

I'm going to...

I shall write my complaint letter, by hand, in lavender quink.

I'm sending the choccy back too, bearing my investigative teeth marks, where the finger failed to 'snap' due to lack of wafer therein.

It's a bloody disgrace! And you can't run a finger nail down the foil anymore, due to modern packaging! That was always most satisfying, almost as satisfying as breaking the paper seal on a new jar of coffee. It's the little things in life that matter.

x

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Nice.

The tone of the letter to Nestle is friendly and expressive of gentility, fragrance and femininity with understated compliments larded in where appropriate.

They have a battery of QCs to deal with revolutionaries.

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Or I might sellotape the offending fingers to the letter - Winston Churchill stylee...

And simply write 'WHAT THE EFF HAPPENED TO MY KITKAT?'

x

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smorgsie wrote-

Quote:

I'm sending the choccy back too, bearing my investigative teeth marks

I'm inclined to think that inadvisable. One knows how delicate people are today concerning even trace amounts of what one might call the vital bodily fluids. It would make them nervous. You would be getting off on the wrong foot. Some junior executives might view it as a temptation in view of the lavender Quink and co-operative tone. One might even call personally with a sack truck.

Let's face it- you could have easily chopped the bar up into bite-sized chunks with a bread knife. Yorkies are solid chocolate so it isn't as if such things are an abomination.

Quote:

And you can't run a finger nail down the foil anymore, due to modern packaging!

I have just checked on that and I don't find any difficulty in running my finger down the foil. Have you got fat fingers with all the nails bitten off?

And the "snap" which my refrigerated one's produce is just as satisfying as it ever was.

With the wrong approach the most you can get is a straight replacement and your tooth marked one returned with a snidey joke at your expense.

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Now listen 'ere customerservicespendipus...

The snap I was referring to, was the snap one obtains when breaking a finger in half, to shove in one's gob. The 'snap' only being there if there is wafer present. A finger of solid chocolate fails to snap appropriately.

It's all down to physics and mathematics - you know THAT!

The chocolate coating provides a flavoursome casing in which to transport the wafer to your gob without the said wafer crumbling from the breakage and handling in transportation. The amalgam of chococcy and wafer provides the essential 'mouth feel' required to enjoy a wafer biscuit.

The other essential ingredient in this baccanalian menage a troit is a brew. This breaks down the compounds within the gob, allowing the cocoa solids to release the special compounds contained there in, increasing serotonin, which triggers the pleasure response.

And you are wrong about the foil...

Previously, KitKats were packaged in a glorious silver-foil blanket, bounded with a paper sheath bearing the instantly recognised logo (weren't they Walter?). First you broke open the paper sheath - the more anally-retentive would slide it off. Then you traced a nail down the centre of the foil, which easily gave way, regardless of the length of the nail. Thus releasing the fingers.

As for MY nails...

They are long and well-manicured. They are natural at the moment, as I have just put some almond oil on the cuticles, after scrubbing the kitchen. Later, I will paint them vermillion.

As for the traces of bodily fluids, teeth marks and DNA on the returned fingers...

Well, it will provide Nestle with proof-positive of their faulty manufacturing process and crimes against nature. Any fool could just write to Nestle and say there was no wafer in me KitKat! I feel it's in order, to provide corroborative evidence, thereby increasing my chances of more substantial compensation.

Of course, I will make no mention of powdered baby milk and the third world.

x

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Just got this by email:

An earthquake measuring 5.3 on the richter scale hit Salford this morning. The epicentre was Ordsall. Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly ,one man spotted wandering who claimed his name was Eric was found saying "bang out of order" "mental" and "sorted".

The earthquake decimated the area causing in excess of £17.55 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Ibiza and Corfu were damaged beyond repair. Three preserved areas of historic importance where burned out cars were destroyed, were wrecked.

Many locals were woken before their giro's arrived. One resident, Kylie Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of four said, "It was such a *******kin shock, little Chardonnay-Destiny came running into my bedroom crying, my hands were shaking that much I could hardly skin-up".

The British Red Cross has so far managed to send 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found numerous 'Elizabeth Duke' sovereign rings, benefit books and Poundstretcher ornaments.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster.

