THE BRITISH THREAD II

Mathos wrote-



When there's big money at stake it's the same in all sports.

Put your patriotism through a scientific test. Have a points supremacy bet on S Africa at £5 a point. See what emotional responses you bring to the game.

As of now the betting is 7 to 9 for S Africa. Which means that if you "buy" S Africa at 9 you are losing 9 x £5 at kick off. As soon as S Africa are 9 in front you are level. Every point England score loses you £5 and every point S Africa score wins you £5. If you fancy England you "sell" S Africa at 7 but then you wouldn't be testing how thin, or thick, your patriotism is. The 2 points difference is the "spread" from which the bookie makes his profit. (There are no lady bookmakers as far as I know.)

As far as cooking for the prey is concerned I recommend-

Starter- Baxter's Luxury Beef Consomme at 69pee a tin. Served on proper soup plates with proper soup spoons. Add a dash of chilli powder for disguise.

Main Course- Boil in a bag "Look What We've Found "Gloucester Traditional Meat Balls in thick onion gravy ( £3.99) with Oven Chips and uncooked veg chopped fine which is really posh. Serve on plates decorated with scenes from the ouvre of the Marquis de Sade.

Pudding- Heinz Spotted Dick with rich creamy custard followed by an Auntie Bessie's pancake and genuine Canadian maple syrup.

Wine- Bollinger Grande Annee Rose 1995. (2 bottles).

During introductory phase go into kitchen a rattle some pots and pans about from time to time. And play Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto No 2 op.18 or the Barry Manilow album that features Because I'm Wet and Lonely if you think she might find "in-off" jokes tasteless. And whatever you do dont quip "Fall out the officers" if she trumps.

You can't go wrong.

If I played Racmaninoff to this one, she'd probably not try anything on with me, as she'd think I'm gay, or even worse, posh.

Barry Manilow may work though, although I reckon that the greatest hits of Bucks Fizz may be the way to go.

What's he making there, spendius? Rat-atouille?

Half time in Russia, England leading by 1-0, scored by Roooney, Roooney.

Must have a pee.

2:1 - 12 mins to go ...

Evenin' peeps!

Had a hard day today...

Got collared by a customer whilst going into bank at lunch:

Customer: I've got an interview wiv yoose next week.

Smorgs: How fantastic for you.

Customer: I can't come!

Smorgs: Why?

customer: I'm in court.

Smorgs: What for?

customer: Robbin'

Smorgs: Yoose better go in the Jobcentre then, and re-arrange it.

customer: Can't you do it for me?

Smorgs: No, I bloody can't, it's only there (pointing to two doors away).

customer: Have you got a quid?

Smorgs: I've only got 50p!

customer: That'll do!

Top ten excuses for not attending Jobseeker interviews, as compiled by me, Eunuch and Linda:

1. Me gran died

2. Me Granddad died (1 & 2 are interchageable)

3. Got kicked out.

4. Me baybeh was ill

5. Didn't have the bus fare

6. Car broke down (irrespective of whether they are recorded as having no licence or are banned)

7. Me girlfriend took an overdose

8. I forgot (surprisingly not used that much - especially if they are on a ES19 (warning)

9. Me Mum didn't wake me

10. I got agoraphobic (it really was used - we laughed for ages)

And how was your day?

Doowop, don't worry about that night, if she's any kind of a real woman, she would have been impressed by the effort, that's what counts.

spendthrift, I'm loving your pussy.

x

spenserian wrote:



You're giving away your copping secrets!

What if I meet someone at speed-dating and they invite me round for dinner, and it's soup and meatballs?

And what's with the onion gravy? You not expecting a snog then?

x

Snigger...

You is fool, spends (said in a Mr T stylee)

x

Dontcha (wish your girlfriend) mean:

RoooNAY, RoooNAY?

x

I love it when you're all away watching some testoterone fuelled sporting thingy...

I get to bore myself on the thread.

x

England were crap and they didnt even acknowledge the travelling English supporters at the end of the game.

Take it we didn't win?

I was busy swooning over my new compost bin (and handy mini-bin for the kitchen, in light blue, which matches my tiles, how thoughtful)

It arrived today, but just noticed it when I bought the washing in. It came with 'A Guide to Composting', stickers, and a fridge magnet! All for a tenner (delivered) from here:

www.recyclenow.com/compost

let's get composting!

x

Tonight, I made kedgeree, but not with the normal ingredients.

Dead good.

Georgia on my mind ...

I can't stand kedgeree!

There's something about the combination of rice and fish and the smell of it... no, me no likee.

Have I ever told you about my phobia of kidney beans?

They be evil things.

So, when I come round for tea, muckty...

No chilli con carne or kedgeree (please).

x

Germay are crap, but already qualified.

Kedgeree geree
Whatever will be will be
the futures not ours to see
Kedgeree geree

smorgsie-

Those plastic compost bins attract worms and they get all over the lid so to take it off and put it back on again you have to squash some or scrape them off. The compost process requires the worms because they eat what you won't or can't and pass it out of their bottom end as lovely fine loam fit for growing all sorts of wierd and wonderful plants.

You should make a proper composter from timber boards and layer it with soil as you go. You do go I presume.

"The sweet pretty things are in bed now of course."

Bob Dylan. Tombstone Blues.

spendythrower,

I do NOT 'go'!

I'm a woman, I don't have bowels - cheeky thing.

I can't make one, might break a nail, or get splinters.

But thanks for the composting advice.

x