Clothing is most sought after. Urgently needed are LaCoste tracksuits, white socks, Burberry caps, Beanie hats and Reebok trainers.

Food parcels are also needed. They include McCain oven chips, Aldi beans, Monster Munch and Iceland pizza. Alcohol is also in short supply, especially White Lightening Cider and Special Brew.

Cash donations are also needed.22p buys a 'signing on' biro, £2.50 buys a Jumbo Sausage Dinner, £20.00 buys a fake MOT and £16.00 buys 200 Regal from the back of Tommo's lorry. Your help is appreciated.

x

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In the fullness of time we will be the noveau-ancients and our literary efforts will be studied by armies of scholars, work having been rendered obselete, and when these posts here pass before the glazed eyes of readers of preserved newspapers, magazines, blue, green and white papers, railway timetables, data banks and instructions on how to get the most out of electrical appliances and suchlike some bright spark will feel a tingle in his bones and develop the notion, through hours and hours of deep meditation, that a daughter of the Goddess had once visited our world only to be sacrificed on the altar of Mammon with all due ceremonial and approved ritual and hence found a new religion based on the resurrection of the Courts of Love of the late Dark Ages with which Camelot is supposed to have been associated.

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amusing discourse re chocolate wafer biscuits. Thanks guys. Spendy stop showing off. Anyone (not me obviously) can write long sentences.

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2.5 minutes left for play. City shoot...just wide. Wigan are....are yawn.

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Not and make them flow through the mind quite as silkily as that one does and be pregnant with meaning to anywhere near the same extent.

And that was first time up. I could have worked on it longer and made it even silkier if I didn't have all these other things to do.

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Well very well done. You are a wordsmith of the English language. Have a kit kat.

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"Never mind all that!"?

The sauce!

Rolling Eyes

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It's the first rule of gentlemanly conduct Mac, right from the first "do you come here often" up to the more sophisticated versions which come with experience and learning that one encourages a lady to talk about herself. I know it can be very wearying, Lord do I? but it is the price to be paid I'm afraid.

One can always tell a man with little experience and negligible learning when one hears him talking about himself in the presence of a lady.

If you are interested in her at all, which can be taken for granted if she is a lady, she has you in a tighter spot than Freud had his patients. She will be assessing your potential.

It's safer to tell them nothing and listen to them talk and then take them home, give them one and go to sleep.

You're already outed as a paragon of domestic bliss so you shouldn't be engaging ladies in discourse anyway.

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McTag wrote:

"Never mind all that!"?

The sauce!

HP or ketchup Mac?

Glad the fencing got sorted and Mrs. Mac had her tea!

Good Evening All Smile

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Spendycartland wrote:

Quote:

It's safer to tell them nothing and listen to them talk and then take them home, give them one and go to sleep.

You old romantic, you.

x

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Oh no. That comes in the morning when you stagger off to the khazi in your Y-fronts and stink the whole house out.

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spendius wrote:

In the fullness of time we will be the noveau-ancients and our literary efforts will be studied by armies of scholars, work having been rendered obselete, and when these posts here pass before the glazed eyes of readers of preserved newspapers, magazines, blue, green and white papers, railway timetables, data banks and instructions on how to get the most out of electrical appliances and suchlike some bright spark will feel a tingle in his bones and develop the notion, through hours and hours of deep meditation, that a daughter of the Goddess had once visited our world only to be sacrificed on the altar of Mammon with all due ceremonial and approved ritual and hence found a new religion based on the resurrection of the Courts of Love of the late Dark Ages with which Camelot is supposed to have been associated.

What's all that about?

Could you Chat/Bella/Best/Hello it up for me?

I would have put loads more commas in that, and a few of these: ... I like those.

Muckty, when I wrote 'enough about that' I didn't mean it enough about your fencing/wind/propping news...

That was all very Mcinteresting, and thanks for sharing (tee hee).

I meant enough about world thingies, and let's talk chocolate!

Does anyone want to know about my bizarre pressy?

It's a sensory bin for the kitchen...

It's supposed to sense when you are approaching, and then open it's lid, then close it after a certain amount of time!!!

Trouble is, it senses me walking past the kitchen, then makes me jump when it opens, like there is poltergeist activity!

I've other issues with it, in fact it's rubbish.

x

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